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Sotto #2600623 08/22/15 07:55 PM
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RysinMn Offline OP
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Sotto,
Thanks for the advice and after cooling down I realize it's best to just let it be. There is no sight of R even on my end anymore, and I just need to let it go. It just bothered me that she would be willing to paint me as such a cheap, unfaithful person after all this time. Just kinda hurts. Because even though, she did what she did I believed she was still a good person inside. But this action makes me feel like she is now an apple with a rotten core. And I hate feeling that way, even telling myself, that people in her position, always tend to cling to anything they can to justify their actions. And I know it has no real impact on me, but it still hurts all the same. She was always a wonderful, kind person. But thanks everyone for being there for me, I was stressed out.


RysingMan

Me:31 W:29
T:8 M:4
D bomb: 10/2014
S 1/2015
RysinMn #2600627 08/22/15 08:11 PM
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Hi Rysin, I don't think she is an apple with a rotten core. What I think is that she may be struggling with the stigma and the shame of having had an A, with having to tell her parents that. Also, I think with your W there was a fear of a possible betrayal from you. And it sounded to me that, at times, she had almost convinced herself that you had been intimate with other(s) even though it wasnt the case.

I think you are right in that she may be clinging to this to justify her actions. Whilst it's hard, if you can find compassion within yourself I think that is the best thing. Where she is, isn't a nice place to be.

I'm not saying what she is doing is right of course - but just trying to offer another perspective on it.

Take care, and have a good weekend x

Last edited by Sotto; 08/22/15 08:12 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2600631 08/22/15 08:42 PM
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RysinMn Offline OP
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Sotto,
Sure will and thank you for the nice taste of perspective. No one is without flaws or fault. I know she is going through a very rough time right now. Coming to terms with everything that has happened, and I know it's hard for her as well. I just gotta breathe relax and remember to always hunt the good stuff!


RysingMan

Me:31 W:29
T:8 M:4
D bomb: 10/2014
S 1/2015
RysinMn #2600665 08/22/15 11:11 PM
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Wow! Hearing what W says about you do you really want to continue to communicate with her anymore? Would you have any kind of communication with someone else that does that? Actions have consequences. But that's up to you.


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
mvgfwd2 #2600730 08/23/15 07:01 AM
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Sotto is probably dead on. I know my H said he looked for anything to justify what he did to smother his feelings of guilt. He had one divorcing friend who he could basically trash me to that would validate his behavior. Sounds like it could be the same type of situation. Mom won't condemn her actions & pacifies/validates her justification. This helps her push her guilt down. You've done really great throughout your sitch, this doesn't define who you were or are. Somewhere inside your W is the girl you loved, right now that girl is being possessed by a monster of her own making. She's not rotten, just lost in fantasyland. Keep moving forward, there is so much more out there just waiting for you.


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Clairee #2600911 08/23/15 09:40 PM
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RysinMn Offline OP
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Thank you everyone for the input. I have decided to, keep all contact to the most important stuff. No more chit chat. I was worried about coming off mean, but the more I think about the sitch, I'm just inviting her to continue this trend and feel it's ok doing what she's doing because I'm still there for her when she wants to be buddy buddy with me. Well that ends today. Thank you all again.


RysingMan

Me:31 W:29
T:8 M:4
D bomb: 10/2014
S 1/2015
RysinMn #2601061 08/24/15 01:27 PM
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Look forward, be relentless! (my motto)

A favorite quote from Calvin Coolidge

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent."


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
mvgfwd2 #2601083 08/24/15 02:27 PM
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Rys

Best thing I did was going NC apart from Daughter stuff and financials.

You've moved on, she can see that.....tough sh1t , she made her choice.

you have no children and any divorce stuff should be handled by your lawyer.
To me its just more image control...."oh look, me and rys aren't together anymore, its his fault but we're still friends, everyone move on there's nothing to see here" absolute bullsh1t.

You've come a million miles from where you were, don't look back now.

NC all the way....there's an amazing future in front of you....you don't need people who treat you like she did in it


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Ontheup #2601653 08/26/15 03:05 AM
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RysinMn Offline OP
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Thanks ontheup,
I have decided I want to address the matter of all the small talk she tries to do with me. It's a constant barrage of questions like, hey there what are you planning on exploring today, what did you eat today, how are you liking it, and I mean the list goes on and it's only during the work time and weekdays. I do not want to just ignore the texts. I actually want to express that she is in a relationship with another man and even though I am being nice to her we are not friends. I do not want to hear from her unless it has to do with the dogs. But HOW do I express this without putting a rift between us and turning this thing from cordial to what I fear it will become. Please any ideas are greatly appreciated.


RysingMan

Me:31 W:29
T:8 M:4
D bomb: 10/2014
S 1/2015
RysinMn #2601685 08/26/15 06:43 AM
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Hi Rysin, well I guess given the geographical distance - you could just completely ignore. Or maybe you could tell her that this regular TMing it isn't working for you. She's in a R with someone else and given all that has passed, you and she are not 'friends.' Of course if there is anything to do with the dogs, she's welcome to get in touch. Equally, might you suggest moving comms over to email.....so it's less instant when she contacts?

I agree that you need to do something as she's behaving like W or BF, when she's in a R with OM. I can see why that wouldn't work for you.

I'm no vet of course, but just throwing a few things out there. Hopefully someone more experienced will stop by too... smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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