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A Message from Michele
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Re: Sotto sotto voce [Re: Dawn70] #2611546
10/01/15 07:04 PM
10/01/15 07:04 PM
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rd500 Offline
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Hi Sotto. Wow, that's a lot of news!! Would you mind if I take them in order of importance ?

1/. Your thinking of going on a date !! Really pleased and a little jealous ! I think you have overtaken Vanillia in the GAL stakes and I keep expecting to see

" SOTTO takes BEAR on Safari but he can't hack it. " advertised on TV !!

But going on a date will answer a lot of questions for you. I have been there and I knew I wasn't ready so maybe you will get to know how you really feel

2. Doing great at work. Why aren't I surprised ? It's not as if we are ever impressed by your compassion , intelligence and wit. How would any of that translate into the work place ?

3. You got a piece of paper What difference does that make ? You will be much more financially secure , your H will get to feel real loss and you are still the amazing , great person that is Sotto I am making light of the serious side and I didn't like to read how you cried for 12 hours but what doesn't kill you and all that. It's so tough Sotto. You are an amazing woman and H can see this but some part of his brain will not connect the dots

All Sotto can do is to continue to become even better ( if possible )

Take care and remember if handsome dan doesn't work out there are plenty more fish in the sea ( both the channel and the Irish )

Take care. Rd. xxxx

Re: Sotto sotto voce [Re: rd500] #2611560
10/01/15 07:47 PM
10/01/15 07:47 PM
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Sotto Offline OP
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Dawn, thanks for the hug and the vote of confidence. smile

RD, I was so touched by your post - thank you. I wouldn't say I'm going as far as thinking of going out on a date. More that if I were to be asked, I might consider a friendly drink?

Thanks for saying I'm compassionate, intelligence and witty - that's very kind.

Yes, I understand about the piece of paper. And it will help the finances for sure. Whether H feels the loss....who knows? But you are right - I am who I am and nothing takes away from that, and there is plenty of joy to be found in life....even after the loss.

Lately, I have been thinking about the length of H's R with both me and his XW. They were around 10 years long, and he joked once soon before BD that his R's always last 10 years. I do think he is in MLC with all the other signs - weight loss, void, much younger woman, can't grow old without chance to be a Dad again. But I also think there's a general emotional immaturity - where he struggles to make the transition from a 'young' R to a mature one - and goes in search of the 'in love' feelings again. Just a thought for today anyway.

RD, I hope you had a lovely trip and I'm looking forward to an update xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Sotto sotto voce [Re: Sotto] #2611580
10/01/15 08:46 PM
10/01/15 08:46 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
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jim0987 Offline
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Hi Sotto.

Sorry I've been absent for a bit and really sorry to hear about your feline companion.

A lot of what I would want to say has been said, particularly the stuff about how well you're doing. You always come accross so positively and as RD has said before, I wish Id conducted myself more like you through all this, including the bear safari GAL smile

Personally I would say if the opportunity arises the drink is fine. You'll get a better sense of where you are at and it doesn't have to be more than drink. Try not to worry about potential problems that are down the road - today has enough if its own.

The papers are hard (as I'm finding at the moment as well) but I think they are also helping me find closure a little. When they are done, then its over and I can truly get on with my life. Hopefully you'll find when they are done youll find a little (?) Weight lifted.

You're marvellous as ever


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: Sotto sotto voce [Re: jim0987] #2611866
10/02/15 08:10 PM
10/02/15 08:10 PM
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Sotto Offline OP
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Hi Jim, thanks for stopping by. It's always good to hear from you. Thanks for the kind feedback - though I don't think you should have any regrets about how you have conducted yourself. I don't have any plans for a bear safari - though never say never! I do know someone who goes on regular bear safaris though - at least a couple of times a year - polar bear watching in Alaska and so on. I'm sure I could swing an invite if I really fancied it.

Yes, that might be an idea about the drink. It would be nice to have a new male friendship (you guys excepted of course smile ) - though I'm certainly not looking for anything much more than that just now. Maybe when I am actually divorced I'll feel different.

Yes, I get you about the papers. It isn't nice to see it all there in black and white. For me, the main thing I'm working on is actually thinking about H much, much less. I still find myself ruminating over things and I don't want to carry on using up energy on that. I realise it is pointless and makes no difference to anything anyway. Other than that, I'm just going to deal with D business as best I can and look forward to having more settled finances, buying a place and so on.

Have a great weekend JIm xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Sotto sotto voce [Re: Sotto] #2612045
10/03/15 02:05 PM
10/03/15 02:05 PM
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rd500 Offline
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Polar bear watching in the Alaska. Will you never cease to amaze me !!

