Cali, I've spent the last week reading all your old threads (and I think I'm still only halfway through!). I hope you don't mind me saying that your sitch has made for some good night time reading . While I know where you are currently, I look forward to reading the rest of the story. I just felt compelled to reach out now and thank you for your contributions to this board. Your patience, honor, and love towards your wife and s is truly inspiring and I really wish you all the best. Also, your commitment to yourself and your development is really remarkable. You really deserve all the greatness that life has in store for you.
You've taught me a lot and even given me that little extra oompf I need to keep on my path as well. Thank you. Be well!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Cali, I've spent the last week reading all your old threads (and I think I'm still only halfway through!). I hope you don't mind me saying that your sitch has made for some good night time reading . While I know where you are currently, I look forward to reading the rest of the story. I just felt compelled to reach out now and thank you for your contributions to this board. Your patience, honor, and love towards your wife and s is truly inspiring and I really wish you all the best. Also, your commitment to yourself and your development is really remarkable. You really deserve all the greatness that life has in store for you.
You've taught me a lot and even given me that little extra oompf I need to keep on my path as well. Thank you. Be well!
Thank you Feyth ... hopefully my journey can help someone as I have come away from this learning quite a bit .. not only about MLC but also about myself and I continue to learn.
So bit of an update.
Things have regressed ... seemingly badly since Sunday night. I think the one thing ... the big mistake I made was forgetting that W is still going through MLC, and there were things I did wrong due to my own issues and pain brought on by this entire mess, something looking at it now I should have been bigger than ... and yes not having expectations would have been good to fully adopt but I was torn between not wanting to be hurt, and wanting to go all in and save my marriage. As of this morning W again wants to separate and D. I was reading the thread about how death triggered most MLC'rs .... part of me linked my fathers death (whom she disliked) to this but I think that may have not been the driving force, I am pretty confident that BIL and his 20 year prison sentence had more to do with it and with the Holidays ... especially Christmas coming seems she has ran back into the tunnel as I was ambushed with the familiar Monster Sunday night, after a relitively good weekend. That being said ... over the past few months I reverted ... confidence shaken after the A, her and I not having sex .. I was putting timelines on it, thinking maybe OM was back in the picture (may be but I have no idea) just all those things that flood one and I lost my DB compass here and there and did not approach this probably the way I should ... partly the MLCr not admitting wrong/showing remorse was really eating me and I felt the need to point out how wrong it was, how hurt I was as I fought trigger after trigger the closer I found myself getting to her... but reading a bit this was not the time and I did not understand that as she was waking up it would most likely still be a number of years till everything really sunk in .... silly now that I type it out and share because as I have given it alot of thought ... it really does not matter anymore, the past is not going to help me and I at this time do not have a who is capable of helping me through this pain, the pain of not having sex with my W for 3 years being told it was medical issues but learning otherwise ... all those MLC spews left some scars and took away a great deal of confidence that I have yet to fully heal from. Toss in the STD ..... well it may just be in my case as hard as I tried to save this M there may very well have been far to much damage dealt by us both to recover. In the time we got back together (admittedly to soon) I think what makes things different in my case is W's continued health problems (which I am currently again being blamed for ... increased stress and all) the constant dealing with her health really distracted her from working through the mental side of all this .... might explain why her mother looks to be stuck in MLC land as well. I see this clearly now as I have taken a step out of the woods and can see things a bit more clearly, might be to late, might not ... I told her this morning I would not file for D, she said she would .. I also said I was not moving out .. though thinking I might have to ... her place and her lease I am hoping to just fly low and get through the Holidays and pray she wakes a bit and comes out but I again received the IDLY line so it may be time for me to really give thought to all this, I have done all I can, made mistakes sure .. but I have exhausted myself to this point and I am not sure she can really give me what I need in a relationship as its clear to me she bounces in and out of MLCville and quite possibly will do this for the rest of her life.
So for now .... DBing again .. when in doubt do nothing. Seems our discussion this morning she viewed as me begging .. far from it more along the lines of truth darts ... deep down since October I really felt I would have to leave her and let her complete her journey if she is able to .... knowing I am about done and wanting to just be loved without this hurricane storm constantly pounding my shores
Cali, I'm so sorry to read this and my heart goes out to you. I know people always say that trying to piece is tough, tough and more tough. You feel as though you have made some mistakes, but it is an incredibly difficult situation and it would be astonishing if you had got everything right.
Whatever happens next, you have come such a long way developmentally already. As you say, for now doing nothing sounds like a good plan and I hope other wise posters will come along and offer support too.
Take care my friend ((((((Cali))))))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ouch. I'm so sorry you have been given this latest challenge, Cali. I'm trusting you'll find all the strength and courage necessary to continue onward. You are loved, my friend.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Cali, I'm sorry to read the latest news, but I'm not surprised, as you might have guessed. Reconciling too soon, especially moving back in together, puts a lot of pressure on both parties. Expectations run high for the LBS and yes, we do tend to forget that they are still in crisis and navigating the path in order to get to the other side.
Will she file? No one knows for sure, but if she does, she can change her mind right up to the time of the hearing. For now, breathe, step back, sit quietly and allow the answers to fall in your lap. Please allow things to progress naturally and above all else...no expectations.
Cali, no matter what happens, you will come out the other side a wiser man who has learned so much along the way, i.e., especially having patience.
Cali, again, I'm sorry to hear the news...but she needs her space and time to figure things out. Give yourself a much needed break from the madness and start doing some things just for YOU and only YOU.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The whole process is hard and painful, none of it is an easy task for the LBS to navigate, but this last bit seems to be the hardest. Job pointed out to me this week that we (LBS) see some normalcy and run with it, become complacent and forget the s is still in crisis and anything could happen at anytime, I forget this and reading your update has jolted me back into being more aware.
Take a step back Cali, leave her to continue onward and figure all this out. Give yourself some space from what is going on; your emotions are running high so try not to make too many decisions right now. Look after yourself and your s as he will need your support.
Unfortunately this is all part of the path we chose to try and save our marriages. Like you, my wife has health issues along with depression that I am blamed for. Nothing I can do about it nor can I take on ownership of it. The biggest issue in all this is the depression that they suffer from. I have learned through all this that depression is not truely understood by the medical community. They put people on medication for it without even being able to test to see if it is the correct thing to do. It is mostly trial and error on the part of the doctors to try and help the patient who suffers from depression.
Step back,take a deep breath and look at things more clearly. Don't take ownership of your wifes issues, only your own. remember there will be a happy ending for you if you take care of yourself. Who knows what that happy ending will look like. It may be with your wife, it may not be. Only time will reveal that answer.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
