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Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Ginger1] #2600388
08/22/15 12:22 AM
08/22/15 12:22 AM
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Zues126 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
He is an every other weekend, one night a week dad, not really involved in her actual raising, but he's there and she loves him, nonetheless.


Sorry to hijack and missing the main point here, but I had to speak my voice.

I am a "one night a week/every other weekend" dad. The reason for this is that I am the only income earner. My WAW was a SAHM for 10 years. That was her dream, so I worked my tail off to provide. Now she has evicted me from the old home, yet hasn't gone back to work in a year. To continue to ensure my children have food to eat I continue to work my tail off. There was simply no way for me to have my kids more than this immediately after BD. In fact, I didn't even have a place to HAVE my children for the first 4 months as I stayed in a basement with friends. Now I am working hard with my attorney to get to 6 days/14, and eventually 7. But it is hard, because each step requires me to seriously change my work schedule and handle more than ever before, on top of doing everything that my SAHM wife used to do.

I am doing it, but it is slow, courts are slow, L's are slow.

POINT IS- for the last 8 months this is the time I've had with my children, and I don't agree that I haven't been involved with their raising.

I am teaching my son to shave this weekend
I am the one that takes them to church
I am the one that is helping my son through his pain, doing some joint journaling exercises
I am the one trying to encourage them to read instead of watch TV by reading them books- real books. Currently on "Blubber" so we can discuss bullying in school.
Of course I could go on.

I see my children absolutely BLOOM when they are with me. I bring out things in them their mom doesn't.

I'm sure STBX thinks I'm the "fun dad" and that she's raising them, and that I'm just another friend she's letting them play with because she knows it's 'good for them'. That's fine. I know the truth.

She is equally important, and brings her own gifts, and yes, she has historically done most of the parenting and does quite a bit of the routine things.

I just couldn't sit back and indirectly be called an uninvolved dad.

Now- I know this wasn't your point, and you were definitely not aiming this at me, so I'm not tweaked or anything. Just speaking up for the dads doing everything they can. Thanks!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Zues126] #2600423
08/22/15 01:57 AM
08/22/15 01:57 AM
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Ginger1 Online
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Zeus, definitely not aimed at you. Or people or are one night a week or every other weekend dad's.

I was the main money earner. I still make more money. Actually our deal was I would work per diem, and I was a SAHM during the week and worked the weekends and brought home more money. I flipped my lcareer a bunch of times to accommodate our daughter.

It's his choice to be what he is. And when I say he is a one. Isn't a week every other weekend dad, that is not the issue. He chooses not to be involved in her actual raising. He likes the fun times, He has no clue of what she is doing in school, or how she is doing, ect. On the half a night a week he has her requests her homework be done, her be showered, ect. He doesn't get her involved in activities, or his interests.

He was picking her up directly from school one day and the school called me to make sure it was ok, even though he was on the list because the front office and teachers knew I was involved but never ever heard from him or saw him regarding anything.

It's not quantity of time, it's quality of time. And it sounds like your time is quality. And I wish, as my daughter wishes, my ex would have his small quantity be of quality.

You may not be uninvolved, but my ex kind of is uninvolved. I never said nor have I implied that dad's who have the amount of time my ex does are uninvolved. My ex tried to give up his week day when I changed jobs from the one I passionately loved to that of one with hours which worked for my daughter. He figured I wasn't working shift work anymore so he didn't have to deal with the work it takes in that one night of the week and he could only be an every other weekend dad. I wouldn't let him for our daughters sake. She'd miss her dad too much.

I could only wish my ex had the passion and desire to raise his daughter as you do. He simply likes his life as is. So please don't take what I said as dad's who have less time as it not being quality. Every situation is different.

Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Ginger1] #2600432
08/22/15 02:03 AM
08/22/15 02:03 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
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Wow Bond. Who's mindreading now.

