Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road

[jim0987]

link to last thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2571971#Post2571971

so cadet gave me the gentle 100 post nudge that it was time to start a new thread. (BTW Cadet - Thank you for all you do on here)

The last thread lasted nearly 3 months which is a long way from the 3-4 days when i first got here.

as always thanks to everyone who reads this and offers support wherever its on the forum. Particularly thank you to the loyal band of folks who have stuck with me for so long.

Quick stock take of where i am:
BD was nearly a year ago and my XW has been unwavering since in that she had to leave because of how 'awful i was to live with'

Some of her criticism was fair, some not, a lot was to do with my reactions and insecurities (read NMMNG or WAFV,MAFM and you'll get a good description). I've been seeing an IC regularly in part to process the grief and in part to explore some of my attitudes and beliefs about myself. Although I can see where a lot of it was due to the dynamic, my parts were wrong and I never want to repeat that.

throughout there has been OM1 on the scene, XW and he are now living together and he gets on well with my kids. They like him and talk about him. XW seem happier now than she has done in years.

Communication between us is almost purely functional and some aspects still grate a little - I sorted out an inaccurate childcare bill which saved us both money and she didnt even acknowledge it for example.

As for me, well im fitter than i've been in years. Im probably more relaxed than i have been in years - Im certainly better rested than i have been since the kids were born. I'm working on social GAL but need to improve this a bit and i'm doing a better job of connecting with my family.

I have asked XW if I can meet OM. I said that D4 had said something, she asked if its a problem to which i said 'of course not, its your life. Congratulations'.

I explained that i wanted to meet him as he has such a big involvement in the kids life and I would prefer the first time i see him isn't in front of them. She questioned this and got a bit defensive until I asked her to imagine if it was the other way round.

There was slightly more conversation where her face lit up as she talked about OM with S2. I said something like 'he seems good with the kids and they seem to like him, and he makes you happy. which is all good. I'm glad it worked out as you wanted it to'

I will probably file for divorce in the near future, although i was going to wait to the 2 year mark (due to UK law) i increasingly feel like I want it done so I can properly move on with my life.

I love her, always will, but its time for me to be done with this and commit fully to the second best scenario because from here what i thought was the best looks pretty Cr@ppy.

have a good evening folks

[rd500]

Hi Jm. As always you did fantastic and your maturity is to be admired. Your doing the best you can in very difficult circumstances

The GAL will come when it's ready. What do you like to do ? Anything you want try ?

If your moving on what does that look like in your minds eye

Take care mate. Your doing great. Rd

[Sotto]

Hey neighbour! I agree with RD that you are doing so well, and I think you are handling the sitch WRT OM with maturity and compassion. I applaud you because that is not easy by any means.

I know what you are saying about your W seeming happier than she has in years. But I still say - you know the stats when it comes to A's becoming successful R's long term. Your W and OM would be in a minority group for sure if that happens.

I understand what you say about feeling it may be time to file. You're from my cohort Jim, and for many of us that time has arrived in different ways. It is such a personal thing and there is no right answer - only when the time feels right for you.

I'm glad you are continuing with the IC, and I know the GAL plans will come together too. It takes gentle persistence I think, and extending yourself just a little further. Please always remember how very far you have come already and that who you become as a result of these difficult times is the most important thing here.

I can tell you one thing Jim. If you and your W don't reconcile, some other lucky lady is going to think she has won the lottery at some point in the future. She doesn't know who she is yet - but she's out there somewhere. All will unfold in time.

Take care my friend xx

[Dawn70]

I think we all just follow Sotto (Toots) around and agree with her, but she is so dead-on right all the time. I'm so glad you are doing IC and you seem to be really dealing with everything to take care of yourself.

Sotto is right...if you and W don't reconcile, some super lucky lady is waiting out there for you somewhere and you will both be abundantly blessed when you find each other.

Continued prayers and positive thoughts for you, my friend.

[jim0987]

Hi all.

Just posting some movement in my situation. My XW sent me a text this evening saying she has filed for D citing my unreasonable behaviour.

I've asked her to consider divorce on the grounds of her relationship with OM1. She refused saying he had nothing to do with it and that happened after we broke up.

I sent this as a response, but haven't had and don't expect any kind of response from her.

Whilst I will never know the details, nor do I wish to, it is simply untrue to say that. We both know that OM1, and your pursuit of OM1 played a significant part in both the timing of our break up and your refusal to work on fixing our marriage.

I will never deny you were unhappy, nor will I deny that I could have been a much better husband, because if nothing else I have been taught valuable lessons over the last year. Including how normal and resolvable our problems were.

Whilst I'm obviously disappointed by how things turned out, I have never tried to stand in the way of your happiness, and will not start now.

I would be grateful if you would reconsider my request to use different grounds but can understand why you would prefer not.

When the papers come I will submit a statement saying that I don't accept her grounds but due to her ongoing relationship with OM1 I have no wish to contest the divorce. This was the strategy I agreed with my solicitor back at Christmas time.

Anyway they (XW and OM1) are now off on a family holiday with the kids for a week so I won't get to see or speak to them for another 9 days.

[Vanilla]

I am just following in everyone else's steps and agreeing.

If L gives you that strategy then it's the best you have.


((((((Hugs))))))

V

[Sotto]

Hey Jim, I'm sorry to hear that. I think your reply to your W was fine, and I think your strategy is a sensible one. Yes, there is no need to accept the grounds as such - and no need to contest them either. My L told me that the avenue of contesting is a costly one and why go there.

It would be best if your W were able to be more collaborative and 'agree' the unreasonable behavior grounds. But she may well not be in that place just now. In my case I received a draft and we would have been able to comment on the wording if I so wished. I'm not sure if that is routine or whether it is because we both have collaborative L's. In any case, I was grateful for that and it has spared me some further hurt.

One good thing about this for you Jim, is that you don't have to make a decision about filing for D. It has been done for you, and in my sitch I have found some peace in that.

I hope that your W will get to a place where she owns her part in the demise of your M, and your relationship mellows. But that may not happen soon and one thing I have learned is that the main thing here is who you are becoming/have become as a result of this difficult time. That is the determining factor in how rich and full your life will be going forwards.

Just a thought - but did you ever have a look at the Divorce Recovery Workshops at all? There are a number of groups in the Midlands. Plus there's a weekend workshop in early November? It could be support and GAL rolled into one perhaps?

Do you have the kids this weekend Jim? Or some nice GAL plans?? I'm sending a big hug to you my friend....your wisdom and gentle challenges have helped me a great deal on this forum.

(((((((((((((((Jim)))))))))))) xx

[rd500]

Hi Jim. Sorry to hear this turn of events but I have a couple of thoughts

Your text was great , controlled , short and to the point. Your W is moving on in her mind and you are still the cause of all her woes. We have all seen that a person can only be happy if they are happy with themselves first. It appears your W is trying to find happiness throigh someone else and that is a recipe for failure

Your stance on the D is perfect while keeping true to yourself.

It's said often Jim but D is only a piece of paper and none of us know what the future holds.

I hope you have plans this weekend and you can keep busy. If you don't mind could you update us on your thoughts a bit more often for a few days if that's ok

It's a tough time Jim and with the kids gone it doesn't make it easier.

Take care mate. Rd

[Sotto]

Jim, I'm sorry I skipped the bit about the kids being away. Need to slow down with my reading there...Yes as RD said. Do keep posting and we'll keep an eye on the forum and be there with you in coming days.

Take care xx

[Vanilla]

((((((Hugs- very very big ones))))))


V