On to Part V.

[dwh15]

I'm having trouble seeing how this journal is anything but hurtful to you both. I have no idea what you're writing, but in my mind it's all just words. Words typed into a screen are EASY but they are IMPACTFUL. It's easy for her to say "I miss you" but what she may be thinking and how you read it can be so different. All it does is give you another avenue to get hurt.

I think you've really got to drop contact and let her live her life so you can live yours. You can love her from afar, but until she's ready to ACT, all the interactions are going to do is cause you unneeded pain.

Agree with Az. It's impossible to interpret true meaning through text. Just way too many ways to read into what was really meant. Plus, as he said, it keeps you attached. It probably feels nice at times, but it's gonna keep opening wounds.

[Zelda09]

TLEE, not only the financial support, but I think you've given your W a lot of emotional support over the years. I think cake eating takes a lot of forms...that journal sounds like a throw back to old days and emotional release between the two of you.

[TLEE86]

Beag- I know... Sometimes I just need a release. Whether thats here or forcing myself to go for a run late at night..i have a tendency to get super emotional about something at that moment in time and then i realize that its not the end of the world and i need to slow down a bit. Im not sure about signing yet. It hasn't ben brought up by either side.

DW- Man do I know what you are talking about.

Sounds to me like your WW was having trouble with OM when she wrote those entries about possibly getting back together with you. I think it's common for a WW in that situation. Mine does the same sort of stuff. Any time she's having a fight with OM or things not going well, she starts posting quotes on FB talking about what could have been, etc. She sometimes likes to put pictures out there of us as a family. But it never lasts, since they make up in a day or two, then it's back to lights out. The level and frequency of their arguments is so intense that I'm sure it won't last. They've only been together a few months; I don't think the two of us even had an argument for over a year after we started dating.

We got married 1 year and 3 days after we met..not arguing or threatening to leave each other. As you said, these A relationships are toxic and probably wont last. My WW is obviously doing the same as yours. When she wrote all those things she and OM were fighting about a variety of things. And yes, the FB pictures of her and the dogs...and now that its been a couple weeks..im sure they've made up and just like you..back to NC for the most part.

Azz and Z- ill try and explain what the journal used to be and why i write in it but i have thought the same things you're writing as to what good its doing.

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The journal, I call it a journal but really think of it like a...diary. A War Diary. Butches it up a little bit.

But when I was deployed we couldn't always talk, couldn't always share things with each other for a lot of reasons of how we truly felt. So we started this journal and it was a great way to release our thoughts and feelings that we couldn't necessarily say to each other at that moment in time, didnt want to say to each other, or didnt know how because of everything going on. So by writing in it, we got to share our deepest thoughts and it was just a great release, whether it be happy things or sad things or angry stuff.

We stopped writing in it when i came home because we could obviously just talk to each other.

Since the separation almost a year ago, ive been continuing to write in it. I wrote in it almost every day to just let everything go, no holds barred just...if i felt angry i wrote that. if i was bawling my eyes out, i wrote it. its just a great emotional release for me because since i am in the army and new to TX, i don't have too many friends here that i am willing to share these details with so i vent to the journal. Much more than i write here because sometimes its just a one word sentence. sometimes pages- depends on the day.

So we both started writing in it again after we saw each other a few weeks ago...and i would continue to write the way i always have. no holds barred, everything from i miss her to how my day went. And she would do the same.

But now she seems to have lost interest in it, as i feared she would. she still writes in it but not nearly as often as she did the first week i left and not about getting back together anymore.

Azz, DW, and Z- you're right in that it is a way for us to both get hurt since it is just words but they are impactful. I guess i, we, thought it was gonna be a medium again to share and write things that are difficult to express over the phone or even an email. because these journal entries aren't directed at each other, its just..about each other. idk if that makes sense. and I don't know if its the right thing to do.

[Zelda09]

So it is basically like indirect emailing? It's anytime you guys want to check it?

It sounds like what you are saying, you are writing all kinds of things some days about her and her effect on you. Isn't that sort of like pursuit? Letting her know that she is still jerking you around?

I thought you said you were not communicating much with her. It sounds like this is a lot of communication! Where is room for the message that it's over? If I were her, it seems like she gets to not only know that you're still holding the rope, but see in which hand. And have a very private view into a personal life that she has done nothing to earn.

TLEE, where is your self-respect here? She has done nothing but hurt you and string you along, and you're still showing your belly to her!

If a man rapes me, the last thing I'm going to do is send him naked pictures and hope he will want to come back and make it all better and make love next time. Do you see what I mean? This woman has emotionally tortured you.

