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Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: SunnyB] #2600079
08/21/15 01:52 AM
08/21/15 01:52 AM
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Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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HP,

You've received a ton of advice, guidance, tips, and helpful information here.

My suggestion is to step back from this for a while. I would want to confer with the L and really tell her/him what you just said to us here. Ask for legal advice from the L and it also wouldn't hurt to seek a child psychologist for input as well.

For now, I would not respond to W's email. You need to gather some more information before you make any concrete decisions. A few more days would not hurt at all.

I get that you don't want to miss this great opportunity to chart a new life for yourself and S12. My mother moved several states away when we all were very young and we weren't 'damaged' as we were allowed to visit our relatives and father. Yeah, we all dealt with it when the move took place. This isn't the first nor the last time that a divorced parent moved several hours or states away with the child/children.

The MAIN thing is that the children be allowed to have a R with the other parent through phone calls, letters/cards, and holidays/trips.

Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Wonka] #2600112
08/21/15 04:24 AM
08/21/15 04:24 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
Godless NW
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bravo61 Offline
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Let me be the one to remind everyone that she has been a crappy mom. HP I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings but come on. These are some of the consequences of divorce. Why should she be coddled. It's not as if he is doing this out of spite. This was a plan for a long time. She has decided to remove herself from the family by cheating. Come on people, is it because she's a mother? He's taking a brave step in moving forward in his life and she's pulling the "but I'm his Mom" card. Guess what, he's his Dad and he is showing more moral character than she has. Just my two cents.

Let the verbal onslaught begin.


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: bravo61] #2600129
08/21/15 07:08 AM
08/21/15 07:08 AM
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Posts: 1,129
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Vapo Offline
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Vapo  Offline
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Bravo,

cheater or not, she is still a mother. Don't you go messin' with mother's feeling towards her child, that is just not right on so many levels...

Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Vapo] #2600149
08/21/15 10:35 AM
08/21/15 10:35 AM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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bravo61

"She has decided to remove herself from the family by cheating. "

No. She decided to remove herself from HP. Not her son.

When you first came here you said you had alot of anger issues to work on. From reading many of your posts, it seems like you have a long way to go.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: MrBond] #2600156
08/21/15 11:11 AM
08/21/15 11:11 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Zues126 Offline
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Zues126  Offline
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I think we all agree with slowing down, not responding, getting some legal and counseling advice.

HP, I can understand how galling it can be that a woman that left you can still, through your child together, manipulate the options on how you can live your life. And in this case it can feel like being jerked around on a leash.

Trust me, I get it. D is horrible and violating on so many levels.

I've thought about what the worst betrayal would be. Have you seen those movies where a guy is doing something illegal to make really big money (like the guy in Blow, or some Mob movie)? You know, the guy is making bank, he is wining and dining his woman. Then the moment he's in any trouble she turns on him, maybe even calls the police and turns him in, and laughs as he gets hauled to jail. She keeps his kids from visiting and vindictively taunts him about how she's got a new man now and they're better off without a loser like him...

To me that would be the bottom of the bottom. Locked up. Woman turning on you and remarrying. Keeping the kids from you. And skewing their reality so they are mad at you for leaving them and hurting their mom. Meanwhile you're doing laundry and fighting off guys with broomhandles.

But I've realized- if that is what happens, that is what happens. Whatever will be, will be. If God wants me in a prison, then I will try to find appreciation for the life he has given me regardless. It's called unconditional love. I love God and my life unconditionally. If I need STBX, or certain things in my life to be able to be grateful, then I will be miserable, because that's not how it works.

Point is once I was able to accept the thought of my 'worst case scenario' the idea of STBX jerking me around a bit didn't bother me as much.

She can't control you. She can only influence your external life. You are not your external life. You are the person inside that decides how to process all of it. So you are a free bird my friend. Glad you ranted. It's honest. Now work through some of that and be the free bird you want to be!

Last edited by Zues126; 08/21/15 11:12 AM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Zues126] #2600187
08/21/15 12:48 PM
08/21/15 12:48 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 760
USA
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RAI Offline
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Hey Zues, sounds like "the work" by Byron Katie. Well said.