Re the drink with handsome Dan , I think it would do you the world of good. Your H dealt you a harsh blow and it would have knocked anyone's self confidence Even though it seems clear your H is in an MLC it's very hard not to take it personally and react in that way

My friends who have helped me through this time often encourage me to take a step back and look at the sitch with fresh eyes. Obviously I'm able to do that with yours. I hope you don't mind but below is what I see

H starts MLC due to age and or problems between you and him

H finds a OW ( didn't really matter who ) and Sotto finds out

Sotto leaves. Showing H you will not tolerate his behaviour

H is now in full MLC. and keeps grasping at those straws

Sotto ( from Hs point of view ) gets on with her life , leaving H to do him

H is grabbing now at straws , wants to be a dad but already is Two failed Rs behind him and why on earth would be feel like a 3 rd would be a success

H is now struggling with losing Sotto. And I believe he is or you would t be getting messages about how your the right one for him and beautiful , etc if he wasn't

Sotto ( from H view ) is still living her life and not begging H to return

H files for D as he NEEDS to get on with his life ( more like his MLC )

The above is my view Sotto , that's no mind reading , just observations based on the events In DR the MLC section is big on the length of time it takes for an MLC to end Looking at your Hs past you could be waiting some time. You've filled your life but there is still a sadness to your posts Of course I know why but I wonder if maybe a drink with handsome Dan or the like be a toe in the water to how you feel as opposed to how you think you feel

As I have posted my own offers from the fairer sex have been varied and scary!!!
but even when the very attractive young lady made the offer I was not moved. Now leaving Pink , you , Sunny and Vanillia out for the equation I don't think anyone could move me right now but maybe for Sotto it would be different

Just my two pence worth and ignore if I've overstepped any lines

Take care. Rd. xx

Re: Sotto sotto voce [Re: rd500] #2612050
10/03/15 02:54 PM
10/03/15 02:54 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,676
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job Offline

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rd,

I would like add my thoughts to what you have seen:

H starts MLC due to age, fear of mortality and yes, childhood issues have come bubbling up. (Please keep in mind that age for MLC can vary. It's not necessarily a key to MLC.) Something flipped the switch 18-24 months before the bomb dropped. His crisis is his to own.

As for problems in the marriage, that wouldn't be actually sets the crisis in motion. No marriage is perfect and I'm sure that if there were some problems, Sotto has owned her half. Again, his crisis is his to own completely. He's broken and he thinks he needs to find the illusive happiness before he's old and dies. Unfortunately that illusive happiness is within.

Sotto, yes, like a toddler, he's afraid that he going to lose you. He doesn't want you, but yet he wants to know that you are right where he left you when he entered his crisis. Sotto, you have risen from the ashes just like a Phoenix. Don't allow his behaviors to pull you back into the dark pit. Live your life to the fullest and if he should ever wake up and want to reconcile, then he's got a lot of work to do to earn your trust, love, etc. back again. Ultimately, you will be the one to decide whether or not you want to try again...but that's a long way down the road.

Re: Sotto sotto voce [Re: job] #2612074
10/03/15 03:47 PM
10/03/15 03:47 PM
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rd500 Offline
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Hi Job. Thanks for clarifying the crisis bit Sotto has more than owned her share and I shod have been more specific Thanks

Take care Rd

Re: Sotto sotto voce [Re: rd500] #2612147
10/03/15 07:45 PM
10/03/15 07:45 PM
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Sotto Offline OP
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Hi RD and Job, thanks so much for your posts, both of which I found really helpful. RD, for taking the time to set things out as you see them, and Job for offering some further insight and clarification. I'm grateful to you both.

Well, I did an extra shift at the bookstore today, and I'm just back from Mum-sitting. It is an evening in for me and I have the rugby on. Hope everyone is having a good weekend xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Sotto sotto voce [Re: Sotto] #2612582
10/05/15 06:58 PM
10/05/15 06:58 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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jim0987 Offline
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Hi Sotto,

how was your weekend in the end? (ignoring the Rugby)

I like the way RD set things out as i do think its much easier to see things from the outside. Looking at your situation you clearly enforced a boundary far better than so many others have and then have conducted yourself expertly.

From the outside we can look in and see that your H is looking for something and we can also see that had he looked properly he would have seen he already had whatever it is he is looking for. He may or may not ever realise and then he has a truck load of work to do so I doubt anything will be quick.

You've been here for nearly a year now and a lot has happened in that time, some bad but a lot of it good and like Job said, you've definitely risen from the ashes. I'm curious what thoughts and goals do you have for the next 12 months?

Have a great evening smile

Last edited by jim0987; 10/05/15 06:59 PM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: Sotto sotto voce [Re: jim0987] #2612650
10/05/15 10:44 PM
10/05/15 10:44 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,226
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rd500 Offline
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Hi Sotto. You ok ?

Take care. Rd. xx

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