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If you already have an active divorce action, then the pace with which it moves forward -- and who's moving it -- I don't think would constitute any sort of a "bold" move. Besides, as we noted above such legal moves should NOT be done as a mere tactic or even as a sole strategy -- it should only be done if you truly ARE done, and can no longer abide the unrepentant infidelity in your marriage.

What does your DB coach say?

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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He says it's ok to move at my pace. Only filed for the separation because H wouldn't end the A or leave the house. Morally and emotionally I couldn't live that way. H filed for D. Forcing him out was my bold move. I think all it did was move us to D quicker.

I believe OW recently moved from a other state here so maybe reality won't be so good.

Last edited by beckyb; 09/14/15 02:07 PM.

Me53
H48
M 13
No children together
BDMay '15
PA June '15
H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing
Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
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shodan Offline OP
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Hi everyone

It has been a while since i posted. My wife did send the NC to the OM. He is blocked from her phone as well. My wife is seeing a therapist and frankly has turned back to her old self (for the most part). We have gone on date nights, walks and have planned a long weekend together without the kids over Columbus Day (she planned it). We are having fun but also talking about what happened, what lead our marriage down that path and what we are changing.

Now for the challenges...yesterday my W received a call from a friend in town who saw my picture on a dating site. When my W and I decided to D (before she came back asking to reconcile) I was on a dating site for maybe two weeks. Before my W and I decided to reconcile, I decided to get off of this site...regardless of where my relationship goes, I need to work on myself. When my W and I decided to reconcile, I told that I had been on these sites but that I had closed the accounts.

Unfortunately, her friend, who is divorced, saw my picture and just last night (one month later) decided to tell my W. Apparently, this woman's ex had cheated on her for a while and she never knew, so she did not want the same to happen to my W.

I was with my W when she got the call...she was very calm, feigned ignorance and just said all marriages have problems. When she got off of the call, she did not want to talk about it, but she had tears in her eyes. On one hand, I wanted to say "this is what happens when people have affairs, things get messy" but I did not say that. I assume that she is on one hand angry that this got out and also knows that she cannot really say anything to me b/c she had the affair. I asked my W what she was feeling but she continued to say she did not want to talk about it, but did wonder how many people know about this.

I told her that our road to recovery will have set backs and challenges The only way though the challenges is through it, not around it. We did not talk most of the night; in fact her behavior reminded me of when she was a WAW, so my heart and chest started hurting again. At night, instead of sleeping on me as she normally does, she slept on the other side of the bed. And this morning she left for an overnight business trip but avoided talking or being with me before she left.

I wrote all of this to get my thoughts on paper. Perhaps some of you have advice or a helpful viewpoint. I know that I did nothing wrong. I was on the site(s) for two weeks, connected with some women via chat but never saw or planned to see anyone. Even if I had, my W did say unequivocally that she wanted a divorce. We were meeting with lawyers and I was looking at apartments. And she did cheat on me. But, I also know that she probably is super embarrassed by this and never thought that anyone would find out.

I know that I cannot control her or her actions. I know that I need to lead her emotionally and show her the path to our marriage recovery. I assume all marriages in piecing struggle with set backs and perhaps issues such as this. I know that I need to just let it go and let her come back to me when she is ready to talk about it. But it is hard to go from a good amount of very positive interactions and feelings to the exact opposite.

Thank you for letting me vent


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
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Hi Shodan, it doesn't sound as though you did anything wrong and I was glad to read you had already told your W about the dating site and that you had closed the account.

But, I can see it must have been uncomfortable for your W and it is an example of a consequence of her actions coming home to roost I think.

As you say, you guys can talk it out. However, I think it is fair to let her know basically what you have posted and how you feel about it too. Yes, you may be sorry that she felt so uncomfortable - but I don't think you need to apologise for your actions.

She may want to let the friend know that you and she were going through a rough patch at the time.

Sorry, I'm not sure if this is much help. Hopefully someone will stop by with some more input for you. Best of luck with things and pleased to hear about the overall progress xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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shodan Offline OP
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Sotto, thanks for your kind words. I think my fear is that she will use this type of issue go the other direction and throw in the towel. But then again, if that is what she wants, I cannot stop that.

I am also mad at myself, not for getting on the sites but for letting her reaction to her friend telling her get to me. I am having the same feelings that I had when she was wayward. I got those under control by focusing on me and not her. But for the past few weeks, we have been focusing on us. She has been focusing on us. But I stop doing as much for myself, or at least mentally focusing on me. I need to stop worrying about what she thinks and just be the leader of this family. If she wants to come along for the ride, then she can make that decision.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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My wife returned from her business trip last night and was for the most part fun and pleasant. I sense a bit of a cloud over her, which could be from the withdrawal. I do continue to struggle withe PTSD related to the affair. Different things can cause me to get anxious and develop the pains in my chest. I feel like we are in a lull in our recovering/piecing, but I am sure that is normal.

Any advice from a vet or someone who has gone through this stage would be helpful. I assume a lull is normal. The road to recovery is a long and winding one, but it would be nice to hear from someone who can validate that.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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Posts: 5,301
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Hi Shodan, you may find it helpful to read Caliguy's thread in MLC. He and his W have been piecing for a number of months now and he regularly posts about how that is going.

xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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shodan Offline OP
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Thanks, this is great advice. I just read through his post.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Glad it was helpful to you. Cali always seems wise I think and I learn a lot from reading his threads. Relax and have a good weekend my friend smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Shodan. I read your thread here and saw your post on Cali's thread.

Something that seems it needs to be said. You do not seem to be fully engaged in YOU at this point. What you noted about not taking care of you as things were closer between the two of you, seems to be indicative of that.

It seems to me that the balance of control will be in her favor if you don't do the work on you. That's not a good thing for a leader of a family nor as her partner. The balance of power can't be uneven like that. What I saw was that her anger at what she heard caused her to withdraw and almost seemed like a punishment to you. I may be misreading that, but that's not a healthy way for things to be.

One of the things you may notice in Cali's thread is how he want from accepting of those unhealthy behaviors in the past to not accepting it. He teaches his spouse how to treat him and accepts no less. I think that makes him more attractive to her, because it's honest and forthright and strong in nature. It's not malicious, but firm in standing up for himself, what he believes and what he needs.

In long-term relationships, we as humans have a tendency to make compromises as a way to keep the "balance". After a while, those add up and we come to realize how unbalanced things have become. It almost feels like she is begging you to take a stronger stance for yourself. It doesn't happen overnight, but don't get to a point where you have twisted and bent so much you can't recognize yourself. You always have you with you wink

You might do well to re-read those areas and see if any of that applies to you and your situation.

Best of luck!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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