Hello everyone - it's been awhile since I've posted and my previous chains have timed out. Sitch is still about the same; however, I talked to W for the 1st time in 6 months today so I figured it was about time for an update.
In the past 6 months, I've moved out of our house and turned it into a rental, continued to work on my master's degree, added a few new hobbies and friends, and took a trip to visit family out of state. I have several fun trips planned on the horizon and a busy fall schedule ahead of me.
With all that though, my W has been on my mind every day. As some may recall, we separated about 10 months ago. She got a job with and moved nearby OM out of state and eventually moved in with him.
That was definitely painful, but I've reached a point where I know I'm really okay without her, especially the person she has become this past year.
However, I've been challenged in many instances to remain open to reconciliation. It seems every sermon I've heard lately is pointing towards reconciliation, forgiveness, healing from sexual sin, etc. It all culminated to a point this weekend where God revealed to me that I had allowed bitterness to grow in my heart towards him. I had prayed fervently, although not as much recently, for healing in my marriage but that prayer has thus far gone unanswered. All the stories of marriages restored and of healing and reconciliation, which kept my hope alive early on, became unanswered promises and appeared to me as distant fantasies. It's as if I wanted reconciliation so bad it made me sick that I despised the thought of it and W.
Out of conviction, I felt called to take a step of obedience and of faith to reach out to my W. I could tell you all the ways I felt God talking to me and pressing me towards that action, but basically I was urged to open a line of communication. Before going dark earlier this year, I had finalized our S agreement and property division such that W would have no legitimate reason to contact me. And she hasn't.
I called her today, and surprisingly, she answered. She just happened to be in the car with her parents who were visiting from out of town. As some may recall, they were supportive of our M and devastated by the news of the A and S. After a brief convo, she asked if she could call me back. She called back and we spoke for about 15 minutes.
During the call I told her I forgave her and she said she was glad to hear it and, in very few words, apologized for what she had done. She sensed from our initial convo that I wanted to speak on a deeper level so she offered to answer any questions I had. I told her I didn't want to dwell on everything that had happened, but for my own understanding I wanted to know what she thought happened in our relationship that lead to this outcome. She repeated much of the same as I'd heard before: we got married too young, should have lived together before getting married, we were pressured to get married, and she saw the affair as a way to get out of being married. She revisited her thought and said "You were a good husband and we loved each other." This has been my recollection as well; we had a fairly healthy and positive relationship. I now can see we clearly failed to affair proof our marriage and the nature of her occupation greatly increased the possibility of an affair.
We talked a bit more about nothing, then our pets, and I told her I appreciated her time and was about to hang up when she stopped me and insisted that she had a few questions. She wanted to know how I was doing - what was new with me. I told her about my master's degree, how work was going, that I had started a new business venture, that I had moved. She seemed surprised to hear it all. I mentioned how I had kept up with some mutual friends, and she thanked me for keeping those relationships going. Somewhere in there she shared that she was "with" OM now, but insisted that communication with him only restarted again after we separated. However, she did tell me she was open to talk if I ever wanted to.
Before we got off the phone she brought up D, and asked "when will our divorce be finalized?" I explained I had nothing in the works and she didn't seem to understand how the process worked. It seems she thought our separation agreement was a divorce proceeding... I had told her months, back before going dark, that I intended to divorce her due to her ongoing relationship with OM, and she recited my painful words exactly as I said them tonight: "I intend to divorce you quickly." This clearly is a point of bitterness she holds against me. I didn't apologize, maybe I should have, but she seemed to get the point that I don't have intention to file right now. She said she would take "care of it" so I told her to let me know if she needed a signature.
After the call, I spoke with my mom and sister and both told me that they had recently reached out to her. My sister and W were close friends before we ever dated, but my mom and W never seemed to connect. From my position, it seems that God is slowly chipping away at W and using my family to help the healing. Maybe he even has plans to build relationships better than they were before. I'm not holding my breath though, and feel at peace with any outcome.
Now, for all of you reading who are early on in your discovery of an affair and going through much pain, please understand that the pain does heal. Be patient with yourself and your spouse. At this point, my sitch isn't exactly a beacon of hope to those longing for reconciliation, but trust me. I've been through the many sleepless nights. You can get through it, and reconciliation of your marriage isn't the only outcome that offers hope, laughter, peace, and happiness. Please be comforted in knowing that I'm praying for you too. And keep in mind that God invented marriage. Just like salvation, marriage reconciliation is God's work, happens in God's time, and only will happen if God wills it. Although it can appear as a way for you to regain control of your wayward spouse, DB'ing is really just a tool to build yourself up so you can heal and (hopefully) play a role in reconciling your marriage.
UpperCut Me: 28 W: 25 Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home) S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15) No kids
I have thought about you and hoped you were doing well. Your wife seems to still be on her journey. Take care of yourself and live life to the fullest.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction