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A Message from Michele
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Re: as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4) [Re: asitis] #2602765
08/30/15 04:36 AM
08/30/15 04:36 AM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
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asitis Offline OP
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asitis  Offline OP
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So rough evening. Feel like I'm coming down w/ S6's cold. Already had been to the grocery store today, and start making dinner: homemade pita & hummus as the main dish. Almost out of garlic & salt. Out of tahini. No mention of these by W when we traded off. Drives me a bit crazy, as I always mention if I use things up. Call her to see if she might have bought replacement but put it some place odd before I have to get the kids dressed & run to the store. Out to store again w/ kids to get tahini. Can't figure out where they keep it & clerk has no idea what tahini even is (I usually get it at the bigger store but that's a 25 minute round trip). Finally find it.

Back home. Struggling w/ new food processor that is leaving things too chunky. Parts of the garlic were bad, so not really enough garlic. then S3 has an accident. Loosing it. Kids are out of control. Dad is starting to lose control. Hummus taste like crap because of lack of garlic & new food processor doing a crappy job.


Then W texts about getting Netflix set up on her laptop. Call & let her know that I'm going nuts & can't really help. She talks me down. Good empathy. Suggests I just get the kids pizza. Sometimes being single parent is really a handful. She knows this as well. I order the pizza and get her some help on the netflix (it's my account, but I had offered a while to let her use it) as a gesture of thanks. Shouldn't have called, but it probably worked out well.

We've really been relaxed w/ each other in many ways the last few days. Good conversations. Her interested in my classes & what I'm studying, my helping out with some gender violence prevention trainings with some other professor's classes, etc.

I really, really wanted to ask her to come over tonight after the kids were in bed. I really just wanted her in my bed for a while. Really strong urge. Didn't ask, but I really wanted to. Still a bit surprised by how powerful the urge was. Glad I didn't act on it, as while I might have just gotten a yes, it was much more likely to have set things back and raised her defenses again.

Tomorrow it will be time to get back on track.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Re: as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4) [Re: asitis] #2602857
08/30/15 06:29 PM
08/30/15 06:29 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
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asitis Offline OP
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So, I'd like some brainstorming help.

W & I fell for each other because we have common intellectual interests. She is showing signs of interest in what I'm doing now again. But she is also getting back to some of her research that overlaps with what I'm doing. A good sign that maybe some of her depression is lifting.

Her work is researching from a political perspective female shame. She has done a lot of reading and thinking about the topic over the past year, but it is also something that she has been hesitant to share, because it is also personal and connected to our R. We can talk about my work & how it relates to hers, but I want to open up letting her talk about her work, as it is genuinely of interest to me and there is a lot of common ground and interest. She clearly gets enthusiastic about the topic, but I want to figure out how to make it safe for me to engage her and allow her to open up so that it is more her sharing and less me sharing.

It is awkward, and I recognize that it may be a bit too early, but she has brought the subject up a couple times, as if she is interested in making more of a connection. Just two days ago she volunteered that she was getting back into her research, but the kids interrupted discussing it further. I asked today what her research was on: coming back to the ongoing or something new. She was very interested in discussing it, but again the kids wanted her attention and it wasn't a good time. But, I signalled my interest back by asking.

So, I'm trying to think through how to bridge the awkwardness of connecting on this topic. She has not been comfortable doing anything one-on-one because of our sitch, but is clearly indicating interest in engaging. I don't want to scare her off, and I want genuinely want to flag my interest in her interest.

I only have one DB coach session before I have to shell over more money, that is a bit tight right now, so I'm hesitant having another session so soon after my last. It is really funny how I have a session, and then then next day my W initiates some kind of opening that I really want to run by my DB coach. It has happened more than once.

So, thoughts, suggestions, concerns?


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Re: as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4) [Re: asitis] #2602868
08/30/15 07:17 PM
08/30/15 07:17 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
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PigPen Offline
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That's great that she's interested in sharing with you As, that's fantastic. Is there a way to create an opening when you two switch for the kids, but one where they can't interject and take the focus away?

It sounds like the best thing to do would be to grab lunch or coffee with the specific intent of listening to her talk about her work, but that may be too bold a move at this point and come off as pursuit. You're kind of in a bind that way.

Next time you see her, I'd let her know that you're really interested in it and the last time when she started talking about it the kids got in the mix. Let her then set the stage for the how/where/when that she's comfortable with.

"hey I'd love to hear more about your research, last time we got cut off by the offspring...." (door is now open for her to let you know what way she wants to share)

Then it sounds like you get to sit there and enjoy a delicious cup of STFU and let her talk. And then maybe a second cup...

Hopefully the vets will chime in on this one. I still say it's a good sign.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Re: as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4) [Re: PigPen] #2602881
08/30/15 08:35 PM
08/30/15 08:35 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
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asitis Offline OP
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She has said she's not comfortable doing the one-on-one friend thing right now. I'm also a bit gun shy on this one since some of her wanting to explore female shame is because she felt/feels shame about not standing up for her wants in our M, so it is a bit sensitive.

But probably the best thing is just plant the seed that I'm very interested, and leave the ball in her court to respond or initiate.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Re: as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4) [Re: asitis] #2602944
08/31/15 05:31 AM
08/31/15 05:31 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
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Haven't y'all gardened together before? Go over just before she puts them to bed for a nap & asked her to help or show spots to work on etc. There's your in. Work in the same vicinity. Double bonus of bonding teamwork & her sharing her research with you.

Last edited by bravo61; 08/31/15 05:32 AM.

M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

Re: as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4) [Re: bravo61] #2603044
08/31/15 03:09 PM
08/31/15 03:09 PM
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Bravo61 is right, find something uncontrived that brings you together so that you can talk and work at the same time. It'll mean that if the R conversation goes off track you can switch focus. Make sure you end the time together prematurely, regardless of how well it's going, leave her wanting more.

If you start to fear this, it's good, you need to be courageous, which is acting despite your fear. No pushing, or shoving, be calm, cool and in control, put your lighthouse beam on its brightest and most attractive setting by being yourself, you can do it.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Re: as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4) [Re: bravo61] #2603263
09/01/15 05:22 AM
09/01/15 05:22 AM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
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asitis Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: bravo61
Haven't y'all gardened together before? Go over just before she puts them to bed for a nap & asked her to help or show spots to work on etc. There's your in. Work in the same vicinity. Double bonus of bonding teamwork & her sharing her research with you.


At first I was thinking you were using a euphemism for having sex in the "haven't y'all gardened together before?" Esp.with the when kids go to bed part (and I wish they would nap still). Shows where my mind is. Then again I just spent 4 hours surrounded by attractive 23-25 year olds wearing short skirts or leggings.

Seriously, we haven't had any real opportunities to do anything together of late except around child hand-off.

I did tell her I was interested in hearing more about her research sometime when we wouldn't be interrupted or distracted by the boys.

I'll just let that brew for a while, then find the opportunity to see if I can peak her interest to initiate further talk.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Re: as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4) [Re: asitis] #2604090
09/04/15 03:58 AM
09/04/15 03:58 AM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
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asitis Offline OP
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asitis  Offline OP
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Really busy this week, so I haven't been posting much. Not much time for W either. We did have a few good talks about mutually interesting stuff, and I was the one to disconnect the discussion.

Lots of activity on FB with my M.A.cohort to keep the W wondering what I'm doing. Plus friend brought her kids over to share a baby sitter while we went to our Buddhist group. W was just leaving when she arrived & saw me playing a bit w/ friends D2, who is adorable.

Got home and W had left her Divorce for Dummies book in the bedside table. LOL. I knew she had it, and knew she had been reading it. Bothered me a lot for a while. Now, it was just a chuckle and back to my life. I'm curious if she realizes that she forgot it and feels compelled to bring it up. Some good comments did pop into my head, like "I didn't know there was any other kind of divorce?" More chuckles. But no sting, which made me happy to realize.

Also, had coffee after group video call w/ classmate who already has an M.A.in Marriage & Family Therapy, but burned out trying to build a private practice, and is going back to do school counseling. She's trained in systems theory, as are all those who do MFT rather than social workers who also get their certificate but may not really study systems theory. It was a very insightful conversation. Reinforced a lot of DB coach (who also is trained in systems theory), and added a few nuggets because we were talking shop rather than just planning the practicalities of what to do. I'm always the type who does better knowing how the watch works.

Some new counseling students have friend requested me, so W is seeing a slew of attractive young women in her FB notices.

Still haven't received my d*mned place settings. Still need to find some place mat/napkin candidates to run past my W as DB coach suggested, but until I can show her the place settings, that project is on hold.

I'll try to catch up on people's threads in the next couple days, but I expect to be swamped and have more trouble keeping up for stretches of every week for a while.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Re: as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4) [Re: asitis] #2604114
09/04/15 08:08 AM
09/04/15 08:08 AM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
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Avanti Offline
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Asitis, you are making very good progress, keep on doing what you are doing although, if I may make an observation, you do seem to be doing things to, or wondering if events that are taking place will make your wife think, why are you doing this?

Remain caught up in what's happening in your life and leave it at that, she may or may not be wondering but if she senses you are looking over your shoulder, with a "are you looking at me" smile on your face, she may become cynical about all the progress you've made in many other areas, which would be a tragedy.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Re: as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4) [Re: Avanti] #2604133
09/04/15 11:14 AM
09/04/15 11:14 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
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Just dropped in to catch up asitis. I become more insightful from your thread with each thought you express. Thanks



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
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