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Re: Divorced by 2016 [Re: Ginger1] #2748170
06/23/17 10:17 AM
06/23/17 10:17 AM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,709
Midwest
D
DonH Offline
Member
DonH  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,709
Midwest
Oh you're not an A hole. You just don't love me anymore so you're ghosting me. smile. (Again, I just had to. I have no self control over my sarcasm)


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Divorced by 2016 [Re: adinva] #2748178
06/23/17 11:30 AM
06/23/17 11:30 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,235
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Online
Member
bttrfly  Online
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,235
Massachusetts
^^ this. is exactly why in a very real way I almost can't be bothered with any of it. too exhausting.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Re: Divorced by 2016 [Re: bttrfly] #2748199
06/23/17 01:52 PM
06/23/17 01:52 PM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
A
adinva Offline OP
Member
adinva  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
I love it personally. It gives me the same feeling I had when I was a little kid and got a walkie talkie, what fun to be connected to someone from a distance and send messages back and forth! (Except with texting, that is, until they misinterpret, or you cross some etiquette rule you didn't know about, or sound desperate and too-available... oh well.)

I'm with Ginger - I decided if I feel like texting, within reason, I will while I'm thinking about it. If the recipient sees that as a character flaw they're undoubtedly not the right guy for me to be texting anyway, and best find that out sooner rather than later.

I'm sure if I find some more people to date that will cut the amount of texting anyone might get from me, maybe.

I think DonH is going to say I told you so, but I'm feeling ambivalent about starting from scratch with other guys, when I have one perfectly nice one whose character is known to me.

(Granted this feeling is on one side of the pendulum and it swings sometimes back to feeling panicky about getting caught up in a relationship right away.)

My guy friend, however, has encouraged me to go ahead and date around (after I told him I needed to not be exclusive) so that if I am with him afterward it will be because he's the best one for me, not just because he was the first guy to call after my divorce.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: Divorced by 2016 [Re: adinva] #2780593
03/05/18 02:55 AM
03/05/18 02:55 AM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
A
adinva Offline OP
Member
adinva  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
Hello DB - it's been a long time! I never mustered up the interest in online dating. Things were going too well with D and although he wanted me to date around if that's what I needed to, he wasn't thrilled with the idea and I just couldn't see why I'd want to even risk something great with him in order to search around for someone else. I felt like he was exactly what I'd have been searching for. Things moved along really quickly since we'd been close friends already and I knew him, his family, his whole background, and he's been really wonderful - I fell head over heels for him, the spark turned out to be there in a very big way, and we connect on a really deep level. Fast forward and we're in love and wanting to spend as much time together as we can. I'm kind of half living at his house, 3-4 nights a week, and his kids love me and share their days and homework and cooking and fun with me. D and I go out on nice dates but also spend a lot of time at his house with his kids. They visit mine too but at their ages (10, 14) it's a lot easier for me to be there than for them to be at my place. My kids (17, 20 and 20's gf 19) are self sufficient and help a lot with taking care of my dogs. They like new guy and his kids, but I don't see an easy way to uproot either family to combine our households. My kids wouldn't want to leave their friends and schools and live an hour away in another state. I don't want to move his kids away from their schools, friends, grandparents who they see all the time, and their summer daycamp that they love. So for now, although we would like to live together, this half and half seems best. It is hard though, and I sometimes feel stretched between a lot of competing geographically separated needs.

One of the things that has been difficult is that I really love kids, love playing with them, am attuned to their needs and bond really quickly. So D's kids have really taken to me. Their mom suffers from some emotional problems in addition to the alcoholism that originally lead to their breakup, and so the kids have a really hard time being with her. It's hard to describe other than that she is so focused on herself that she can't seem to give them anything - she gets mad if they don't go right to her, or if they do or say something she doesn't like, and she storms out. Due to her issues the kids can't go in a car with her or stay at her place, and her depression and anger when she is with them is just really hard for them to want to be around. So the difference between when they're with her and when they're with me is especially obvious. I sometimes feel like I'm their girlfriend too, and their dad sometimes has to compete for my attention. They especially the girl just crave attention. She's so sad when I leave, and when I come back she's right on my lap wanting to tell me everything. I feel lucky they like me so much, and I feel like I'm good for them (I made sure that I was really going to stick around with their dad before I let myself be close with them at all), that I give them something they really need. It's been a struggle because D really hoped they could get what they need from their mom and that maybe I should try to stay more in the background but the kids have grabbed onto me like a lifesaver. I feel like if they cannot get what they need from their mom, it seems wrong to stop them from getting what they need from me. However, I'd really like to get better insight from a therapist. He's been trying for a while to find a good one for his daughter, and I haven't found a good one for me since mine retired. I just keep trying to do the right thing. I never say anything bad about their mom; I try to normalize conversation that includes her. She is really mad that they're around me at all, and gives their dad a very hard time about it. Even though they divorced over 5 years ago he hadn't been dating and I think she had believed if she stopped drinking they'd get back together. So she's furious and hurt, in addition to her other problems. I really wish we could get along; I wish I could help her connect with her kids. It's unrealistic to think so, but they're so hungry for connection. Anyway, it's a rambly post now so I'll stop here but wanted to get these thoughts out.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: Divorced by 2016 [Re: adinva] #2780657
03/05/18 11:10 AM
03/05/18 11:10 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Maybell Offline
Member
Maybell  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Thatís really a nice update! How long have you been dating D?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: Divorced by 2016 [Re: Maybell] #2780665
03/05/18 01:57 PM
03/05/18 01:57 PM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
A
adinva Offline OP
Member
adinva  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
Thanks Maybell! About 10 months so far.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: Divorced by 2016 [Re: adinva] #2799083
07/02/18 09:57 AM
07/02/18 09:57 AM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
A
adinva Offline OP
Member
adinva  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
I've found a new T. In spite of how good my life is now, I'm still really really angry with XH and I'm not sure why, I guess just for not being who I thought he was and needed him to be. He didn't love me so he left and that was the right thing to do. I'm with someone now who is showing me everything I was missing before. But I still have to interact with XH in terms of figuring out holidays, graduations, college tuition and other grown-kid type stuff and it's always painful and awkward for me to anticipate how to be and what will happen. (For example we exchanged text messages about S18's graduation and he said he'd go so I was nervous about whether we'd sit together or not, and then he was so late he almost missed it, and didn't sit in the empty seat I had next to me, and I was mad about that; and then he asked S18 to go out to dinner even though S18 and I already had plans, so I was mad about that but invited him along and was nervous about that, and it turned out ok so I was relieved. Too much emotion going on over XH and his behavior.)

So I'm hoping to have T help me with that, and with how to get off the fence and move forward with moving in with my bf, and with the anxiety and depression I still cope with, and various other things I need to work on. Assignment is to re-read Codependent No More. I forgot and fell back into some old patterns, and with my bf's really crazy alcoholic XW it's good for me to get a refresher on the fact that I can't fix things and it's not my job.

The XW is now blaming all her problems on me, and her abusive outbursts to my bf and sometimes to her kids are over the top. But we've been advised to go about our days together like normal and let her have whatever reaction she's going to have, to not walk on eggshells around her. If my bf weren't so perfect for me in other ways, it would be irritating that he comes with little kids and a crazy ex, but he really is good for me.

I'm back in DB to look for wisdom in navigating these complicated relationships since I know a lot of people here deal with the same kinds of things.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: Divorced by 2016 [Re: adinva] #2799649
07/05/18 07:57 AM
07/05/18 07:57 AM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
A
adinva Offline OP
Member
adinva  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
Finished Codependent No More and it was a good reminder to stay in my own sandbox. I wish my bf's XW would get into AA and try to get better - she'll be a thorn in bf's side for the next 10 years or more. Alcoholism is a monster.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: Divorced by 2016 [Re: adinva] #2799676
07/05/18 09:58 AM
07/05/18 09:58 AM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
Scotland
F
focus22 Offline
Member
focus22  Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
Scotland
Originally Posted By: adinva
Alcoholism is a monster.


Yup.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Re: Divorced by 2016 [Re: focus22] #2799687
07/05/18 11:29 AM
07/05/18 11:29 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,420
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,420
New guy I am dating has an ex-wife who was an alcoholic. Fortunately his daughters are in their 20's so he doesn't really have contact with his ex. Hopefully things will stay that way (I think they will, they've been divorced for 4-5 years).

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