Some of the best, strongest marriages that I know and that have weathered the toughest times are ones where they spend time apart, run their own errands and have their own downtime. I can completely see how this could be upsetting when coming off of an A and trying to rebuild an M. But I think it is almost vital in any healthy marriage.
A lot of A's happen because perhaps a spouse feels "trapped" or not enough like their own person. She may really need her own time to reset and remember who she is as an individual.
A suggestion is perhaps blocking out certain times that are dedicated to the 2 or 3 of you. But allow for other times where you guys simply GAL and od your own thing. It's great for both of you.
Just because she needs her alone time, doesn't mean she is having an A or doesn't love you, or doesn't want to be around you. She simply needs it to be her own woman. I get where she is coming from, and I get where you are coming from.
Just keep communicating with her. And listen as she communicates. Youw ill come to a compromise. She may not jump directly on your boat, but hopefully you can meet half way.
Cali, Ginger has made some excellent points here. Your wife hasn't settled down into her own skin and she may not for quite some time. Many people need some alone time, even in the best of relationships, because they need time to think and to recharge their batteries. Reconciliation is difficult and she does need this time to think and contemplate how to make things right.
Cali, she's trying to come back to you the best way she knows how and right now, she's doing it at her own pace. Keep your expectations at zero because if you don't, you are going to be disappointed and frustrated when she's not able to meet you half way now. Give her the time and space she requires. If she needs alone time, give it to her...my friend, that alone time may be worth its weight in gold when you both cross the finish line.
Also, you may want to go back and re-read the thread that I wrote many years ago about reconnection. It's not easy and it takes a lot of patience. Dig deeper for patience.
Since I cannot really post via computer at work, I read on my phone … compose an email .. send it to myself and paste it here … as with anything the rats will find a way to get the cheese.
I completely agree that a married couple needs individual .. GALs .. if you will, infact it was one of the things I thought about as we began piecing. Maybe if I lay out our week it might make sense a bit, along with the fact I may have failed to mention at no time am I thinking she is off with OM, nor a possible OM2 …. I do think like job said she is really trying to figure out what this new skin looks like on her, and to add to that its like she has a few to choose from (I’ll explain) So…. Mon/Tues are open … but school nights so its work come home, cook, help S stay on his homework and hopefully get some family time in. Wednesday W has massage therapy and does not get home till 7-7:30, Thursday night I have softball, Friday nights I work and W and S have ‘Zombie’ Nights which I think is pretty cool and a way she is rebuilding the R with S. So that leads us to the weekends. To be honest over the past 3 weeks sense we came back I was comfortable with her busy Saturdays. Since the Redwoods trip she is inspired to start her business….This has been 10 years of her talking about doing it, she typically will spend a good deal of cash on gear, software, and lenses (As of last night she just bought a new Mac) … hit it hard for 3-4 months then seems to lose steam regardless of my encouragement. She has a talent but she is intimidated …. For a bit during the past year she was taking classes … again .. I support all this. On top of that she is feeling better and wants to start hitting the gym again, which I have no issues with. Then toss in the PGA for the school which as of late has her tied up on Monday Nights. Which leaves us Saturdays/Sundays, that past Saturday was the ‘test’ that morning, oil change, lunch with a friend downtown … again I was still good up until those walks I suggested we take as S practices from 5-6:30 on Saturdays she opted out of to go get gas and return a few things she bought. That was the “Ok wait a minute how are we going to work on this with all that you are taking on” moment.
So all ^^^ That being said. I was reading, I smh at the fact I think over the past 3 years I have read more than I have in 15 years combined. Anyways I came across some things that made me take a step back and look at my sitch. W as job and others have pointed out … she is figuring herself out, I had the … I refuse to call it a luxury… lets go with the opportunity to fully put some serious time in on myself. W is taxed with trying to work on herself and at the same time fix a marriage that this crisis all but destroyed …. I picture the old school Johnny Carson show when they would have a circus performer spinning all those plates on the sticks. So I have to be the one to remind myself to just hang back … when she comes around to spin the marriage plate accept it … give her time to figure out which plates need spinning, which ones are important .. and which ones she can go ahead and let crash. I realized with this … that “Fixer” in me is trying to do to much … W has to fix this, it needs to come from her, if I do all the work here it will not be the type of M that is stronger … 50-50 is the goal, again it goes back a bit to that push-pull dance.
