Thanks for the sound advice G. Part of me is tempted to have a chat with him. I am still searching for confirmation that I am not crazy. And I do want to do know details. I know everyone says it's better not to know, but not for me. I need holes filled. I like the complete story. I have to understand why, and without all of the information I am just left wondering. This is the part that I know I am supposed to let go, but it is so hard for me. And I'm not ashamed to talk about it. I'm more ashamed to talk about my job loss. That get's my anxiety going--and I put that behind me already so I don't like it brought up anymore. But the marital situation situation, I want to talk about it--almost obsessively, because I want to get to the point where it all finally makes sense and I can move on.
It really is so hard to put it all behind me when it is in my face all of the time. H is so frustrating, and he is hiding behind the kids. The kids' therapist sent an email to us today saying how we need to be careful of letting our emotions show through in front of them. He is stoic--intimidating at times, but stoic. So that was totally directed at me. And I try, but it is harder for me because I'm not a robot like him. And he is purposefully trying to frustrate me, then hiding behind the kids so that he never has to deal with anything. He does whatever he pleases--like refusing to bring the dog to me. And if I say anything about it then that is me causing a scene in front of the kids. And then I get defensive and that is when the emotions start to show--not obvious emotions, but slight changes in pitch in my voice. Maybe a waver in my voice as the tears start to build--And I'm sure a cloud of defeat as I am once again cut off from expressing myself. The frustration and the intimidation are the two aspects that I have difficulty hiding. S is a very sensitive and empathetic kid and picks up on all the subtleties.
If I text or email him about it, he ignores or drops hints that I am violating the order or harassing him. So the all I know how to do is to cower and cave and let him run the show. Because God forbid I challenge anything he does. I really have no idea how to set boundaries. And I feel like every time I try to be assertive and strong, he finds a way to cut it off. Maybe I need to ask the therapist what she means by what she wrote. Because I read it as I have to always be OK with everything he does for the sake of the kids, and that just seems so wrong. Shouldn't they start seeing me standing up? What if he starts doing this to them? Shouldn't they start to learn that they don't have to take it?
I am going to have to bring this up to my therapist as well, because I am so confused now.
Last edited by mustardseed; 10/10/1501:10 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I understand part of the wanting to know, how much you need to know for your peace of mind is up to you.
For me I needed confirmation that I wasn't crazed and that xh2 regardless of what he said was actually cheating with ow pa then I could drop the rope completely.
I needed to know some of the coincidentally on purpose happenings were on his head not mine. That xh2 was pursiting the ow.
His motives might not be what you think tho. He might get information to confront his w, this might bite you.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
GGrass you are so right. It is best that I don't involve myself OWs mess. She got herself way too involved in mine, and I am a better person than she.
I know that I will probably never know enough to satisfy my need to know. I am someone who loves a good story, I need all of my characters fleshed out. I need all the back story. I need to get the motives. I think I expect life to be as well written as a good novel. And I think I am starting to accept that isn't the case. Some characters just don't have the depth that validate their actions satisfactorily. I always need to find the good--the part of a person that allows me to accept their bad behavior because of the situations that they had to endure leading up to those actions. And I am realizing, that isn't in my best interest. Some people just suck. There isn't much more to them then their suckiness.
I am having a really tough time these past few days. I realized today that it might be because this weekend is the 2nd anniversary of first BD. Those memory emotions come back even before we realize. I also realize that while I need to learn to set boundaries, I am still too focused on holding H accountable. And that, too, isn't my job.
Yesterday he sent me a long email about all of these work obligations he has coming up that requires us to change the parenting schedule. ANd it angered me, because why do I still need to accommodate his schedule when I am not longer his wife? He wants 50/50 parenting, doesn't that include having to figure out your schedule on your own? I decided to just forward the email to my lawyer. That way it kept me from emotionally responding in a way I might regret. Or being the timid mouse and accommodating his needs and then resenting that I still bow to his beck and call.
On top of it, one of the dates that he will be "out of town for work" is supposed to be our next court date. If that date gets moved again I am going to flip out, because I need this order of protection removed. It's been pushed off for far too long. That particular trip is also the trip, where last year, he and OW made a spectacle of themselves in front of S14. This year D12 will be on that trip. Bad feelings are brewing around all of this, and that email felt like twisting of the knife. It really felt like he is saying--"see, I can still do all of the things you don't want me to do, and the one place where you feel you have a voice--in court--I am going to keep playing around with."
