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#2600063 08/21/15 12:43 AM
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TLEE86 Offline OP
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So last post i was debating on how honest to be with WW and how to treat my visit with her. And I agree with all of you that I should not lay it all out there, because there is nothing that hasn't already been said. Well, I saw her tonight and we swapped dogs, Im going to see her again tomorrow.

As usual we stood there hugging for a long time when we first saw each other. After a little bit she brought up the conversation of what we want to do about us. She told me she has the papers with her and if I would look them over. I told her I don't want this divorce but if she wants to file then I wont stand in her way.

She told me she doesnt know what she plans to do or if she will actually file, and she wonders why it is so hard for us to see each other and why we cry even though we barely talk to each other anymore and are living 2 separate lives.

I just told her I don't think this marriage is supposed to end this way and that I know I gave everything I had to it and only she would know if she did the same.

She left shortly after and said she wants to talk more about it tomorrow when we see each other again.

Honestly I don't know what else to say. I feel like she isn't sure she really wants this but is on a path that she simply cant stop. If she wants me to sign them, then Ill sign them because what good is it to refuse? It will be up to her if she actually files them and what happens after.

Not feeling too great right now. Wondering if i should have came here, wondering if seeing her just opened up old wounds...wondering if i should stay the course and keep trying and DBing or just throw in the towel. I wasn't even planning on bringing up the relationship talk, but obviously she wanted to. I don't know what I will even say to her tomorrow if she wants to talk more.

Last edited by TLEE86; 08/21/15 12:44 AM.

ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
TLEE86 #2600427 08/22/15 01:59 AM
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TLEE86 Offline OP
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Well she served me papers. Im going to sign them and get them notarized tomorrow or in the near future. My hearts breaking =(

Whats strange about this is what we talked about and what she said...bullet points below

- The person I am now is better than the person I was when I was with you. You made me feel like I couldn't do anything
- Yes T, OM is asking me why I havent filed for D yet, why we still talk, why i am dragging this out. Yes T, he and I argue about this.
- I know T, that their is a 60day period that the court holds onto the papers so I can always pull them if I don't want to do this
- I don't know when I am planning on signing the papers, maybe next week. I don't know when I plan to file them. I just want you to sign them so I can if i choose to do that
- T, to an extent, you signing the papers appeases OM.
- No T, OM will never do the things that you have done for me.
- T, OM will never understand how to budget $
- I know that I quit this marriage too early. I know that you will never give up on us. Yes that is a good quality to have in a H. I know OM wont do all the nice things you have done for me
- OM and I have our problems already. But he hasn't hurt me.

----

^^^ To me...sounds like she's on the fence about the D, but she is getting "encouragement" from OM to push her and get it done. I think I will get a D. But it doesnt sound like her relationship with OM is going to last...but I could be wrong. Why she tells me that she doesnt know when she plans to file or that she can pull the papers...is beyond me.

I am going to do my best to keep moving on without her. I miss her everyday but I cant force her to be in this M. I hope they fight all the time. Im pretty sad right now though. She's coming to say goodbye tomorrow morning.


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
TLEE86 #2602995 08/31/15 12:39 PM
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You've gone a bit quiet TLEE86, how are you and where do things stand now? You seemed to be in a lot of pain, just know that we are all pulling for you and want to help wherever possible, your posts are the only way we can do it.

When you get a moment, it might be worth putting an update on your last thread pointing people here and one her pointing to your previous thread so people can see your progress.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2604094 09/04/15 04:39 AM
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I truly believe this is the last straw for me and Im done. I cant deal with her indecisiveness and her fickle emotions anymore. She's just dragging me through the mud and I'm letting her.

So contrary to divorce papers, she and I started writing in this online journal together that only we have access to. She and I used to write in it when i was in afghanistan and it was just a nice way to share our thoughts with each other when we couldn't really communicate.

So we started writing in it again. and boy did she write some things.

