Oh wow. Zelda, V, and G...I am so grateful for your support. I needed to hear just that Z! My IC pretty much said they same thing this morning, and reading your post just made it easier to shift my mindset in a way that will allow me to move forward.
Today at IC I was talking about all of my frustrations of the past week. My therapist pointed out that H was starting to set the traps again, like he did right before he had me removed from the house. And she believes it is because he is again feeling a loss of control. And that makes sense. Because the financials need to be dealt with and he has been putting it off. He knows he is going to have to pay up. If he can get me to react emotionally he will have ammo. That ridiculous statement about how I shouldn't be talking about L's or the house in front of the kids is his way of showing his teeth. And it is intimidating, But on closer look I see there is no substance to it. Tthe kids were in the car. It wasn't a hostile comment and it didn't involve them at all. He just needed to make it something to use against me.
He can't hurt me anymore--and we both know that things have gotten to the point in this mess where he has to start losing. I have to recognize his abuse as a sign that the tide is changing, rather than as a threat.
I had a week full of GALs which is nice. Last night I went out with someone I met during a meetup event for drinks and football. We had a great time. Tonight I am going to a meetup event for dinner and comedy at a restaurant I've been dying to try for years. I'm trying. That's all I can do right now.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Think snarling dog in the corner. Be kind to it, but be above it dear Mustard.
Happy for your GAL. It is good stuff to anchor perspective, right? Hugs.
That is a good image to keep in mind. Thanks.
I had a fun GAL last night with the meetup group. The food was fantastic, the music was great, and the comedy was funny. The headliner hit on me at the end of the show which started out flattering, then got embarrassing. One of the women with my group was wonderfully assertive and told him I wasn't ready to date, after I told him I am still married a number of times. He still tried to give me his number after, but I took that as my cue to leave. I need to learn to be assertive like that woman. One good thing about being S is that I can use the "I'm married" line at my convenience. But it still doesn't always work.
I wonder what it is that changes in a person that shows the world they are available. I would say the lack of a wedding ring is a clue, but I haven't worn a wedding ring for most of my marriage because I lost it 10 years ago. And my engagement ring broke 2 years before my marriage fell apart. Yet, I never was approached by men. Now it happens a lot. Maybe I have some sort of look of freedom now?
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Expect your WH to start manipulations and the 100% rule applies in spades in his case.
I made " I will not be abused" turn into "I am free, the captain and master of my destiny"
When you are ready, absolutely ready, probably the next spell break, you will no longer validate WH belief you will say " I beg your pardon, the kids are in the car" or " I am sure it is someone else that said that"
I have thought for a while your WH is afraid of facing the consequences and he will try every trick to avoid it.
That day is coming Msd.
As for me I decided that I wanted to be the breeze block, I wanted to be completely totally unattractive as a target to my WH. Be very safe, this is a very dangerous time in abused Rs. Breeze Block is my own version of grey stone, I urge you to google the phrase grey rock abuse technique. ://narcissistsupport.com/going-gray-rock/
I have always thought your WH has a similar streak to mine. I am very careful.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/20/1505:17 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Mustardseed! Last month you reached out to warn me. I want you to know how much I appreciate that. Sadly, it turns out you were correct. His venom literally caused me to have a breakdown. I spent the weekend under suicide watch.
Moving on, once I started thinking clearly again, I remembered your thread and kindness. Knowing that I wasn't alone in this nightmare has been more of a comfort than you can ever know. I resisted the truth for a very long time, thinking I was somehow going to save H from himself. After all that has transpired, I realize he doesn't want help, and I need to be worrying about ME.
I just want to thank you again. Reading through your thread now with the new eyes, I see so many similarities. This hurts, to know I was so blind. I want it not to be true, but know absolutely it is. How did you deal with things right after your H really showed his ugliness?
Hi Mustardseed! Last month you reached out to warn me. I want you to know how much I appreciate that. Sadly, it turns out you were correct. His venom literally caused me to have a breakdown. I spent the weekend under suicide watch.
Moving on, once I started thinking clearly again, I remembered your thread and kindness. Knowing that I wasn't alone in this nightmare has been more of a comfort than you can ever know. I resisted the truth for a very long time, thinking I was somehow going to save H from himself. After all that has transpired, I realize he doesn't want help, and I need to be worrying about ME.
I just want to thank you again. Reading through your thread now with the new eyes, I see so many similarities. This hurts, to know I was so blind. I want it not to be true, but know absolutely it is. How did you deal with things right after your H really showed his ugliness?
I just got through catching up on your sitch. First HUGS.... Living with someone like our H is truly crazy-making. They are good at their game. My I had a few breakdowns that all gave H leverage in his chess match. His checkmate happened when I really wasn't doing anything wrong at all. He played the entire game with the guise of being the "good guy"--The first OOP was limited--this one was after I confronted him while he was on the phone with OW, and when I tried to take the phone from him I ended up accidentally scratching him. In his report he stated that the scratch was an accident, but he made sure to use words like "harassing" in the report. Confronting a cheating husband is apparently harassment. He told me that they asked him if I needed to be removed and he said he would NEVER do that--he's not THAT guy (gag). The second OOP came as result of the fact that I didn't go to bed when he told me to. He sleeps in the couch, so me being in the living room when he wanted to go to bed was "harassment". I think the fact that the second incident was so ridiculous that even I--who had gotten so used to taking responsibility for EVERYTHING all of the time couldn't find a way to blame myself for was what really made me understand that V was right all along. Did I make mistakes--sure, but I didn't cause THIS. I am NOT TO BLAME. And neither are you.