HP, it really [censored] that someone who has made (is making) such bad choices has an equal say in raising S12, and I totally get it. I am stuck in my current town even though I wish I could just move away - and I have offers everywhere. I think we all just have to have faith that everything is happening the way it is for a reason and believe that good will come even from the most infuriating things. We are in the middle of the story, and we don't know how it ends. I am sorry you are stuggling with this. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I just wanted to chime in and join in the chorus of those who are saying you should sleep on things for a bit.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Zues126] #2600213
08/21/15 01:41 PM
08/21/15 01:41 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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HPoirot Offline OP
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HPoirot  Offline OP
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Good morning SunnyB, Wonka, bravo61, Vapo, MrBond, and Zues126. I really appreciate your advice, encouragement, and 2x4s. I feel after all the great feedback that I have a way forward.

First, "doing what works" for me right now is ensuring I can peacefully take steps towards my goals everyday. I have specific emotional (confident happiness), parental (teach S12 to happily build whatever life he wants), lifestyle (living in my own home in Fl with S12), financial (make at least $1k a day with my business), career (honorably resign from my job eventually), and fitness (get back down to 190lbs at <15% body fat) goals.

The peaceful part of that is important. So I do not reach out to STBX, I do not see her, do not respond to her tirades, and I am simple and direct about anything I need from her (which up to now was very little).

One thing I have not done consistently is simply acknowledging her with a return email in a timely way when appropriate. So many of her emails (the only way I left for her to contact me) I find inappropriate and repetitive, so I delay even looking at them all and then take my time to respond simply b/c I'd rather think of and work on other things.

(What I did do, a few weeks ago, was send her an email calling out some of her recent unacceptable behavior and listing how I won't respond to them after she accused me of not responding to her. I said "I will not respond to your panic" among other things. The email worked for me b/c it shut down her thrashing and at me. Instead of worrying if I'm antagonizing her... I just state facts. In the process, she basically admitted she sends inflammatory emails and threats simply b/c I don't respond.)

One thing I see she has found out is if she can do something to me, then I have to respond. So she will threaten to take me to court for custody b/c she says she's afraid I'm not going to pay tuition and set a date. I respond reminding her I paid over $10k in tuition so far this year, and I paid for her rental cars, and storage for all our stuff, and life insurance for months, and she owes me almost $1.3k, etc. Then she thanks me, apologizes, and cancels the court date. I've allowed this to become a cycle. This is why I want legal agreements to end it.

All that to say, now I'm adding to my arsenal I simple reply to appropriate emails... "STBX. I'll get back to you on this ASAP." Simple courtesy.

This was suggested to me a while back but I never did it. Now I will to give her some acknowledgment while giving me time to respond in a way that works.

So I did this last night in response to her "I can't believe you're moving" email.

I got this quick response...

"Sure. I hope you're well. I I have been feeling so bad lately about so many things. Im really worried about how all of this is impacting S12 and the thought of you leaving really makes me feel such a sense of despair. I worry a great deal about it. at any rate I know you have to do what's best for you but I just really wish you could delay your move."

Which is about what I expected from experience. Some relief that I responded and an expression of her feelings about how terrible things are. Does this every time.

So, on Sunday I will send her an email. I will acknowledge her feelings of despair and worry, tell her of course I know how S12 must have us both in his life, say I want to work with her on this and I think it can work (repeating her words from her proposal), remind her I am moving to build a life for me AND S12, give her details about where I'm moving and that the location is about S12 (other kids, school, security, fun, etc.), and make a proposal which is basically her proposal plus my offer to pay for 70% of travel expenses to visit S12 as much as possible. I'll say we could set a travel schedule and I would look out for deals and purchase tickets in advance to make it as easy as possible on her. I will also ask her to let me know her concerns b/c I want to address all of them. I will tell her that her comfort with everything is important. I'll offer to pay 70% for the lawyer to make the agreement legal. I'll offer to go with S12 to sessions with the IC about the move.

I'll post that email when I come up with it.

I'll still see the lawyer. Still get my options.

B/c I agree with all... S12 needs his mom and if she's changed to where she is now in despair about seeing him and/or me move... well that's good.

If I can move with S12 and make sure she feels like she has all the access she wants to S12 and S12 is happy... that's fantastic for all of us.

If it's possible, I have to ask to find out and then work my ass off to make it happen.