I'm not mad at all just confused why people seem to be jumping to her defense. The family was comprised of the three of them. She has continually (according to the posts) willingly given up time with her S. She even agreed that S should move with HP.


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Ginger1] #2600433
08/22/15 02:08 AM
08/22/15 02:08 AM
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Thanks Ginger. I felt this was what you were saying, it's just a sore spot. I feel I made huge sacrifices to work a crazy stressful job and not spend all day with my kids because my STBX really wanted to...and she is super tight with all the teachers for all the grades, walks kids to school with other moms, knows all the neighbors, shoot, she's Mrs. Popular and everyone talks about how great of a mom she is and applauds her for being a heroic single mom...yet she's a single mom that is playing possum to look as helpless as possible to the courts to try to get as much money as me and the government programs as she can, the single mom that chose to be single, even breaking up her family. And I do have room to grow as a dad, but now it just is a lot tougher when I'm across town during half their lives. Yes, it burns me up. I am still angry about the D. Not constantly. Just when I hit these sore points. Thank you for letting me rant.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Ginger1] #2600434
08/22/15 02:09 AM
08/22/15 02:09 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,041
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Cadet Offline

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Ginger

Your ex is an idiot - and I never met him, but you know I can speak from personal experience.

He will wake up some day and probably do something horrible when he realizes what he has lost, then again he might
stay in a fog the rest of his life.

You are a great MOM and someone is going to figure out what a catch you are!

Thanks for participating here!


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Cadet] #2600541
08/22/15 01:35 PM
08/22/15 01:35 PM
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HP - You posted on one of my early threads. I just read through this thread... I'm glad your posting again.

I'm not going to fall in line with most of the group. So this may prompt so good discussion.

In reading I could see a couple things that stand out. 1 - you are uber focused on your goals and plan. I love goals and plans! But life is what happens between them. Don't be so rigid.

Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.
― Bruce Lee

Second, your W came to you, approached you with a fairly strong email baring her soul. Did it cover all the bases from DB perspective... No. It contained guilt but not remorse. But since when can one email accurately depict a persons mental state perfectly in 100 words. It seems as if the closer she comes the further you run.

You mentioned that you are open to reconciliation. Is it something you want? Surely going to FL will not get you that and you will spend thousands fighting her (IMHO it was ignorant to think that a mother was going to let you take her kid to another state. You should have realized how bad that would be regardless of what she said).

I believe in a way anger is driving you away from her. Which is understandable. my point is... If you want reconciliation (which I am sure is what your son wants and what is best for him, assuming reconciliation is possible), then test her instead of maintaining distant...

"X - Reconciliation is best for our family, but will require significant effort and growth as individuals and as a couple. My condition for this is the same, no OM. What do you want to do?"


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: mahhhty] #2601065
08/24/15 01:30 PM
08/24/15 01:30 PM
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WONKA, soory to hijack - but you can take a look see at Lost08's thread. He H is giving her the touchy feely mixed messages that Smothy's was and your early intervention may be useful. Thanks, Py


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: mahhhty] #2601093
08/24/15 02:45 PM
08/24/15 02:45 PM
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HPoirot, you're back! You disappeared so suddenly this winter, you had me worried... and very curious. I'm glad you're here. I just read this entire thread. Sometimes this kind of catching up is fun because you quickly get the resolution of the cliffhangers!

My IC told me early on that a separation is often the continuation of the relationship. I suspect this is what is happening between you and your WW. That the current dynamic where you dig your heels in anger and she overreacts is similar to what you had as a couple.

Both of you want to talk. Why is it not happening? You are both playing games now, guessing what the other really means, speaking in silences. Much like mahhhty, I wonder if you still want to reconcile. You say so, but I don't see much of it. I don't even see it in your goals. You seem to expect that she will change because you ignore her, that you follow your goals. I really like Starsky309's advice in general, but I admit here that he places the bar very high for your WW to clear before you can engage her. Maybe it's just me getting rusty at DBing.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Mozza] #2602740
08/30/15 12:56 AM
08/30/15 12:56 AM
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HPoirot Offline OP
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Hello everyone. Thank you for posting the interesting mini discussion here about being a part time but all that you can dad. I believe I have been all that I can be... but, in my case, it doesn't matter with STBX. It goes back and forth here... one moment she says I'm a great dad and have been generous and patient with her. Others I'm a non-communicative ass who needs the courts to take care of me.

