XW's fog lifting, wants to work on fixing us

[gogofo]

I want to go dark right now while we are still in the same house. it is very hard but i am open to anything at this point. any pointers?

Going dark while living together is difficult. I did not do it well at all. At the end when living together I would retreat to my own area and not communicate with her. I would only be around when the kids were there. When they were asleep, I would go to my own place. It was difficult and don't know if I did that good of a job.

When moving into my old house my attitude changed and the XW wanted to still be friendly; I was done being friendly. She was milling around one afternoon as I was emptying the closet and I just ignored her. She was surprised and hurt that I wasn't there talking with her the whole time.

When talking about that time she said she realized that I was not going to be her friend and had cut her out of my life. She said it was something she never considered, she thought we would be friends for life and have a good relationship. I told her I never wanted to be her friend and would not be friends with her. We are either in a relationship or we are acquaintances. She said it was at that point that it was obvious.

If you two live in different places it will be lots easier. I barely acknowledged her existence. I would say "hi" but other than that I would not even look at her. My attention was with the kids and I would make each interaction as short as possible.

[otw]

thank you, i am gathering that as how it is going to be for me as well. just hope i get the same results as you and i still feel the same when she comes around. I really have no factual proof of an A, but if i do know of one then i am not sure how i will react.

[gogofo]

What role has your XW family played in this?

Her family did not play any role in the reconciliation. They still cared about me and liked me, but they did not tell her what to do or not to do. They don't have that kind of relationship. During our attempt last year they would say a thing or two to her randomly in the beginning, but they soon quit. I think the only thing of significance they told her is her mom offered to tell her the things her and her dad had gone through. This was when we first separated, a year before the D. She declined to talk about it and they backed off.

How are your kids handling this?

The kids are handling this very well. They are so excited to be able to see mom and dad everyday and doing things together. During the D my oldest would cry for about 45 minutes to an hour when we would leave her house. Randomly throughout he would bring up that I just needed to tell mom that I loved her and then we could live together again.

Did you date anyone during this period?

I did not have any exclusive relationships with anyone. There were girls I was talking to and pursuing. I went on an official date and there were other girls I would see out and meet up with and spend the night with each other. I was not waiting around for her, I was moving forward. I am not someone that runs through half the girls when broke up, but I was actively out there.

Is there one particular thing that woke her up so to speak? Is it just the going dark or did something happen to her?

She said the one thing that woke her up is that her life did not change after the D. She assumed that she would be stress free and her life would be great and that I was dragging her down. Going dark was a big factor in this happening. With me gone and not being any part of her life, she had to take ownership of her life. She said she tried many things to "fix" her life and nothing was working.

After talking the first time about reconciliation I asked her if she wanted me. She responded about what she wanted in life. I said "me too" but the question was "do you want me"? She took a deep breath and started crying again and said yes, she wanted me.

Immediately she felt vulnerable and got defensive and wanted to leave. She followed up with "now you can tell me too late or laugh at me or whatever." She didn't expect me to be open to trying again. I laid down some things I wanted to see and needed her to do to prove to me that she was for real.

She has done those things and gone beyond about what I thought she would do. She has done a lot of leading in the reconciliation. I even pull back my effort a little every now and then to make sure we are both doing the work.

[gogofo]

I will likely be D'd in 2 weeks and i know it will be tough for me emotionally. My WW has not shown any signs of remorse or wanting to R. Any advice or tips on making it through that?

Keep up with the DB stuff. GAL is super important. Don't put your life on a timeline, things have to run their course on their own. You cannot control the situation or what is happening, just work on you.

Drop the rope and walk away. Were there times I wanted to reach out to the XW, yes, but I didn't and I am glad I didn't. I was hurting, but it was non of her business. There were times when she was reaching out to me and I just ignored them. They hurt bad, but I kept my resolve.

One night she sent a text that just said "awake?" Good thing I wasn't. I would have talked with her but I don't think the time was right. I was 6 or 8 weeks before she started to pursue me more. I think it would have been a little bit of bait and she would have gotten what she needed emotionally if I was nice to her.

Just do you and look ahead. It is a good time to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and how you are going to do it.

Keep your chin up. It is dark now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I was doing tons better with my life before the reconciliation. I was moving forward with my life without her and it felt good. I still hold that confidence, but it was only gained by facing the pain and doing the work.

[dday]

Go, you have helped me tremendously with your story today. Thank you. You are an inspiration

[ILYNOT]

gogofo, thank you for sharing your story, It truly is a blessing to give us hope at least to see what has worked for you.

I know there are not guarantees but we can all pray and hope we will turn out reconciling with our spouses.

But I like the fact that you were doing much better on your own and living life! Great to hear that! Gives us the confidence we need!

I've been dark for a couple of weeks now ever since I found out W was texting/talking OM, that was a drop the rope for me.

We will see how my sitch goes. I will keep posting, I have learned a lot on this site, but I was doing everything wrong thinking she was just a WW. I became a "friend".

Anyhow keep up the good work, we are all rooting for you!

[WhyUs]

gogofo,

Thank you for answering my questions. Your insight is very helpful and your story is encouraging.

[thriver]

Hey gogofo, how are things? Just wanted to see if you had any updates on your sitch.