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Oh, and I was pretty pissed at the posters who convinced me to let my daughter go to her father's wedding. Pissed even after I let her go. But today, I thank them.

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Tad,

Why not ask your female friend from work to go with you to the reception as a plus+1 guest? That will show XW and OMH that they have zero power over you. And you will have someone familiar with you to take the edge off from your nerves.

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I like Wonka's idea, Tad. And who knows? You might have a great time, too! And that might lead to another!


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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Hi Tad, well it's good at least that the ceremony will be elsewhere. I like the idea of asking a +1 to come with you. If you are able to attend as a former spouse who has recovered from the D and is able to be in the same room as your XW, that's a good thing.

Though, I appreciate you may not feel this would be possible. And to me that says there may be more healing to do, and how can you continue on the healing journey?

I think you were making some good progress with the GAL - baby steps - but it sounds as though the whole 'wedding business' may have set you back (understandable.) But let's get back to the baby steps in GAL. What about that bowling league you were thinking about? And do you have any more ideas to get you out of the house in a way that feels manageable, pleasant and gently social?

Hope you have a good weekend Tad :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Quote:
I'm sorry you are not going to your son's wedding reception.


I may still go. Just can't stand the thought of going.

Quote:
Why not ask your female friend from work to go with you to the reception as a plus+1 guest?


I would love to, but she has told me that she doesn't "hang out" with friends at work more than once. I love this idea. I've got about 15 months to work up the courage.

Speaking of my "friend:" I know she likes me just by the way she acts. Others have noticed it to. We had a 9 hour I.M. conversation the other night at work. The week before that, we had a 10 hour conversation. We talk about everything. Even when we are not at work, we will sometimes message on Facebook. She thanks me all the time for making her night go by fast. I just maybe think she is afraid.....

Quote:
If you are able to attend as a former spouse who has recovered from the D and is able to be in the same room as your XW, that's a good thing.


Being in the same room isn't the problem. We've been together at my son's concerts many times. The problem will be seeing OM and being IN their house. I was actually thinking earlier that I haven't actually SPOKEN to her since May 0f 2013. And that was on the phone.

Quote:
I think you were making some good progress with the GAL - baby steps - but it sounds as though the whole 'wedding business' may have set you back (understandable.) But let's get back to the baby steps in GAL. What about that bowling league you were thinking about? And do you have any more ideas to get you out of the house in a way that feels manageable, pleasant and gently social?


You're 100% correct. I have had a setback. Didn't even make it to the pool on my last weekend. Haven't thought much about the bowling league since the wedding stuff came up. S29 wants to join one with me. As for other things, besides going to a bar, what do people my age do? Probably a silly question, but I'm not trying to be funny. Seriously, what do people do?

....


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Perhaps they are considering putting up a big gazebo in the backyard for the reception I which case you wouldn't have to step foot in the house.
Remember a lot can happen in 15mos. Try to focus on today's facts not tomorrows "what-ifs".


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

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So tad, the OM has so much power to have you miss your sons wedding? No way. He's an insignificant POS who is completely not worthy of you missing out on your sons biggest day of his life. You need to walk in there with confidence, and perhaps that woman on yours arm and focus on what the day is all about. Your son and his new wife. Because it isn't about you, OM, or exw. It's about them. And I'd bet not everyone is crowding in the house, it will be outside and you have no reason to go inside.

Yes, this woman clearly likes you. I'd ask her out. You did before? I can't quite remember.

And what do people your age do? Well, more like what do YOU like to do? Any hobbies? Exercise, bowling, trivia nights, darts, whatever. Find a meetup group in your area of people who share the same interests. You seem to like animals. Volunteer to help at a shelter. So many things you could be doing. Now is the time! If I had freedom to get out more often, I'd join a meetup of people who enjoy the same activities as I do.

Your are getting in your own way. I really do understand the anxiety and the feelings towards the OP. But as it stands now my biggest regrets are letting them get in the way of my own life.

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What a great thing to do with S29! Why not make August the month you get started in the bowling league with S. Then maybe in Sept add in another regular GAL activity and the same in Oct. If you challenge yourself to add in just one regular new thing a month, by Xmas, you'll have a much fuller life and may well be juggling dates on the calendar.