I'm sick of it.

There are a lot of posts and questions here I've been intending to reply to. I am very sorry I have not yet.

Thing is, since I started this thread with her asking to talk about us... I've been feeling somewhat down again. Not feeling like writing these posts. No where near where I was at the start of this... but still.

As an update... I postponed my meeting with the lawyer. I could not afford $200 for an hour with him right now. I rescheduled for after September 7th.

In the meantime, I've been working on being more productive and happy in the face of my feelings. That has been going OK.

As for STBX... last night she sent me and email... "We desperately need to talk. Let me know when we can meet."

This after I have told her repeatedly I would discuss anything S12 with her over email.

I shouldn't be moved by things like this but I was a little and paid for it.

I replied "How can I help you STBX?" I actually thought about the response trying to be friendly. I thought it might be nice to talk. I allowed myself to think about an outcome.

Reply... "If you have to ask, I guess we still need that court date. You said you would get back to me ASAP about your move. Oh well."

Something like that.

I did not bite... "STBX. Yes, this is important. I will get back to you ASAP."

I'm tired. Sick and tired.

I realize I made a mistake believing she would not change her mind about S12 moving with me to Florida for 7th grade. I should have got the agreement she proposed legal right then.

Thing is... if I don't move... I may lose my job (they just fired most of my team) and have to take a job where I don't get paid as much and do not have the flexibility for S12 of working from home like I do now.

So, I'm just going to make my case to her... let her know all about my job status... re-propose her proposal... and say I'll pay part of her travel to FL for visits, visit S12 here once a month until he moves, and pay for the lawyer to make the agreement legal.

If she can't do that, I file with the lawyer for custody and to have S12 move with me. That and I stop paying for the private school here if the lawyer says that is a good idea. I'll homeschool S12 if it comes to that.

I'm sick of being threatened with court by this person if I don't answer an email on her schedule.

To answer question... yes I am open to R... but not at any cost. My priority are the goals for me and S12 like the move. I'm at the point now where I have to set up possible Florida schools for S12 and find a place to live b/c I can't stay in this condo past December.

I'm going to send her the email explaining the situation by Monday. If she doesn't agree to basically her own proposal... lawyers will have to figure it out.

Am I wrong?


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: HPoirot] #2602745
08/30/15 01:12 AM
08/30/15 01:12 AM
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HPoirot Offline OP
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Forgot to say... Mozza... about the high bar for her to engage me...

I made clear in January that, under current conditions, I would engage her only about S12 and only over email. She has been testing me on that constantly since then.

At the beginning of this thread, when she asked if I would be willing to talk about us, I said yes I would be willing. Just not while she was in contact with OM.

That is more than reasonable. If she really wanted to talk... that is a low bar to hurdle. Her decision told me all I needed to know.

I would say I'm not digging in heels angry. I'm just keeping my word and respecting myself. It's clear and consistent.... no R talks with someone who is not really there with me. No convincing or pleading or name calling(like she still does... this time about me not moving and saying I'm not wanting to be a consistent part of S12's life by doing so).

If someone has a better way for me to do this... please I want to know. Her letter baring her soul about talking about us sounded like more "why can't you just do what I want you to do" which she immediately took back when I tested her. When I tested her on her proposal to make the move to Florida with S12 agreement legal... she immediately took it back.

I was warned of this type of behavior when I first got here and still I didn't say "I'm not going to be manipulated anymore" and go to a lawyer.

So now I'm going to a lawyer.

What else can I do?


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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