Update after a long time

[shodan]

Here is an update...this morning I logged into her phone and saw an email forwarded by the OM (her ex from college). He sent an email thread to her from Dec 2014. Nothing in his forward email, but the email thread from Dec 2014 was pretty detailed and "romantic", full of soulmate and I love you comments. I went to our room, told my wife that I had checked her phone as I said I would, and I saw the email. She said he must have sent it b/c he is blocked from her phone. I told her that she needs to send him a no contact letter, that we will both will approve. She agreed to do this. I told her that I would find a good template and we would sent it tonight.

I then asked what had spurred his email...there had to be some trigger. At first, she said that she had not seen him in months but then finally admitted that she has been seeing him again recently. He apparently is separated from his wife and moved in with his parents about 20 miles from our house. She had called him ~two weeks ago to break things off. I reiterated again why this needs to be done via letter/email, not on the phone, and that she is not to see him ever again.

But of course she became defensive again, said that I had "broken" into her phone, which is not something she would ever do. I told her that I checked her phone as we discussed that I would do and said that she has a lot to do to earn back my trust and if she has an issue with that, then we need to stop this process now because it will not work. Trust and honesty is the bed rock of all relationships. Without it, we have nothing.

so where are we...she left today saying that she wants to make our marriage work. I said that is good but there are parameters in which she needs to live and if she cannot do that, then I want no part of our marriage. We are at the beginning stages of potentially repairing our marriage. I cannot control her, only myself.

Thoughts/advice?

[Sotto]

Hi Shodan, wel she's not 'all in' from what you post. She's in contact with OM, she's being defensive, she's telling lies, being critical of you. For all of those reasons, I don't think you should be pressing ahead too far either. Why would you want a R on that basis?

Has she agreed to actually send a NC letter to OM? If she willingly does that, I think it is a step forward. I also think she needs to sign up to letting you know of any further contact - or maybe taking steps to forward anything else into a mutual box that you both have access to.

The thing that seemed to make a difference in your sitch was you being willing to be all done and look for appts etc. That seemed to shock her back in - but she sounds a way off - 'what will it take for us to repair this; I'll do anything....' And is anything less than that okay for you?

Hopefully a vet will stop by and give you some better advice than I can though....take care xx

[mvgfwd2]

A cease and desist letter from your lawyer signed by her. Make it formal and real. For me anything less is just keeping the keeping the light on.

[shodan]

This morning, I may have backtracked a bit. I woke up to find a text from the OM (I had checked her phone). I deleted the text but then told her about it since she told me that he was blocked. Clearly he was not. She told me she had to reboot her phone, so perhaps doing that undid the blocking.

I then asked when she was going to send the NC email. She said that she wants to do things her way and would rather let it "die on the vine". She said that I am pressuring her and pushing her away. I told her that I am not going to share her with anyone, so if she will not send the NC email, then I will move out and we can start the divorce process.

Of course, I would like to trust her and how she wants to proceed but how can I trust someone who cheated and lied. .I don't want to pressure her but then again, if she cannot send the NC email, (1) how can I trust her and (2) what does this mean about her feelings for the OM? To address #2, I know she fell in love with him and probably does not want to hurt him, but I have no sympathy for that. If she is serious about us, she should want to do this.

Ultimately, on one hand I know that I need to separate and move out. On the other hand, I want to be patient and let the repairing process work itself. Repairing a marriage takes a lot of time.

[shodan]

I would love some feedback from others if anyone has it. I am a bit torn to be honest. My wife is "trying" but she still is not obliging by my parameters. She needs to send the NC letter but would rather let it die on the vine. Am I crazy to think that this could work out without following the steps? Should I be patient and focus on me, being a leader, being a man? I know actions speak louder than words. OR should I move out b/c she has not done everything that I have asked? I am tempted to say "while I appreciate the changes you have made, seeing a therapist, giving me access to your phone and email, etc., this still does not work for me. I will be in a committed and honest relationship with or without you. At this point, I don't want to be in this relationship with you. I am moving out,..."

Any thoughts or advice?

[mvgfwd2]

My W had no problem sending the NC letter so I am unsure what the hang up is with your W. But mine was a very short lived EA so it didn't take as much to get her out of the fog. And she only sent it after the OM kept trying to contact her. He was blocked on the phone and FB and only I could see he was trying to make contact.

Have you had contact with the OM? Does he know you are aware of the A? At his next attempt to contact her maybe you respond to him from your phone that your wife's attorney will be sending him a cease and desist letter if he continues to try to contact her. And that all messages are forwarded to you (maybe a lie, but WTH it may work). I realize this is not DB type advice where your W is suppose to decide to do this. May let someone else weigh in on this strategy.

[blndsid]

Sho, I keep pulling for you man, but this screams of $uck. I like the no contact letter, better yet from her attorney, and if she won't do that it's a serious red flag. While we have attorneys brought up, suggest that the only way you'd feel comfortable moving forward is with a post-nup that basically lines up how the D decree will read should it come to that. It would lean in your favor of course, but if she's truly committed to fixing things, she should have no trouble with that concept. However, you can't get a no contact letter out of her, so the post-nup reaction is probably a foregone conclusion.

I called my XW's first AP, left him a firm but polite message that he would want to call me back and not mention it to my now XW. Oh, they freaked and she was pi$$ed. She wanted me to leave him out of it (Me!). DB1 was married with 2 daughters.

And realize there are apps designed to hide messages using the data feature instead of standard phone texts. Ask me how I know.

There's a saying about having your cake and eating it too. She only shows effort when she's losing cake. Right now she's eating cake and has Sho too.

You are not crazy. You laid out your boundaries honestly and now you want to stick to them. Good luck buddy. May the Starsky be with you.

[Starsky309]

Good luck buddy. May the Starsky be with you.

And also with you . . .

[Starsky309]

I would love some feedback from others if anyone has it. I am a bit torn to be honest. My wife is "trying" but she still is not obliging by my parameters. She needs to send the NC letter but would rather let it die on the vine. Am I crazy to think that this could work out without following the steps?

No, you're not crazy at all. All of us classic conflict-avoiders have that as our first instinct (I did!). We'd also be WRONG.

Yes, you should enforce your own core boundaries here. I think if you don't, you'll regret it. Besides, isn't it precisely that strong stance that has re-attracted her to you to begin with?

If it's "a" the right thing for you to do, and "b" simultaneously effective, isn't your course of action clear here?


Starsky

[Train]

^^^ Agreed.

Don't back down now, sho.