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And Ghost, don't be so sure there is not another man somewhere in the works. 99% of the time there is another man/woman in the works and it can surprise the heck out of you how devious our spouses can be. Mine setup numerous hidden email accounts and hid things in incredible ways. It can very well be the case that she's found someone else (If we were in Vegas, I'd put money on it) that stroked her ego and made her feel butterflies in her guts (she will call him her soul mate).

As you have experienced, she said she's been unhappy for a long time and that is called a script, we've all had that said to us. They tend to rewrite history to justify what they have done. IF you think about it surely you will find examples of things that she say happened one way but you have a different recollection of it.

Ad it really noes not matter where we are on our journey, because only hindsight is 20/20. You are getting great advice here, I sure do wish you'll take it and not try to be a smart ass. We all think/thought that our situation is different and that we can nice our spouse back to the marriage. We can not. And no, our situation is not all that different from all the other guys on these boards. And the sooner you stop driving your head trough the wall the better for you. Do not expect immediate results, you are months away from the results phase (likely more than a year) and the situation is bound to get worse before it gets better.

DO NOT MOVE OUT. If she wants out of the marriage, that is her choice, but for heaven's sake, grow a pair and stand up to her. Again, you cannot nice her back, you cannot start all the things you should have been doing in the marriage now and expect it to matter to her. It will not. If anything, it will just piss her off.

Expect spewing from her, expect her to try to manipulate you, expect her to lay all the blame for the breakup on you. Do not let her. Own you $hit, but own your part of it only. Read and reread Sandi's rules and do it daily. Do not beg, plead, convince her, it will not work, it will only make you look weak, and women HATE weak, absolutely HATE it. Sure they say they want a compassionate man, yada yada yada, but at the end of the day, they want a man, a strong and confident man, and confident is sexy, confidence is a turn on.

So let go of your fears, as others have pointed out, your marriage is dead, gone and you truly have nothing to lose. NOT A DAMN THING...

Be the best dad you can be and do not look over your shoulder for your W, she will notice changes, she may not say anything, but she will notice. You have to make her miss you, but not by word, by actions!

As I said, be the best dad in the world, play with your little ones, to special thing for your older ones.

Go Ghost!!! We are all rooting for you...

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"And Ghost, don't be so sure there is not another man somewhere in the works. 99% of the time there is another man/woman in the works and it can surprise the heck out of you how devious our spouses can be"


"grow a pair and stand up to her. Again, you cannot nice her back, you cannot start all the things you should have been doing in the marriage now and expect it to matter to her. It will not. If anything, it will just piss her off.

Expect spewing from her, expect her to try to manipulate you, expect her to lay all the blame for the breakup on you. Do not let her. Own you $hit, but own your part of it only."

"So let go of your fears, as others have pointed out, your marriage is dead, gone and you truly have nothing to lose. NOT A DAMN THING..."



ABSOLUTE DITTO to this...........


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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[quote=Ontheup]"And Ghost, don't be so sure there is not another man somewhere in the works. 99% of the time

I apologize if this offends, but in my opinion these fake statistics are Not helpful. In fact, they can be distracting, since Ghost has already done what he believes is thorough research into the matter -

AND b/c he's trying to own his own role in the marital woes, and to identify when he reverts. When someone keeps searching for OM/OWs it is

sometimes to avoid looking at the one person in this ordeal whom they can actually control, themselves....or to avoid owning their role.

So for me, it's almost wasteful & destructive to keep sewing doubt in someone who is trying so hard to work on themselves. I mean, if an OP is not an absolute deal breaker for him,
then what purpose is there in continually harping on the possibility? (To wake him up? To what? Where the money is going? Ghost, do you know your finances? Are you at risk if she's hiding money?

I see Ghost as a man on a path of self improvement so that he becomes the better choice,

thus, regardless of whether there is an OM, he's fighting the same fight.


there is another man/woman in the works and it can surprise the heck out of you how devious our spouses can be"


"grow a pair and stand up to her. Again, you cannot nice her back, you cannot start all the things you should have been doing in the marriage now and expect it to matter to her. It will not. If anything, it will just piss her off.


The other comment I'd make is, to, please avoid projecting our own fears or particulars from our marriage, onto someone else's. There's so much negative mind reading going on there, I am smh.

YES there are common themes in our situations - but at the same time they are NOT all alike. So, Let's tread lightly here.


Expect spewing from her, expect her to try to manipulate you, expect her to lay all the blame for the breakup on you.



There's value in this^^ but Ghost, don't lose sight of what my DB coach said, which is to "Get better, Not bItter"

and to give your spouse something to live UP to
, not with expectations that set you up for disappointment, but with as much authentic appreciation of the value they bring, as you can.

That's^^^ NOT being a doormat, rather, its being detached enough to do the work this DB process takes,

while also not becoming a bItter spouse.

This is Not an easy ordeal, (which is why I use the term "ordeal.")

And it is truly a marathon, not a sprint.

I'm very very glad you have a DB coach! I still say the single most important and most specifically helpful thing I did to save my m, was getting a DB coach.

