CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: claire7] #2600008
08/20/15 10:03 PM
08/20/15 10:03 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
L
lost18 Offline
Member
lost18  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
I agree with Claire. I'm guessing you W was in a totally different place emotionally in April than she is now. There is no way in hell I would let my kids move out of state and not be involved in their everyday lives.

Quote:
And I see now that I'll have to fight XW to have the life I want with my S12.


Sorry, but it's not just about you. I'm sure your son wants to move to FL, it sounds exciting...jet skiing and kite surfing. But I don't see how taking him that far away from his mom, unless she is an addict and/or abusive, is best for him. That's the Mom in me coming out.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: lost18] #2600012
08/20/15 10:11 PM
08/20/15 10:11 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,226
R
rd500 Offline
Member
rd500  Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,226
Hi. Two points if I may. You mentioned W wants to talk , did you explore this to see what's on her mind Ive followed your posts and while I completly agree you shouldn't be in R talks with W while OM is about , I would like to know what she's thinking

On the moving S to FL , how far is that for W to travel ? I agree it's sounding like a great life for S but I would have thought having his mum in his life as much as possible is best

Just my thoughts. Take care. Rd

Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: RAI] #2600015
08/20/15 10:14 PM
08/20/15 10:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
S
SunnyB Offline
Member
SunnyB  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
Claire I'm so glad you posted that. The mama bear in me has been coming out as well. I would never allow my D12 to move to a different state than me.

HP, not taking sides here. But I really get where your W is coming from.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: RAI] #2600018
08/20/15 10:27 PM
08/20/15 10:27 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
H
HPoirot Offline OP
Member
HPoirot  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
Just took some time to read threads and came across Sandi's latest LBH thread. It was a great reminder of all the lessons all of you kindly pounded into my head over my first few months here.

Basically, I have to keep moving in the best direction for me.

Something interesting I read there... getting to the point where the former LBH becomes the WAS. I remember one of my threads a few months ago where the joke was I was more WAS than LBH.

Now yes I am officially a WAS. STBX says that she feels I want a D and is asking me to reconsider my move to Florida. While none of my actions are tactical anymore, it seems I have that "as if moving on" moving well.

This is a natural extension of that. My work offers to pay for me to move to a place where I have friends and family. I great place to live with great schools. It's what I want.

Even so claire and RAI... As you know I don't want D or S for my family. Even now I would prefer my family to be together and would be willing to work with someone serious about working with me.

But I want to be in Florida. STBX has known this for years. I know now it is not possible to rely on what she said in April but she laid out a plan for that to happen. I agreed to the plan. She even suggested she would look for a job there.

Now she's acting like that didn't happen.

I know that's typical and "don't believe what they say." But this can happen as she says and be a good thing for all of us. I don't want S12 to be away from his mom but at the same time I have an opportunity to have the life I want. More sun... more travel... less taxes... a job working from home... S12 having is cousins to play with in a yard. All great things.

So yes I'd like to reach out to her, remind her of HER proposal, say I want to work with her to make it work, and then make it work.

I have an appointment with a lawyer now on Tuesday. $200 just to confer with him for an hour. I don't want to do that.

What can I say now better than this?... "I understand what you're saying STBX. I am moving to Florida. Let me know your specific concerns with S12 starting 7th grade there. I want to work with you to address all of them."


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: HPoirot] #2600027
08/20/15 10:47 PM
08/20/15 10:47 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
H
HPoirot Offline OP
Member
HPoirot  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
Hello lost18, rd500, and SunnyB. I told STBX from the beginning I don't want her to be away from S12. If you read her proposal about how I could move to Florida, she mentioned looking for a job there herself. If that is not what she wants anymore, I would be willing to help pay for her visits.

So yes I can propose all these things to STBX and try to find a compromise (again).

Or I can take my case to the court and risk not winning.

Or I can just move and explain it the best I can to S12.

STBX would not be able to take care of S12 as she would like without me and my paycheck and my flexible schedule to support her.

Then there is the $1.2K I pay every month for tuition. More than I understand the court would give her for child support. Am I just to keep paying that when I would rather send him to another school?

Wouldn't I be backsliding by caving to this latest guilt trip letter?

And shouldn't I call her saying I'm leaving S12?


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: HPoirot] #2600031
08/20/15 10:51 PM
08/20/15 10:51 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Zues126 Offline
Member
Zues126  Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
When STBX asked me to leave the house I was devastated. My M was over. My life as I knew it was no more.

She proposed I visit the kids every other weekend and one night a week. At that moment I was under extreme emotional duress. I had a full time job and had to keep working. I didn't have a place to have time with the children. I didn't know if I'd be able to manage having the children more than that anyway as I'd been a distant father compared to the man I was now. I agreed to that schedule for the time being, and may have even implied that would be ok with me.

Since then I've gotten my own place. I'm in a healthier place emotionally. And I am a great father. Most importantly, the children NEED me. They are blossoming around me, I can actually see them bloom while we engage together. They need their mom too, but we bring different things and I am so grateful I have this time with them and they are getting what they do need from me. It is making them healthier and happier children.

