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A Message from Michele
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Re: Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III [Re: RAI] #2602378
08/28/15 02:26 PM
08/28/15 02:26 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
S
SunnyB Offline
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SunnyB  Offline
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Posts: 2,685
FL
RAI, that may not have been the most DB-ing thing to do, but it wasn't that bad, and it's over now. It's not like she was begging you to take her back and you said those things and now she's walking away. In the big scheme of things, it wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back, and it possibily made you feel better. Take a deep breath, don't beat yourself up over it, and move on. Yes, we are all human.

(And raliced, BTW, that 8/20 post was brilliant.)



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III [Re: SunnyB] #2602384
08/28/15 02:55 PM
08/28/15 02:55 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
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rd500 Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi Rai. Just to echo Sunny. It's over and no one is dead. Does it help your cause , who knows ? That one conversation means nothing in the grand scheme

Take your time before any action

Take care. Rd

Re: Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III [Re: rd500] #2602389
08/28/15 03:12 PM
08/28/15 03:12 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
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PigPen Offline
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PigPen  Offline
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Posts: 1,387
Hey Rai,

Just read all of that. You're human. DB'ing is hard my friend. Our situations are impossible. Sometimes your humanity is going to boil over and you're not going to act anywhere close to perfectly. It happens.

Heck, it's probably good for you to not walk around with all of that anger inside of you. Now you know that it won't make you feel better and have the option of making a different choice next time. Live and learn, that's what this is all about.

Breathe, it's over.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Re: Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III [Re: rd500] #2602392
08/28/15 03:16 PM
08/28/15 03:16 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 760
USA
R
RAI Offline OP
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RAI  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 760
USA
Thanks Sunny and rd. I think I just needed some time to recover. I lost my focus for a few hours. Now, back to being the best me I can be.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
Re: Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III [Re: RAI] #2602396
08/28/15 03:41 PM
08/28/15 03:41 PM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
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Azzork Offline
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Azzork  Offline
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Posts: 1,952
Originally Posted By: RAI

My W wants me to send her pictures from my recent vacation with S13 and S11. I really don't want to share anything with her right now. However, she may elect to not share with me in the future. I just don't know how much goodwill to project, since she is still in the midst of an A. I thought of perhaps sharing only pictures of the kids or scenery and not giving her pictures with me in it. Once the D is final, will there be this kind of sharing? Do I set the stage now? Anyone have any suggestions?


I just got portraits done of my kids last month. I believe some migrated to FB if my W is looking. She hasnt asked for them, and I havent offered. I think if she asked me for them, I would send a few of the files, but Im not going out of my way. No matter what happens, she is still their mom.

Edit to add that I posted this before reading all of the other things you posted. You know what? All it was was words. You said them, theyre out there for a bit, and then they are gone into the night. Learn from it and move forward.

Last edited by Azzork; 08/28/15 03:45 PM.
Re: Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III [Re: RAI] #2602422
08/28/15 05:02 PM
08/28/15 05:02 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
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raliced Offline
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raliced  Offline
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Originally Posted By: RAI
There were a lot of heated words, some truth darts interspersed. I just don't want to rehash them anymore. I am ashamed. Getting them off my chest made no difference to my sitch. If anything, I felt 10 times worse.


Well yeah, I doubt after hearing this she's going to suddenly come to her senses...but.......

Originally Posted By: RAI

Well, it's the morning after. Now that I have had some time to parse things (and cry), here are my thoughts:
1) I felt terrible most of the morning because I lost my composure. I was angry at myself for the hurtful words used. Even if they are true. I was angry at myself because I allowed WW to dictate my behavior. I have a choice in how I behave and respond. I am RAI - I am supposed to rise above it.
2) I am frustrated that any anger I show is evidence she shores up to demonstrate how terrible I am.
3) I feel bad because the Kids were still awake upstairs and heard us arguing. I don't think they heard any details, but I would really feel terrible if they did.

I left the house immediately after to get together with a friend who helped me decompress as little. S13 felt the need to call me moments after I left to see if I was ok. Some lighthouse I am to him!
RAI


You know - if you really internalize that this type of thing makes you feel worse, not better, and you start to move beyond the need to say such things, it may have served its purpose.

As for the kids - well, I don't think it's good for kids to hear their mom is "a bad mother" regardless of how you feel in the heat of the moment. I do think it's ok to let them see some of your pain and anger. You can't shield them from everything in life and I decided my my initial stiff upper lip may have caused my daughters to think I didn't really care. I think it was better for them once I started to show that, yes, I have felt hurt. I think it helped validate their own hurt feelings.

Last edited by raliced; 08/28/15 05:03 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III [Re: raliced] #2602725
08/29/15 11:52 PM
08/29/15 11:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
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Vanilla Offline
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Vanilla  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
RAI

I really want you to put your children first. Frankly this should be the most important thing in your life.

Stop, think.

These children come be fore you, above WW.

Please do this . Now.

I don't really think your tender emotions, or complex interactions with WW are more important than your children.

Stop the drama.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/29/15 11:55 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III [Re: Vanilla] #2602822
08/30/15 01:54 PM
08/30/15 01:54 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 760
USA
R
RAI Offline OP
Member
RAI  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 760
USA
Thanks everyone for the replies. I would like to address each of them soon. For now, suffice it to say that the nasty argument is behind me and I am actually having a nice weekend.

I have a question for the group: I would like to visit my sister with the kids for the upcoming jewish new year. My W does not want to be away from the kids for this holiday in particular - I'm not sure why. We are at an impasse. Here are the details of the proposed trip:

It would be 3 days (sun-tues). It will be the only time my nieces will be there. We will be home for the rest of the Jewish holidays - there are many more holidays within a week or two. Most importantly, my kids really love going and have been asking me for weeks. Although my sister lives 3 hours away, my younger kids have not seen their cousins since the bar-mitzvah in may.

We are still legally married. There are no custody issues. Do I put my foot down? Do I appeal to her and simply fold if she says no? I am as much of a parent to these children as she is. Prior to BD I deferred to her for all these decisions. The kids will be going through a difficult year anvd a trip to their aunts is something they really love. My W will have to understand that there will be holidays where each of us will not be with the kids. Or, do I concede, like I did for the first days of Passover?

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
Re: Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III [Re: RAI] #2602924
08/31/15 02:32 AM
08/31/15 02:32 AM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
L
lost18 Offline
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Posts: 543
No words of wisdom on how to handle the holiday. I would say don't concede if you feel strongly about it, not sure how to work it out seeing as you are married with no custody agreements.

Really just stopping in to check in. Sorry you're struggling, don't beat yourself up over it, it happens to the best of them. I know how hard it is to be living with a spouse who doesn't want to be married any more. Hang in there. (())


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Re: Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III [Re: lost18] #2602946
08/31/15 05:59 AM
08/31/15 05:59 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
Godless NW
B
bravo61 Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
Godless NW
If you want to go then go. She knows where you will be and how to contact you & the kids if needed. Would you ask a neighbor for permission? There are your kids & there is no court order on specific visitation so take care of you and the kids.


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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