I can't act as if around him right now. I am feeling too bitter. I know I need to stop and start shining again. But I am so bitter. I hate that he is getting away with being so awful, and I am the one left picking up the pieces. He is a sad, lost man, but he isn't showing that side right now, and I want to see it. I want to know it is happening. That he is hurting as a result of his actions. And I know that is the part that I need to let go of, because all it is doing is keeping my focus on him instead of me.
I also think I am too impatient. I want fast results. But my lawyer has some promising ideas. And If I can just wait it out, let my lawyer do his magic, I might start to feel the tides shift in my favor again soon. Maybe once that starts to happen, I can let go a bit easier. I am very much in "NOT FAIR!!" mode right now.
I can't even believe how much I hate this man who was the love of my life. How does that happen? People are supposed to be forever.
Last edited by mustardseed; 10/12/1503:21 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I can so, so, so, relate to your wanting answers. I swam in depression for most of this year, trying to figure out why the puzzle just wouldn't resolve itself, why it couldn't make a nice kind of cohesive sense. How could it all be? What is going on? Right?
Not every sitch is the same, but what I can tell you from being on the other side of mine, is that it truly doesn't matter, the answers aren't there and even if they were, it wouldn't change anything.
My friends would listen to me, bless them...and some of them would give me a nice 2x4 and say, but does it matter? Man that question was irritating. YES, IT MATTERS, I wanted to scream back.
But then one day in my divorce care group, I heard a new friend going on ad nauseum, and it was like, "Dude. It doesn't matter. He isn't into you anymore, he's treated you like chit, thrown you across a room...what does it matter he wore the shirt you gave him last year for the anniversary? Perspective. Doesn't matter."
But here's why it really doesn't matter - information isn't power or a salve for the wounds. It doesn't change the present, or your experience. Information and *answers we seek don't change what happened or give us ability to deal with anything any better. I got some of the answers I was after by finding his online accounts...still more questions. And heartbreak.
Eventually the puzzle will resolve itself, I promise. And the less you allow mind-effery, the sooner it happens. Know those days where you would do anything to stop hurting? And to stop thinking? So you think if you just can reason it out, that will satiate the mind and allow healing? And the more you try to stop, you can't? I remember, Mustard. I know it's hell.
The real healing, for me, was finally realizing I was looking to an irrational messed up man for rational sense. Wasn't gonna happen. He had none to give me. But he sure could make me feel like I was everything that was wrong with us the more we 'talked.'
When I read your posts...I don't see a partner, STBX that is doing anything kind here. The fact that he causes you to feel like cowering, as you put it...how long has this power dynamic going on?
What gave me peace and happiness again - Being NC long enough that the emotions died down enough to let reality shine through. To let the chemical addiction of love and a 'please pick me up again and make it all better' kind of addiction, to let all that subside. I can imagine how hard that is with kids. And to re-read my journal enough that I finally HEARD myself, how I felt around him, and quit putting so much importance on a man that wasn't worth half of me. When I said no to invitations for more confusion and twisting from him - that healed. It felt so empowering not to be a little puppet on his string any more, and the confidence grew into self respect.
Self respect grew into the ability one day to truly rise up inside, around the time of the divorce, and I knew I didn't care anymore what he thought, what caused our M to sour, why he was abusive, when he'd cheated, why, why, why...I just didn't care. I knew I could be a better listener and less judgmental about some things, so I owned that, but not to the extent I cared about him anymore. Because I'd started loving me again and seeing him as ridiculous angry child he was. The puzzle started resolving when I looked at me, and not wondered after him.
The answers are within you, Mustard. I promise. Stay central to your experience, the feels, honor yourself, find that supreme wise voice inside of you and let it speak and comfort and give peace.
I am not advocating for D, and I admire your cool. I'd certainly want to vomit being in some of the situations you describe! But I am advocating for you to move to a place internally (not just externally) of giving no f***s and putting your self so high that it truly "doesn't matter." If he gets inspired to get his act together, than he does and will because you've moved on to that degree, deeply. If you feel like cowering and backing down, he still has power over you and I'd bet anything he can sense it.
Shake him off, girl.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