The second issue with this whole reconciliation bit … was an article I read concerning my expectations. I think we all have this idea of what a M will look like, for me its not perfect but there are some ‘options’ I really want the dealer to stick on that car. The article used an image of a puzzle, with a picture of a landscape on it … and how one would look for the edges and corner pieces to start working on it (the M) and piecing it all back together. Again … that image is the guide … then the curve ball .. that’s OUR image, what if the box in fact contained the puzzle-picture of something else? It hit me … this puzzle I thought I was putting together has my image of the M .. the one I want … but in fact this M puzzle is Gods image of my M, I have no idea what its going to look like nor can I force these pieces in a place where I think they should fit … so I am using this to get myself to relax and just allow the pieces to unfold as the will and fit where they fit.
Cali, You know the drill of stepping back and allowing her the time and space to finish up her crisis. She's still not completely baked and she's going to test the boundaries and yes, temper check periodically. Her comment about control sent a red flag up because in her mind, you are trying to control her time, what she does, etc. I know you aren't doing this, but to her your comments were interpreted as controlling.
Now, I know you this as well...but I'm going to point it out again...you both are now two different people. Your travels have taken you down different roads and you both have grown by leaps and bounds. The old wife is gone and you have to accept that when she finally leaves the crisis mode, she very well could keep some of her MLC behaviors/traits. This is something you will need to think about when the dust finally settles and the oven declares she's fully baked. You've changed too and right now, you both are tap dancing around each other because everything is new. The old marriage is gone and you both are trying to build from the foundation up. It takes time and yes, plenty of patience, frustration and disappointment.
You've stated what was on your mind, now allow her to mull it over and see how she responds. She may not respond today, tomorrow or Friday, but she will do her best to meet you half way. It all takes time. Don't rush the process!!!!
Cut yourself some slack, keep those expectations very low. She entered her crisis very slowly and she'll come out of it very slowly. Patience is the key!
You know how I feel about you, Luke. You also know I am going to keep it real, yea?
I am thinking this. You are looking at each action, each word from your wife to define your relationship. That's not how life works. Sometimes she is going to want to do something. It may not be what you wanted her to choose, but, you aren't her, right?
What you think being all in should look like may not be what she thinks it looks like. And yea, she is finding herself. She is trying to figure out who she is aside from a wife and a mother. That's normal stuff.
All you can do is what you think you need to do regarding yourself. You cant have expectations of what she should do. It isn't any one word or actions that sets the tone here. It will be a cumulative and collective kind of a thing that will lead to a restored marriage.
There will be fits and starts, valleys and hills. That's life.
As you go on, you will fine tune those things that are important to both of you and eventually find a rhythm. That happens through give and take over time. Til then, keep walking forward. Allow her space to figure herself out. Continue to work on you. Enjoy the moments and embrace the possibilities.
seems she is still trying things on and seeing how they fit at the moment if that makes any sense
Yep, makes perfect sense. Like watching somebody that shattered put themselves back together without really knowing what the picture "should" look like. I say should, because that's really a lot of this, isn't it amigo?
Quote:
Cali, she's trying to come back to you the best way she knows how and right now, she's doing it at her own pace
Couldn't agree more, Cali. And since you wrote these things about her and you, I think you see that too. It comes out in your posts.
Quote:
you will fine tune those things that are important to both of you and eventually find a rhythm
Yep, couldn't agree more with that either. Dang, you get the best advice from these folks!
The one thing that seems to be a stumbling block for you both is the sex. I understand that. Just calling it out in the open. Why? Because one thing that "helps" customers be closer is the physical intimacy. It's a follow on to the emotional and spiritual intimacy. Like icing on the cake. But like all things, it has to be in time and you both have to ready. Just something to keep in mind that may contribute to her thinking you don't fully accept her yet.
I admire the path you've taken, Cali. A hard road to be sure. But I think you've done it with style and grace to date and making great progress. I like the balance you seem to have in yoru posts - shows a lot about where you are and where your W is. She is trying very hard and it's a bumpy road to be sure. Unchartered in her family by the sound of it.
Don't let up! You're getting to the best parts..
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
We seem to be on a similar path although you are farther down the road. Sotto recommended that I read your update...great advice from her. I struggle with all of the same issues. My W needs space...before her A and now even more. But, like you, I read into a lot of what is happening. One day things are great, she is intimate and affection. The next day, she seems distant. Still friendly but like a cloud is over her. If the A had not happened, none of this would be an issue. As many have stated, in a lot of happy marriages the H and W spend time alone doing their own thing. Frankly, it makes their time together more interesting.
