I received two more harassing "anonymous" text messages since. HOW IS IT THAT I AM ALWAYS MADE TO FEEL LIKE THE VILLAIN?
RAI, is there no way to block that number on your phone? Even if you don't know what the number actually is, there might be a way to block that caller. Have you called your phone carrier to see if there's a way to either find out the number or block it?
Originally Posted By: RAI
I had an IC appt yesterday. I asked him why I am having such difficulty letting go of my anger. He said it is too early. Anyone in my sitch would still be angry. The anger is normal and I am still very much in the midst of things.
RAI, do you like this IC otherwise? Because although anger is normal, it's never too early to learn to let go of it. And BD was over a year ago? How is that too early to learn to deal with anger in a more productive way than letting it get you down to the point you hate your life? Sorry, I'm an accountant, not a counselor, but there's just something that doesn't sit right with me there.
I guarantee this did nothing to your relationship with your W. She probably enjoyed the confrontation because she knows she got under your skin - therefore you're still all in.
Is your wife a victim/martyr? In her mind, most assuredly. Is it true, though? Likely not. It's part of the WW's faulty defense mechanism. To her, you are the root of all problems, and she is blameless. She has a diminished ability to accept responsibility for her part in this. Can you change her truth? Certainly not by talking to her, she has to get there on her own.
You say you can't take it anymore. What's the alternative? You make your own plan. Pick a point on the horizon of where you want to be. Set a few small goals, just for today for now, that start you in that direction. Build some confidence that you can meet those goals. Soon enough you'll be setting weekly, then monthly goals. Your goals and steps will not depend on your W, and soon enough you'll realize you are under your own control. This is detachment. And once you are there, moving along that path, your W may realize that you are moving along just fine regardless of her circus. It may or may not change the dynamic, but by then you will realize the choices are all yours.
As one who has taken the scenic road through hell (and back), I can tell you it does get better, and there will even be parts of this that you will end up being thankful for. (!)
But don't beat yourself up. Nothing swings on a single confrontation. But now that you've seen how unproductive it was, let's not repeat the experience.
Get to work on the weekend. Do something that makes you feel good.
Well, RAI, having read a lot of your posts it seems like your anger is not consistent but crests at moments. It might be worth journaling when you feel it the most to see if you can identify some patterns and maybe avoid some of those trigger situations.
Where are you in the D process? Honestly, when I read your sitch, I frequently think that regardless of whatever outcome you now desire, things will improve when you are in separate households.
By the way - by all means consult with your attorney. But since you are still liable for the debt she is running up, I would certainly consider lowering the limits on those credit cards if you aren't going to close the accounts.
Is my WW a victim/martyr? Am I victimizing her/martyring her? I just can't take it anymore.
Is this what you tell yourself?
If WW wants to be victim or martyr she will be, in spite of everything you do. Let her be who she wants, just simply disagree. So text message think to yourself "WW if that's what you want and need OK" "I don't agree WW, but you have the right to say so". I have a post on the abuse thread about this, and it's the stance recommendEd in 12 step.
Breathe, smile, my lovely you have come such a long way from your days of screaming banshee back. As I see it, the fact that this is now texts is a great achievement. Congratulate yourself on protecting your children.
As for not taking it anymore, Really RAI!
There is a boundary in this being broken I suspect so..........
Oh in case you weren't told (although I suspect you were) it's your responsibility to ensure your laundry is managed amoung other 'leaving home and cutting the umbilical things.' Note I haven't said that you can't delegate or fair exchange on this. Even the best of help hasn't got xray vision my dear.
Can I recommend a practical book called Life Laundry for you to dip into? The laundry concept I believe comes via Tolstoy from his book Anna Karena, the character Count Vronski had a laundry day, mine used to be every Friday, I called it Friday jobs day before WH came along. Thinking about it, it was a good system and I had a once a month sort it weekend! Thanks for reminding me, it was a good system.
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/12/1505:12 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Originally posted by V my strategy developed from NMMNG dealing with WH and his irrational al view that I was to blame for his life woes. I made every mistake in the book. After this I just stopped accepting it was all my fault.
____________________________
what to do, how to deal with irrationality as it happens?
1. Take time out and breathe. Cool it, detach, withdraw mentally for a while. Let the others anger burn out whilst you stay calm. Let them burn out any rant. Respond with let me see if I understand but I need a moment. Can you slow down I am seeking to hear. I hear you say.........
2. Feel empathy but not pity or sympathy. This is irrational and you don't agree but can acknowledge the others feelings. Nod or lean forward and listen. (First level response)
3. Move to second position in your mind (be in the others shoes) be compassionate and kind, above all be kind. See if you can identify the cause.(Second level response)
4. Reflect back the others feelings (you may have already reflected back their words in 1 above) use a calm even tone. So make this about them not you at this stage. (Third level response)
I think you are upset that I did xyz Not You are saying I treated you badly
You resent the fact I did xyz all weekend Not I hear you that you don't like me doing/saying xyz
5. Validate the others feelings (Fourth level response) having already recognise them and reflected them back.
See Wonkas validation cheat sheet for examples on how to do this. For examples of what not to say see the invalidation post in the abuse thread.
6. Express compassion about the pain
You feel hurt because you feel mistreated or abused.
Do not accept you abused them or victimised. "You seem to believe I agree with your view that I abused or victimised you. My stance is different and I feel upset that you feel and believe as you do. I want you to acknowledge that I am upset by you saying this. In addition I want to tell you that I respect you have the upset feelings even if I do not accept that I Abused or victimised you"
7. Ask for future discussion and then state how you feel
"I feel upset you believe that I deliberately caused your hurt, and I do not hold myself accountable. Although I do believe you feel that way as I do. I find this very difficult. I would like us to talk about that next, tomorrow, next week....."
I am having great difficulty with my confusion and resentment that you think I am trying to control/abuse you when I know that is not my intention.
8. Agree to disagree.
"We are obviously of different opinions, can we agree to disagree that I acknowledge you feel abused whilst I do not accept I abused you."
9. Say you will respond if mistreated.
"Expect me to refute your accusation every time I hear it, I accept you believe I am trying to control/abuse you and I will listen to what you have to say but I know I had no such intention."
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/12/1505:36 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Just checking in, haven't been around too much lately. I feel for you, probably more so because we have similarities in our situations. Not much to add but I will say letting go of anger, like forgiveness, is a gift you give yourself. (((())))
losty!
Last edited by lost18; 10/14/1501:28 PM.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