[TLEE86]

Z- yea...you're right...i guess the logic behind it was that if she was sharing her inner most personal thoughts too it opens up a different type of communication? not just a...hey how you doing kinda thing? We both share those things so idk...maybe your right

[Azzork]

Z- yea...you're right...i guess the logic behind it was that if she was sharing her inner most personal thoughts too it opens up a different type of communication? not just a...hey how you doing kinda thing? We both share those things so idk...maybe your right

But it's all based on her FEELINGS at any moment. Without any context, there is s much room for misinterpretation. And feelings change. She has a fight with OM? Great, you're right there to outlet her frustrations and regrets and repressed desires. Fights over? Time to erase all of that because the OM drug high is back. She's riding a roller coaster and taking you with her by sharing all of these feelings with you.

And at the same time, why do you want to be sharing every intimate thought with her? Why let her know you're right there flopping around on her hook?

TLEE, I agree with Zelda. You've got to let her go to live her life. You've got to start living your life. Maybe someday your lives will cross again in the not too distant future.

[Sotto]

Hi TLEE, good to see you posting some more again. I agree with the others about the online journal, and it may be time to let that one go. After all, do you really want to be sharing stuff like that with her when she's in a R with someone else? I can see that if may feel like a slender thread connecting you with her. But it also allows her to feel she still has you on the hook. She can keep you in some way and she also gets to keep OM.

If she says to you....oh I decided to stop posting...maybe you could say something like - yes, probably a good idea. I'm pretty busy now & don't have much time for journaling like that....and then just leave it and let the contact die right down. Remember the pursuit and distance dynamic? If your W knows right where you are (through your journal) she doesn't have to pursue at all does she? But if she doesn't know where you are or what you are doing....or who with.....well.....??

[Zelda09]

TLEE, are you out there? Tell us something good about your life. How are you?

[TLEE86]

So it's been a long time..about 8-9 months since I've posted anything on here and I'm not sure why I decided to today. Not a whole lot has happened and I guess that's why I stopped.

Quick summary of the last few months...

- Bought a bunch of new furniture for the house and a couple new guns
- Started traveling and going to Colorado during my offtime- i love that state
- 2 months ago, WW attempted to file for D, but could not go through with it and didn't do it. (She showed up to the courthouse, went to the desk and then ran back to her car when they asked her if she wanted to file).
- I started dating, went on 5-6 dates but none of them really panned out- I was one foot in, one foot out on all of them. Though I will say that all but one of them seemed to really enjoy our time together and even with that one, went out on 3 dates. So my confidence went up =)
- WW and I didn't talk a whole lot during that time
- 3 weeks ago, WW texts me on a Thursday and asks me if I was going to be home that same weekend because she bought herself a 600$ ticket from TN to come see me in TX. I ask her why she's coming here and she says "to see if there is still a spark there or not." Apparently there was because we had a great time together- as great as can be given the situation
- 2 weeks ago, WW texts me and says she's going to file for D because "OM really wants her to."
- For the second time, WW didn't do it and she says she doesn't know why
- WW and I rarely text or talk anymore.
- I am reverting back to calling and texting her for God knows why...I know I need to stop, and I am going to now, today, on Mother's Day.

I guess I'm wondering at what point do you give up hope. I realize my marriage is dead and has been for 18months now...almost 19..and there was a point a few months ago where I made a deliberate effort to move on and try and date other women. But I haven't asked WW to file, she seems to have a difficult time filing, but we don't even talk. I have no idea why I started calling or texting her the past couple weeks.

Well I do know why, because she bought herself a ticket, came here and we had a great time together (no we didnt sleep together or share a bed). And that got my emotions all confused again. And now I'm just ready to either be divorced officially or work on things- i guess needing some kind of closure, though i hate that word. And yes, i know that i probably will never get that closure, at least from her. So why the heck am I still holding on...my marriage is over, done, we're nothing. Im ready to start my life with someone and be happy again. So why am I still holding on...

What I know I have to do...is stop calling her and texting her and I will starting now. I was pretty good about that for a few months and maybe that's what spurred her to come here all of a sudden but it's not helping. It goes against everything DB or any book for that matter says. Besides that...I guess maybe just continue to try and move on. It's just days like today that are pretty rough, bad enough to come out of hiding on this forum after 9 months...

[Natus]

my situation is no way near yours, im only two months in but i want to know now what stops you from filing? After everything and you seem ready to move on plus shes still with OM.