But due to the A, like you, I am always wondering. Is she quiet b/c the OM called her? Is she quiet b/c she is rethinking about us? I know I should not read into these situations and should just live my life. Piecing is so much harder than after BD. People were right and I just laughed at them. I am not laughing now.
I will stay close to your thread and see what I can do to help in anyway. Please feel to do the same with mine (in extramarital affairs).
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
You know the drill of stepping back and allowing her the time and space to finish up her crisis. She's still not completely baked and she's going to test the boundaries and yes, temper check periodically. Her comment about control sent a red flag up because in her mind, you are trying to control her time, what she does, etc. I know you aren't doing this, but to her your comments were interpreted as controlling.
Job .. thank you as always for your perspective .. and you are right. I do not feel I am ‘controlling’ … well not in the overbearing husband sense but more along the lines of holding true to my boundaries and not budging. That “You are controlling” has been her battle cry and I have accepted it as just that .. a cry … and I agree as its very obvious to me she is still going through this crisis and I continue to observe and try to give her the space she needs.
Originally Posted By: job
Now, I know you this as well...but I'm going to point it out again...you both are now two different people. Your travels have taken you down different roads and you both have grown by leaps and bounds. The old wife is gone and you have to accept that when she finally leaves the crisis mode, she very well could keep some of her MLC behaviors/traits. This is something you will need to think about when the dust finally settles and the oven declares she's fully baked. You've changed too and right now, you both are tap dancing around each other because everything is new. The old marriage is gone and you both are trying to build from the foundation up. It takes time and yes, plenty of patience, frustration and disappointment.
I think this is the part that has caught me offguard a bit. I get it … but I still think it’s a waiting game to see just who she is going to be, she is still trying things on, still figuring it all out but her actions show she still seems to need me to be just where she put me as this process works itself out. Our talks and what she shares are a lot of her childhood, her parents and the issues that came from that time in her life, she is dealing with her own issues as she can and I am trying to be patient and wait for us to address the marriage issues but now is still not the time … so I have adopted the DB no R talks … if she brings it up I am honest about how I feel (update later on this)
Originally Posted By: job
You've stated what was on your mind, now allow her to mull it over and see how she responds. She may not respond today, tomorrow or Friday, but she will do her best to meet you half way. It all takes time. Don't rush the process!!!!
Cut yourself some slack, keep those expectations very low. She entered her crisis very slowly and she'll come out of it very slowly. Patience is the key!
Could not agree more .. I have noticed that with this there is a MLC delay factor, very similar to the seeds planted approach, I might say/do something and notice her reaction to it weeks/months later.
You know how I feel about you, Luke. You also know I am going to keep it real, yea?
I am thinking this. You are looking at each action, each word from your wife to define your relationship. That's not how life works. Sometimes she is going to want to do something. It may not be what you wanted her to choose, but, you aren't her, right?
What you think being all in should look like may not be what she thinks it looks like. And yea, she is finding herself. She is trying to figure out who she is aside from a wife and a mother. That's normal stuff.
uR .. I think this is a big point and one I have started to look at which was my point in the previous post or two (I am emailing my replies so I do not have the thread in front of me currently) It was about the “Picture” and this seems to have expanded for me in my processing of all this … the image of my M, commitment, ‘all in’ reconciliation … just to name a few does not really match up with how I envisioned it and that was creating some friction internally for me. Even the way W shows love/affection is different … this was foreshadowed in the 5 LL .. but now it’s even clearer to me, nothing will match up perfectly with how I pictured this … this is how disillusionment happens and I am at a point currently I need to look at which things I can accept and appreciate as they are … and which ones I cannot. The pictures on the wall are going to look how they will … it’s my choice to let them continue to assemble and paint a clearer picture … or if I see something being painted and I know in my heart I cannot accept that to address it honestly, then let those things play out as they will.
In other words, I am trying to be more patient and more accepting and allowing this thing to play out without judgement and without any expectations.
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
All you can do is what you think you need to do regarding yourself. You cant have expectations of what she should do. It isn't any one word or actions that sets the tone here. It will be a cumulative and collective kind of a thing that will lead to a restored marriage.
There will be fits and starts, valleys and hills. That's life.
As you go on, you will fine tune those things that are important to both of you and eventually find a rhythm. That happens through give and take over time. Till then, keep walking forward. Allow her space to figure herself out. Continue to work on you. Enjoy the moments and embrace the possibilities.
I think this is where we are now … there are peaks/valleys … times of stagnation and then mini breakthroughs.
