Finally taking this plunge as I am not doing well on my own. I have been getting a lot of help reading here and i am now ready to share and hopefully get more help. ME 37 W 34
April 12 W of 8 years let me know she needs space and a break. we have been together 12 years, have two children D7 and S4. This was a blow to me. I never once considered we would ever go down the road of not being together. Leading up to this point I began noticing a difference in her around November of 2014. She seemed more distant. Not very affectionate and i felt she did not want anything to do with me anymore. She would lay in bed with our daughter to get her to fall asleep then stay in there watching the ipad for hours after then come to bed to sleep. She began wanting to do more things away from the house and with her friends only. Our sex life during this was all still pretty good, (more on that later). I am the bread winner in the household. we decided when we had children that we did not want day care. Before we were married she was bouncing between jobs and for a year before we were married she really did not work while we lived together. She had considerable debt i wanted to get cleared up before we married. I took on all expenses except her car payment. We were married and one year later our first daughter arrived. I am the owner of multiple businesses and though it sounds great, things were not always the most financially stable. I found myself in a cycle of working on our future and giving her everything she asked for. We moved to a new house before D was born. For the next 3 years we remained there. I have always been considered a type "a" person and very real with finances and my thoughts. I also played rugby for 20 years and reached a very high level. All of this is trying to give my personality background. I am also considered and introvert until i am very comfortable. After we were married we had a joint bank account that was funded with everything from our wedding. I never used this account and W spent all in it. I never funded it more as i felt she had some spending issues. I also once gave her a credit card to use and the amount she used in one month was enough to have to take it back.
After our S was born and D was approaching kindergarten we determined the schools were not acceptable and decided we need to move. we were having a hard time finding what she would be happy with in an area with good schools and not too far from everything else. Still being in sole responsibility of the finances i found a way to be able us to afford more house and after not getting our offer accepted on our current house and W crying, i went back to battle to get the house and we did! that was April of 2013. Trying to loop back to November of 2014, with the difference in her behavior i went on a mission to try and figure out why and improve our time and relationship. Looking back i did this in the worst way possible. I complained, got angry when she wanted to do things without me, or as soon as I would get home she would be ready to leave on her own. I felt like we just share a house ( funny because now we are). we did do more things together but she still wasnt the same, distant, or we would do things with other friends only and she would occupy herself with them. When other wives or girlfriends would come back to their husbands or show affection, she would just stay away. This would cause major arguments between us until the final one for the BD on the 12th.
I Immediately was crushed. I begged, pleaded, all of the wrong things. I went over board trying to fix what she told me was wrong. The keys were that she had been feeling this way for a while and was now "Numb". there was no way she could change how she feels and it will not go back. ILYBIANILWY. 1. She was not treated as an equal. Meaning with finances, deciding to buy things i always had to approve, etc..When i was playing rugby i would always be gone on trips and she could never do anything. 2. I was selfish...It was ok for me to do things with friends or whatever i wanted but she said i would give her a hard time. 3. I had a negative personality...I would talk down to her ideas or make her feel little, I never like her cursing and would always tell her to stop, especially in front of children. She has been a dancer in all categories her entire life and loves dance. she said i would treat it as cheap and not realize it is about performing for her.
I had taken all of these things in, went to therapy and worked through a lot of these. I know for a fact that i have become a better person. She attended a few sessions with me and was prob not a good idea. She was closed off, not wanting to hear other than what she felt. I stopped asking her to go as I felt it was doing more harm.
We have spent the past almost 5 months in the same house rainsing our children sleeping in different rooms. To cut this long story short we have had ups and downs during this time. Whenever i try to act as if and move on with my self she would bring up that she wants to separate. After a while this talk stopped and she wasnt ready to make that decision. then she wanted to discuss separate living situations. for a while this was quiet. Now we are facing an appointment with someone to handle a separation agreement. All of the items come up after we have any disagreement on something or i start detaching.
I know there are a lot more details and questions, but i guess we can handle those as we go along here. I am really looking for help. I feel like all of us, I dont want this, i want my W and family. I would do anything. I have read both Books among numerous others. Have coaching going on with Chuck. I know i have a hard time with the 180's and detaching. this is difficult because i want to love her and show her. I have recently brought religion back into my life during this looking for some help. It is difficult following the bible and trying to detach to me.
Sorry for the ramble but i am losing my mind thinking about us in separate living and moving on. the hardest part is handling the children. it crushes me.
thanks and I will be sharing and asking questions on everything.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for the reply. I have read both DB and DR.
I know i am having a hard time detaching especially living i the same house. I want the children to do things with both of us, but prob not healthy for me.
Few more notes...I have asked if there is someone else as plenty of people feel there must be. she denies and i believe her mostly. All she is really doing right now is going out to "dinner" with friends which equals her coming home after midnight. I had a hard time not asking about what she is doing.
I have printed the 37 rules and try my nest but very hard.
Sh states she wants to focus on her kids first then making herself happy by dancing and doing things she likes.
she feels she can not be herself around me.
She is out 3-4 nights a week with friends.
Sorry< i will just keep adding small bits of info as we go along. I am really looking for more help.
thanks
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
All of the items come up after we have any disagreement on something or i start detaching.
I know i have a hard time with the 180's and detaching. this is difficult because i want to love her and show her.
Hello OTW - Im really sorry you are here. Id start by reading all of the links Cadet posted. And probably read them again.
As for what I quoted - Im not sure youre doing this right. Detachment isnt about ignoring her, or leaving her out, or being cold, or being distant. Read the detachment thread...then lets talk!
I have asked if there is someone else as plenty of people feel there must be. she denies and i believe her mostly.
Do you think she would tell you if there was OM???
Originally Posted By: otw
I have printed the 37 rules and try my nest but very hard.
It is hard...at first. But the rules are there for YOU. Not for her. If I said "don't touch the stove while it's on", would you break that rule? Probably not, because you know what it feels like to get burned. So, it really depends how many times it takes getting hurt for you to learnt o follow them...
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Also. Are there any recent success stories? I really like reading those!
There was a series of threads by lost407 or something like that. He wasn't following a lot of advice but seemed to have some kind of relationship going with his wife even though she may have an affair still going. He just stopped posting.
One other thing I noticed was a success story I think on the homepage somewhere about a guy acting like a best friend to his wife and won her back. Is this against a lot of recommendations?
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