I can do that.

Onward.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: HPoirot] #2600224
08/21/15 02:09 PM
08/21/15 02:09 PM
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Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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HP,

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
All that to say, now I'm adding to my arsenal I simple reply to appropriate emails... "STBX. I'll get back to you on this ASAP." Simple courtesy.

This was suggested to me a while back but I never did it. Now I will to give her some acknowledgment while giving me time to respond in a way that works.

So I did this last night in response to her "I can't believe you're moving" email.


Good job with this brief response acknowledging her email.

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
So, on Sunday I will send her an email. I will acknowledge her feelings of despair and worry, tell her of course I know how S12 must have us both in his life, say I want to work with her on this and I think it can work (repeating her words from her proposal), remind her I am moving to build a life for me AND S12, give her details about where I'm moving and that the location is about S12 (other kids, school, security, fun, etc.), and make a proposal which is basically her proposal plus my offer to pay for 70% of travel expenses to visit S12 as much as possible. I'll say we could set a travel schedule and I would look out for deals and purchase tickets in advance to make it as easy as possible on her. I will also ask her to let me know her concerns b/c I want to address all of them. I will tell her that her comfort with everything is important. I'll offer to pay 70% for the lawyer to make the agreement legal. I'll offer to go with S12 to sessions with the IC about the move.


I wouldn't send out that email at all. I would suggest that you wait until after the L and the child psychologist consultation. W can wait a few more days. It is critically important that you gather as much information and guidance as you can BEFORE you email W.

I hope you're active in reaching out to some child psychologists now that you've booked the L session for this Tuesday.

Your W is spinning and her guilt is eating at her. It is her problem, not yours. Don't be reactive to W. You've got this with being Joe Cool.

Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: RAI] #2600233
08/21/15 02:30 PM
08/21/15 02:30 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,168
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Ginger1 Online
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Posts: 4,168
I rarely ever come by newcomers anymore. Somme strange force attracted me to this thread.

I have been going through this for 8 years. My ex left me for OW when my daughter was 6 months old. He is an every other weekend, one night a week dad, not really involved in her actual raising, but he's there and she loves him, nonetheless. He is remarried to OW also, for 4 years now.

He has been by no means a stellar father. I mean, he had an affair when his wife (me) was pregnant and left me for her when our daughter was an infant. I wanted to love out of our money sucking state when all this happened. We had ot short sale on our home, rentals are expensive being close to NYC, and I didn't have a whole lot of help here, just like I wouldn't have had anywhere else. I was an ICU nurse at the time and TX was offering us LOTS of money to move and work there. A bunch of coworkers did this. My ex said he would have given me permission if he could have her a few weeks in the summer. I just couldn't do it. I wanted my D to have a relationship with her father.

In my state the other parent has to sign off. And to rule regarding being a "crappy mother" well,crappy has to be pretty much abusive and neglectful. Extramarital choices are rarely ever taken into consideration. I know YOU want to go FL. But what about S12? Does he really understand the extent at which he will be away from his mother? Is he really OK with that? Does he really truly understand what that means? Florida witht he cousins sounds exciting, but I think he may not be putting together that means he can't see his mother on a regular basis.

This will go to trial if she doesn't agree. And he will probably have to undergo some rough questioning, meetings with child psychologists, so on and so forth.

I can understand going through all if HIS situation with his mother really is that awful and detrimental. But it doesn't sound like it is. She has made poor choices with the marriage with in turn, does affect him. Just as my ex did. And even does to this day. But I weight the crappy situations and I know my daughter is better off having her father accessible to her rather than us starting over somewhere cheaper and sunnier.

It really does stink, having to kind of build your life around the situation you chose not to be in. Believe me, I get it. A big portion of my life has to be worked around my ex and his AP/OW for my daughter's sake. But hey, we do what we gotta do, no matter how unfair it is.

I just urge you to think this all through. And not to make any decisions that come from a place of your ex not "deserving" to getting to keep her son close to her where you all currently live. Because oh man, if I went by what my ex doesn't deserve rather than by what my daughter does, life would be much much different.

Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Ginger1] #2600237
08/21/15 02:39 PM
08/21/15 02:39 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,129
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Vapo Offline
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Vapo  Offline
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Ginger, this is gold^^^^^.

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