WE ALL make mistakes. Calculating, manipulative people like our Hs are very good at using the mistakes of others' to deflect blame. They choose people who are used taking that responsibility--because it makes it so much easier to be awful but always look like the good guy. Good riddance. We are better off without them.
So what do you do now? You learn to let go. You learn to just trust that God (or whatever higher power you believe in) will take care of him. You are free now. He is not your responsibility. I am the kind of person that either reacts or forgives immediately. I am working on this with my IC right now. I am learning to feel angry. "BE ANGRY BUT SIN NOT". This is the verse I keep focusing on. And to do that, it means I have to be patient. I can feel anger, but I don't have to do anything about it--because that will only feel good for the moment. I will either feel remorse for reacting, or regret for permitting someone to treat me badly. I don't have to DO ANYTHING. Anger is a signal that boundaries are being crossed. It is useful. But in order to deal with it appropriately we need to take a step back and reassess.
Right now, my dear Ancaire, you need to just breathe. Stay present. You discovered the beast you have been living with. He has been working his magic to turn you. You realize what is happening now. But, you are not able to deal with it yet. He's been playing this game for a long time, and you are just learning about it now. You won't win if you try to go up against him, so all you can do is STOP PLAYING. Go DARK....Talk to you L. I know that it is nauseatingly expensive (but chances are your H will be responsible for part of your legal fees at the end of it all since you have been SAHM for a long time). Whenever I feel the need to react to a trap my H sent, I type out what I want to say but I don't send it. Instead I email my L ($100 for sanity) tell him what happened, what my instincts are, and ask for advice. I wait to hear back before I do anything--which usually takes a few hours at the very least and that time usually provides enough buffer for me to clear my head.
To save some $$$ post things here instead. It is much cheaper. I have been using my L because I know that the courtroom is the only realm where I have a chance in hell of getting justice with this man. So it is my way of throwing up punch and making contact, while still being NC.
Last edited by mustardseed; 10/22/1505:01 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
It's funny you brought up L, because when H showed up to work this morning, first question was if I'd hired L yet. I just said no, and left it at that.
I believe he's getting ready to start pressure again.
I saw a flash of the old H last week and it had my eyes watering. We were in the ER with S14 for a thumb injury. It felt like old times and I felt a rush of love sweep over me. We made eye contact and his eyes were soft and sweet. His eyes teared up when mine did, and for a moment I thought--MAYBE. The kids were his that night, and I had a date planned for later that night. I ended up taking S to the ER because it happened during a game that H was coaching. This was the first time on school campus that H had treated me like a human being. OW wasn't around so I guess he didn't have to keep up the act that I was an evil, unpredictable wench. And then later in the hospital I felt like we had a moment.
I ended up canceling the date. I told the guy I would still meet him out later, but he suggested maybe we should have a night in instead of going out since it was late--I told him I wasn't ready for that so we will have to make it another time. And I realized, how can I go on a date with someone after feeling that love for the man I married.
I couldn't believe how easy it was for me to feel love for him again. That fast. And I went home and sang some sad karaoke songs. And had a beer. And decided, maybe friendship could work. Maybe there is still hope.
Then the next day there was a night football game event for the high school. It was my night with the kids so they went with friends and I met them there. H was coaching. Of course, as always, OW ends up being the first person I see as we are walking from the parking lot at the same time. UGH. But it was a big crowded event, and she stood right behind H at the fence, and I went to the other set of bleachers--so that wasn't a huge deal.
Anyway, when I met up with D12, she was wearing H's sweatshirt, but I brought her a coat. She gave me the sweatshirt and I put it in my car. the kids went off with their friends and I sat with some of my friends. I saw H on the sidelines shivering so I texted that I had his sweatshirt in the car. I saw him check the phone, then the old familiar rage flash over him. He walked off the field in the middle of a quarter. He came back with a hat and gloves and then sent me a text saying to keep it until he next has the kids. I guess he didn't want to risk OW seeing us being civil.
Of course, on Monday I found out from my L that both Ls had a preliminary conference and H was ordered to start giving me money. His L told mine that he mailed out two checks the next day. I just received them yesterday. So the rage also could have been that he is starting to lose. Anyway, seeing both sides of the coin in a matter of 24 hours was a harsh reminder that this man is very good a compartmentalizing. He can be who he thinks he needs to be given the situation. I'm sure even the tears in his eyes at the hospital as we made eye contact, was mirroring--rather than any real emotion.
He hates that his worlds are colliding. It has always been a problem he has had with our marriage. The fact that I was friends with his cousins before we met. The fact that we lived where he worked and where our kids went to school. It is very difficult for a man who needs to keep all of the aspects of his lives separate. It was enough to make him self-destruct--which of course was somehow all my fault.
I like seeing him from this safe distance. I feel like I am getting smarter. Less naive. I am learning to take my time while dealing with things. I am not forcing things to happen. I am letting go. In many different areas of my life. I think I am going to be a much more complete and fulfilled person at the end of this. I am learning that just because I want something, doesn't mean I have to settle for the first something I am shown. I can be patient and let things unfold. It isn't easy, but it is possible. And I am starting to see the benefit in doing so.
I am also learning that I don't have to be an open book at all times. I know that I have nothing to hide, and I try to live my life in a way where I won't be ashamed of anything that gets uncovered, but that doesn't mean that I owe anyone my story. I am learning to be private.
Last edited by mustardseed; 10/22/1505:27 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I understand the confusion. I just had a conversation with my mother in which H was referred to in terms of old H and new H. We don't much like the new version. Remembering the old one hurts so much, it's hard to breathe.
