M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Hope I linked the old threads correctly. Still learning this trick
From CaliGuy
"I have not been as active lately but came across this … just wanted to chime in a bit …possibly Add/Clear this a touch.
Lost I have not read up on your sitch .. but will. When I was hit with the … well lets just call it the “FU Pie” smack in the face .. I was stunned and dazed as we all are post BD. Was then I dove into reading all I could .. started really stripping away layers of yuck I had acquired, was more about me … and less about my W for a bit. As I have stated here often .. its that first step you need to take .. which is often the hardest, but the most important right>? I wanted to change, so .. book after book .. lesson after lesson .. it started out so simple, and small. I made my bed, every morning … just that small task rewarded me with a sense of accomplishment, made my room look tidy, in the smallest purest of ways, made me feel good about myself when it was a time I struggled to find 10 GOOD things about me.
The list … Azzork is close but there is one issue … the list is 3 separate lists:
1)Things you like about yourself … Call these KEEPERS
2)Things you do not care for … things for you to work on
3)Things you admire in other women (Or for you fellas .. in men)
And as he said .. start working on taking away from #2 and replace it with #3 .. for me .. I worked on my anger, replaced it with the patience I admired from my priest. (just 1 example). Azz used “2) a list of things H doesn’t like about you” … DO NOT change anything FOR your W/H … now these things may very well be complaints they have, if they are legit then sure toss em on the list … but lets say my W complained about my sense of humor, I happen to have that on list #1 and will be keeping that regardless, now she complained about my anger … sure .. that’s not something I wanted … again not about her .. totally things I wanted to change about ME, look at it as you were just given a new house, you get to decorate that pad anyway you like …. No sense hanging up HIS hunting trophies up … he is no longer living with you.
My point .. This list is all about you … and if you put in the work, take one step at a time you will end up on the other side happier for it .. regardless what your H does or does not do .. in short it’s a way to get your mojo back, in the healthiest of options."
Thank you, CaliGuy, Azzork.
Azz - in response to some of your suggestions ... know a good plactic surgeon?? That alone would improve my appearance!! jk
There is so little I like about myself and I have spent so many years listening to the negativity of both others and the little voice in my head, that I don't know any other way. I am always not enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not skilled enough, on and on and on - just not enough.
Or I'm "too" this or that.
Although I tend to be more shy and introverted than extroverted, I have no problem introducing myself to new people. Sometimes I think I have an easier time with new people because they haven't had a chance to get to know me and judge me and run... But I'm not so good at all the small talk. I don't know much about many things and I do tend to be an awkward person overall. Or maybe too square? Too serious?
idk. Sometimes feel like that kid in school who really wants to fit in with the cool, fun crowd but never will. I can't believe I'm even writing that.
I guess I just want to be liked. To be around people who like me and enjoy my company. How can it be that I still haven't found that yet in life?
While I don't HATE myself, I sure don't see much value in me. 10 GOOD things???? oh my gosh. HELP
Last edited by Lost08; 09/27/1504:06 PM.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Now is the time where you can mold yourself into the person you want to be. If you don't like who you've become, it's time to forge yourself into a new you. Step by step, let's do it.
There you go! 10 things that are good about you that I've learned from getting to know you here. Keep adding to that list.
TY, Judy! That was very kind
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
They talked about the importance of making your bed every day to start the day. It's like a ritual. I shared with the group that I have not made my bed since bomb drop - a year ago. That is like a metaphore of the chaos going on inside my head for the past year.
Today, I made my bed, and yes, it felt good and gave me a sense of accomplishment. Yes, it was small, but it has added to the pile of things that I can control and feel good about doing.
Anyone not doing any 12 step program, I highly encourage it. It's free and there ae meetings daily and you can attend as many as you want. It is not relevant to the "probleM' alcoho, drugs, sex addition, etc... it's about how YOU deal with it and how to control YOUR emotion around it. I learned to take the higher view - helicopter view. That allows me to step away "the problem" and view it from above, DETACHED. This is also known as giving the situation to God.
I think it was AJ who had me list 25 things... I think I got to 6, and then sat there staring at the page for a bit, I then started thinking about how I used to be, things I used to like and some of those things I still had a little bit left of to put down
Ok, the GALs we preach here, ones you need to have. Make an effort for one of this things to be something out of your comfort zone. for me it was a 180, along with a GAL all at once... I made a promise (this was my ICs idea) to not turn down invitations ... Not only accept them, but to sacrifice and attend... So awkward for me but I can't tell you how much growth started once I got out of my shell and comfort zone
Get out of your comfort zone... Take off the comfy cozy sweat pants and go try something new.... Even if it's a solo dinner at a new restaurant
GAL that's outside of your comfort zone is the best medicine IMO too Cali. It not only helps you grow but usually you spend the evening thinking about how scary the activity is and not about your spouse.
The other night my neighbor asked me to go with him to hear a speaker in the town I got married in. Every fiber of my being said to not go, but I went. I told myself I'll end up back in that town some day anyway so might as well bite the bullet.
The other option was to spend the evening by myself, like I do a lot, and most likely be miserable. So glad I went despite the stomach ache driving into town.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