As for what can you do? Why not make yourself a list of 10 things you would love to do if you only had the confidence, motivation and time.....then make it happen.

:-)

Last edited by Sotto; 08/15/15 02:21 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Quote:
So tad, the OM has so much power to have you miss your sons wedding? No way. He's an insignificant POS who is completely not worthy of you missing out on your sons biggest day of his life. You need to walk in there with confidence, and perhaps that woman on yours arm and focus on what the day is all about. Your son and his new wife. Because it isn't about you, OM, or exw. It's about them. And I'd bet not everyone is crowding in the house, it will be outside and you have no reason to go inside.
Yeah Tad, I had the same thought. The wedding is about your son not you. You're there for him, not the other way around.

As for the lunches to clear the air? Not so much. I see no reason you need to subject yourself to that unless you want to. In the end, you were there. You know what happened. You don't need "clarity" to see that.

She may need a chance to "reconcile" the past relationship. By reconcile I mean rationalize it and come to terms with the past. You loved her at some point and may want to give that to her. I'm not feeling that now is the time for that though, nor under those circumstances.

But don't let either of them stand between you and your son. Not for any reason. That would just be wrong as a parent.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Thanks Dejavu, Ginger, Sotto and AJ.

Just checking in.

Quote:
Remember a lot can happen in 15mos. Try to focus on today's facts not tomorrows "what-ifs".


True. Found out today that they aren't having a big wedding at all. They are going to have a "courthouse" wedding and just save for a real nice honeymoon. Not sure about the reception yet...

Quote:
Yes, this woman clearly likes you. I'd ask her out. You did before? I can't quite remember.


Yes I did and she said that she doesn't date or even hang out with coworkers. Like I said, I get the feeling that she is afraid. I do have baggage. We have some great conversations. She is either afraid or has probably been really mistreated by someone in her past. Just a feeling, but I may be wrong.

Quote:
You seem to like animals. Volunteer to help at a shelter.


I've given some thought to this and just might. I'm sort of in limbo at the moment because my schedule may be changing in the next few weeks. I've inquired about bowling leagues as well, but again, I have to wait to see what my schedule is like.

Quote:
As for what can you do? Why not make yourself a list of 10 things you would love to do if you only had the confidence, motivation and time.....then make it happen.


I can work on this. Not sure if I can come up with 10, but I'll see what I can do.

Quote:
As for the lunches to clear the air? Not so much. I see no reason you need to subject yourself to that unless you want to. In the end, you were there. You know what happened. You don't need "clarity" to see that.


I actually think it might do me some good to get things off of my chest, but it isn't going to happen. No thanks. Not sure I can be in the same room with her or OM. Not happening.

I'm still struggling to get out. I haven't even made it down to the pool in three weeks. I need to. I went out the other night and decided to go to the old nightclub that I used to hang out at with my radio buddies. I never made it. The further I got from home, the more nervous I got. The anxiety was the worst I've felt in a long time. I turned around and started heading home. It was strange: I wanted to hurry up and get home, but the closer I got to home, the slower I drove. I was being extra careful. Had this fear that I was going to get pulled over or I was going to get into an accident or someone or something was going to jump out in front of me. This is starting to become an issue that needs to get resolved soon or it is going to be a HUGE issue.

My confession:

I haven't disposed of my rats' cage yet. It is sitting right where it has always been. Everything is just as it was when they were alive. I can't bring myself to part with it. Treats that they had hidden are still there. I can't do it. Not yet. Is it weird that I also tell my tattoo good night every night? I have both of their remains on my nightstand. I also tell the containers that they are in good night every night as well. Sad? Yeah....and not like the old me at all. My grandmother was obviously right: I am way too sentimental.

S29 told me the other day that XW just seems angry at the world and is wound way too tight. He's right. She's angry at everything. According to him, she went from being a "scientist" to a "biologist" and now is telling everyone that she is an "ecologist." She's actually teaching middle school science at the moment, but according to S29, she's not happy with that either.....calls her students "retards" or "idiots."

Tomorrow starts my weekend. I NEED to find something to do.

Tomorrow also would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. frown
THIRTY YEARS. Gone.

Peace.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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