LBS trying to get it right

[Cadet]

How does someone know where they are on this journey

Have you read all the homework?


Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

[Zephyr]

I have seen similar questions from LBS. I am genuinely curious as to the reason behind it. Is it to have a mileage scale, or what?

I was always curious because I thought it it was a way to help with the uncertainty of the future. Truly where am I, where is she, where are we...these gauges tells us how long we have left...well except it don't work like that

[PigPen]

How does someone know where they are on this journey

I have seen similar questions from LBS. I am genuinely curious as to the reason behind it. Is it to have a mileage scale, or what?

I think it's because after BD, even long after BD, we're desperate for anything concrete to hang our hat on.

I'm hearing the things that people here when they have six months left? Ok, I can do six months.

We all know it's a fallacy and that our own stitches are unique, but I think we'd start believing in Santa Claus if it would help get us through the day.

A fat man comes down the chimney and is going to give me presents? You serious? Excellent, I'll take anything I can get right now.

Not to make light of the question or the asker, I've begged for any kind of answer for this myself.

[sandi2]

Thanks, I appreciate the answer. I figured it had to do with "hope". I wondered if it had to do with men wanting to know the answer before asking the question (you know, like things he connects with possible rejection). I don't mean to sound as if I'm trying to make it a gender thing, b/c it's probably true for all LBS looking for hope. I've just noticed that men often say that if they knew for sure the W would give the M another chance, then they would hang on as long as it took. In other words, wanted the answer before doing the work? Or, is that just another way men are saying they are seeking a little bit of hope? I'm still learning, too.

[Joe46]

In other words, wanted the answer before doing the work?

I could probably say honestly that statement was probably true in the beginning for me. There was some hope there also. But my biggest problem at first was not knowing what work I needed to do.

[jedi]

Ghost,

Sorry this has somewhat hijacked your thread, but I wanted to weigh in on this discussion as well.

In one of the many books I've read since BD, I came to realize that it's my fear of the unknown and a (weak) attempt at thinking I can control the future that made me want a timeline. Not just with my sitch, but in most of my life.

So, if I know I can get to "A" by doing "B" for 8 months, great, I'm all in. But if I dont know how long I need to do "B" to get to "A", well then I'm scared. Afraid to waste my time, afraid to try something and perhaps fail. I wanted that guarantee of success in my head before taking any risks or making any changes that would result in lots of work for me.

I'm not saying all LBS are like this, but I was. I still am, but I'm working on it and it's getting better. In fact, it was a post Zeus left me asking how I would feel or work on myself differently if he told me right then my W was never coming back that helped me start to look at things in a different light. Us LSB really cannot keep looking over our shoulders wondering when WAS is coming back and half-assing the changes we need to be focused on.

I firmly believe that the number one emotion all LBS feel at BD is fear. And for me, until I learned to let that fear go (still working on it, but getting closer!) I was never going to start moving forward, making changes for me and only me.

So Ghost, as an answer to your question I'll say this: when you figure out how to let go of your fear, then your journey really begins.

[Azzork]

I will also apologize to add to the hijack....but here goes.

For me, I feel like the journey we are all on is like we're swimming down a river. If we get to the end of the river, then great, we made it! But it FEELS like we are stuck in some whirlpool of our own situations. I believe we feel too connected to our own issues to really see the zoomed out view. So we ask the people that came before: how far down the river AM I now? All we feel is the spinning around, so it's hard to tell if there has been any forward motion or anything.

Now that's kind of my take on the personal journey we're on. As for how it goes with the spouse...? Who the hell knows. I've stopped paying attention to the mile markers on that road.

[jedi]

In order to give the post from Zues I referenced above its fair justice, I'll re-post it here. Ghost, perhaps this can help you like it did me....

Look- if I told you nothing you did or said would ever change your W, your M was DOOMED, and you would never get her back...would 'how dark to be' still be your biggest thing? Or would you be like 'that [censored], looks like my biggest thing is making myself the best person I can be to have the brightest future on my own I can'?

See the difference? Focus on you. For real.

[WhyUs]

Jedi,

Thank you for that post. I needed to hear that.

[Vanilla]

Ghost

I do believe the answer lies in Detachment. Once you detach from the outcome, then the fear of failure goes.

The sense I am not going to work the process because My M isn't going to repair, there is little reason to do it.

Once you detach, go with the program, the real journey begins. This is a journey not a destination. The journey is discovering who you are, what you want to be. It is beyond your M, it is rounder, wilder and more involved. It is attaching to yourself, observing calmly, reacting peaceable, enforcing boundaries, constructing necessary repairs, healing old wounds, laying down baggage, old childhood scars and much much more. And it is enlightening empowering and life affirming for your whole lifetime. Where are you now? You will know when you look back and you will know if you take this journey, at the first step.

There are two posters here who have blessed you with their posts PigPen and Joe who have been remarkable in their sitch, you would be wise to heed their words and read their threads.

It is about being a worthwhile human being (not doing), preparing your children for life and it is about your higher power. Truly about you.

V