She was truly a Godsend for me. Good luck!



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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I agree with 25, and I think we all need to remain aware that we may project things that are 'ours' onto others. We may also encourage them to follow our 'path' as reinforcement to ourselves that it is the right one. Ultimately, our posts should aim to help others ahead of ourselves.

The views OTU expresses remind me of the 'Chump lady' website. I googled it a while ago and it is good fun - in a caustic kind of way. But DBing it isn't, and I don't think this website and that one are compatible. Chump is more a 'dump their cheating @ss and get your self-respect back.' (Another poster commented a while back that she appears to have significant unresolved anger issues.) Okay, the 'Chump route' is an option - and I have no problem with the choices others make - but DBing is another option with more emphasis on self-awareness and growth.

I've chosen the DB option and I feel at peace with what I have done so far. This journey 'ain't for pussies' and the whole thing 'ain't pretty' either. But if we can improve our lives and ourselves from going through this painful journey - whether or not our spouse is in the picture - that's a good outcome to me.

Take care Ghost xx

Last edited by Toots; 08/07/15 07:45 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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My views are not just from the chump site but also expressed by my councillor who had never heard of this site nor chump.

What I'm advocating is Gain your self respect back. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

I've said numerous times on my threads and others that the best price of advice I ever received was to just let them go. Stop dancing stop with all the drama if they want out then let them.
I and others are questioning about an affair because as we all know it is a very common theme on here.

I apologise if I've caused offence, I'm giving my thoughts to try and help which is what we're all here to do right?

Toots chump is not "good fun" it's full of broken marriages, dam right she's angry, so am I, tends to happen when someone you thought was your best friend has been sh1tting all over you for years.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Thank you everyone for posting on my stitch

25yearsmlc thank you for your comments

I know some people will say there is another man but there isn't i do know my wife and she is not one to cheet never has been and she would not do this for the kids and I know she tells me she just does not want to have to put another adult in front of her needs

She tells me that she has just had enough of how I was not there for her her over the years and I put myself above her I am making improvements to myself but she has been very adement that there is no chance of us getting back together.

We are still living in the same house and we do get along but she is defiantly detaching from me and doing less and less with me

I am struggling to think about the future and if we go to separate houses with me having the kids for 3,5 days and her doing the same.

She has been well used to this as she has bought up our other 3 kids she was a stay at home mum who worked part time I have always been a full time worker

The concept of me having the baby for 3.5 days and not being able to work or the concept of not having the baby the other days and not seeing her hurts.

I am 46 and I do not want to be alone but then I do not see me wanting to get involved with someone else .they are probably going to come with history and or children just as I do

I trust my wife with my life and the life of my baby how can I know I can trust a stranger

I know I am thing ahead


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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Ghost

Don't try and predict what you're future is going to be. Just deal with the here and now.
So your wife has said that's it basically she's done....has she said anything regarding what she believes is going to happen? E.g does she want you to move out? Does she want to move out? Does she want to live as bff?

I go back to my earlier post regards what do you want to do?


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Well for now she is ok living in the same house for the good of the children they are coping well with our separation as they have not really seen much of a change other than their daddy breaking down...I try to do this in private but once or twice they have seen how upset I am.

I hope that whilst she is living with me I,stand more chance of trying to prove to her my changes

I am not strong I would describe by self as weak....ok I was going to describe my self as a pussy but then thought better of it....

I am hoping and I guess praying that over time she sees my changes and decides that it might just be worth giving me a second chance to show her and our children that being with me is the best choice.

BUT and this is a big BUT right now I really do not hold much hope but however slim this might be and it is pretty slim I have to hang on to this and keep trying to better myself

I will keep trying to detach

On a side note this evening she had made plans to go out with a girl friend of hers to a night club now,the is a long term friend but she has recently split with her partner so my W and her are best friends and I am not sure if she is not getting some lets just say biast conversation from her

So I took her to her friends house .and dropped her off ...l am guessing By now she would be hitting the club do I wait up for her to make sure she gets home safely arround 2 :30 am ish

ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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Neither of us would be able to afford our current house

She is not money oriented she never has been

She says that so long as we are getting along then we can all keep living together but if it not working for anyone then we will sell and move to separate houses

Our finances are tight they always have been

But my father passed away last year and left me some money aprox 30k .....still has not finished going through probate but I was going to pay a chunk off our mortgage however now not sure this would be a smart plan now

All my wife says she would want is half the value of our house after mtg paid back arround 300k each

Life is so crap my mother has also just changed her will to include my wife and our kids each getting shares of her estate so I believe she is in the process of having it changed again to exclude W and to make sure that my kids share is not placed into trust with both me and my W as trustees as I feel that W could potentially block things if I want to give our children some of their share and she objects


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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Originally Posted By: Ghost56
I hope that whilst she is living with me I,stand more chance of trying to prove to her my changes


The bigger challenge is to prove the changes to yourself. Even if they are real, she may or may not want them anymore. Something you have to accept while continuing to live your own life.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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