- She wrote that she compares this guy to me all the time, and he's just not the same. That i just have a level of comfort and calmness that just wraps around her like a blanket
- That she thinks about being in a different place every day and not staying where she is, and that she thinks about coming here to TX
- That she wonders if me and her could work again, that it would be fun to be apart of the military life again.
- That we would both need to seriously forgive each other for things and really recommit to each other for it to work
- She even wrote that she and this guy had a huge fight this past sunday and she told him she would get her own place and she was moving out and would let him know what her plans were once she found a place.
--------

That was last week. Now this week, its different. she doesnt nearly write as much in the journal, if at all. and she went back and deleted every entry she wrote about us potentially getting back together.

i dont [censored] get it. i feared this would happen. it always does. when we see each other, emotions surge and things are nice for a week. then she still stays where she is at and emotions die again. until we see each other again.

my counselor said the journal was good, that for the first time in a year she's expressing her true emotions to me over an indirect, non-confrontational forum. that she's talking about unhappiness with this person and even threatened to leave.

yet she makes no movement to do so (granted this was sunday), and actually deleted everything she wrote. does she not understand that when she writes this stuff i actually read it and take it to heart? that this journal is an honest way to share?

I'm tired of having my emotions dragged through the mud. i thought the journal was good too. until now. because now its just more...of an emotional roller coaster as she deals with her own emotions. and i just get pulled in even more for the ride.

im seriously about to just sign the divorce papers, tell her i love you but this is your choice and I'm not about to keep getting dragged through this roller coaster, and i wish you nothing but the best. i want to do this. but i don't know if i can

Last edited by TLEE86; 09/04/15 04:40 AM.

ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
TLEE86 #2604141 09/04/15 12:16 PM
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T, do you "get" that she is addicted? Your posts seem to indicate that you expect her to act rationally. Although she may have started seeing some cracks in OM armor, she's still addicted.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2604150 09/04/15 12:46 PM
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Sorry, TLEE. I still think throwing in the towel for real IS your DB route on this one. I hurt for you. Thinking of you, and you DO sound stronger!


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Zelda09 #2604200 09/04/15 03:23 PM
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Sandi- what would your advice be then. Sign the papers? Were essentially NC as far as talking on the phone. We don't share anything anymore. The only thing we do is write in this journal. At least she did until a couple days ago. Im frustrated to the point where I want to throw in the towel but thats not what i really feel like doing.

Z- Im not sure. I lean towards that but I'm not positive I'm ready to do that. I don't know.


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
TLEE86 #2604306 09/04/15 10:58 PM
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Tlee, your emotions are high and that's never a good time to make decisions.

Take some time to reflect and see how you feel in a few days. Don't bottle anything up though, post it here as you've just been doing and it'll help in clearing your thoughts and making decisions that you believe in, rather than being a reaction to something that's happened, even if it is quite sh1tty.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2604315 09/05/15 12:13 AM
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Sounds to me like your WW was having trouble with OM when she wrote those entries about possibly getting back together with you. I think it's common for a WW in that situation. Mine does the same sort of stuff. Any time she's having a fight with OM or things not going well, she starts posting quotes on FB talking about what could have been, etc. She sometimes likes to put pictures out there of us as a family. But it never lasts, since they make up in a day or two, then it's back to lights out. The level and frequency of their arguments is so intense that I'm sure it won't last. They've only been together a few months; I don't think the two of us even had an argument for over a year after we started dating.

These A relationships are obviously toxic, and will die a slow, painful death, but the question becomes, how long do you wait, and what will WW do after? Just because it ends with OM doesn't mean the path is clear for R. WW may move to yet another OM, or just decide to be single for a while. Or even if she does want to work on your M, is she willing to do the hard work on herself to make lasting changes? Finally, do you think you can honestly forgive her and eventually trust her again? Only you can say when you have reached your own personal limit and are ready to move on. I would say to take your time, don't cave to pressure from friends and family, and make sure you are ready.

It's a difficult decision, but one we will all face at some point. Know that you are not alone and we are all pulling for you to have a happy life, regardless of what you decide.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
dwh15 #2604317 09/05/15 12:29 AM
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I'm having trouble seeing how this journal is anything but hurtful to you both. I have no idea what you're writing, but in my mind it's all just words. Words typed into a screen are EASY but they are IMPACTFUL. It's easy for her to say "I miss you" but what she may be thinking and how you read it can be so different. All it does is give you another avenue to get hurt.

I think you've really got to drop contact and let her live her life so you can live yours. You can love her from afar, but until she's ready to ACT, all the interactions are going to do is cause you unneeded pain.

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