Now we are in mediation, and may go to court. I am not going to accept less than 50% parental time, even if that means we go to 6/14 nights for a year and then 7/14 going forward when the youngest is in school. STBX doesn't like that it's "disrupting their schedule during the school year". She disrupted it by asking for a divorce. She has already hurt my children enough by modeling the behavior of walking out on a marriage, she isn't going to hurt them more by depriving them of their dad. There is a chance that we can work this out L to L, but if not I am prepared to go 12 rounds in the courts if I need to.

This is regardless of what we discussed the first few months after BD.

A parent should ALWAYS have access to their children if they want it. I don't care what she said. I don't care if she changed her mind. I don't even care if she's doing this to control/manipulate you. She's being available as a mother to your child. There is absolutely nothing in FL, money, sun, alligators, NOTHING, that can replace the loss your child will incur if you try to deprive your child of their mother.

Personally I don't think the courts would even consider that request with a mother that wanted to stay involved. A 6 month old email exchange is not a binding contract, not enough for the courts to rule against a mother and child having a relationship. I'm no L, that just seems obvious.

I think you got way too carried away with this, I think you jumped the gun on the move, and I think you're making a terrible mistake to even try to fight this one. Not only won't you get what you want, you'll be setting the stage for a severely adversarial coparenting relationship, and your child will eventually learn of your attempt to take their mother away (which is how they'll see it).

PS- I love FL too. Alligators and SunnyB. If I didn't have family here I'd be halfway through Georgia by now...

Last edited by Zues126; 08/20/15 10:51 PM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Zues126] #2600035
08/20/15 11:08 PM
08/20/15 11:08 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
L
lost18 Offline
Member
lost18  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
Well said Zues!

By the way, it's not about you backsliding or caving to her manipulations...it's about S12.

I am not a lawyer, nor do I know the laws of your state but I don't think you would win taking him out of state, most D's that I've heard of you have to stay within so many miles. I'm just guessing tuition would be separate from child support and of course public school is always an option.

Good luck.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: lost18] #2600056
08/21/15 12:23 AM
08/21/15 12:23 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
H
HPoirot Offline OP
Member
HPoirot  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
Hello lost18 and Zeus126. In this state, I understand I would at least have to submit to the court for permission to take S12 to live out of the state. I would have to provide where we're moving, school district, why we're moving, family and support system there, etc. The other party would then have 60 days( I think) to accept of reject that. If it is reject, then the case goes to court.

My court submission among other things would say... I'm moving for my job... I have family in the area... his cousins go to a school where his aunt is on the faculty... we'd be moving to family centered school district... I would help pay for STBX's visits as much as possible... etc.

Zues, your point is good. In my case, though, my STBX was many months into our sitch. She suggested even before I moved out of the house with S12 that she would allow S12 to live with me in Florida if she could visit him often. I will help her with that.

I have reminded her this whole year that I am moving to Florida. Took S12 to Florida over sprig break to look around and see what it would be like. She even called the school in Florida to find out what it would take for S12 to go there. It was then that she proposed the move for 7th grade option.

Plus, I understand how a mama bear would not let her cub go out of state. But note STBX in her email says she would consider delaying the move to 8th grade on condition that I talk with her and have a better relationship with her. She is just delaying it... again throwing me a crumb as is her pattern. And again with the "talk with me and co-parent" words when I have told her repeatedly that I am available over email, have agreed to all her schedules, have helped her by keeping S12 when he can't, have helped her with money for cars and storage and health insurance, have taken S12 for is haircuts and bought him new clothes and kept up with his lessons and more all without her prompting or help.

This is someone who skipped Christmas with S12 and was the one talking about her dream of us living in separate cities and sharing S12 on the holidays while she was gaslighting me.


So, yes I'm feeling frustrated now and a little angry that she would ask me to reconsider a move to Florida after all that. Doubly that she would say I'm leaving S12 and that she can't believe it when this is a result of the proposal SHE MADE and I accepted.

But your right that means nothing and I am venting.

I still have not replied to her accusing me of leaving my son. Now I don't know what to say.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: HPoirot] #2600061
08/21/15 12:35 AM
08/21/15 12:35 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
H
HPoirot Offline OP
Member
HPoirot  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
Worse than that... I see now her proposal in April was just another crumb to get me not to move with S12 last June. Now that we are near fall and I have to arrange for school in Florida and the moving momentum increases b/c I asked for the legal agreement THAT SHE OFFERED, she throws me another crumb about "maybe 8th grade" and tries to shame me as someone who would leave his son.

This is what I'm dealing with. Yes I messed up by not just getting the legal agreement the moment she mentioned it.

I make this difficult time in her life easier by being so flexible and agreeable with my time. She simply gives me more days that she scheduled whenever something comes up for her or when S12 asks. Then she'll just come to visit him for lunch.

She knows I would spend everyday with S12 and takes advantage of that so she can do as she likes while still acting like a great mom for her friends.

I one of her latest emails she said I had the audacity to say I wanted an agreement about moving to Florida before moving ahead with 6th grade tuition. If I dare to say what I want in life, I'm audacious. If I leave town for a few days without explanation, I'd be wrong if it interrupted her plans.

It's not about S12 living away from her b/c with every crumb she offers that. It is about her convenience and people's perception of her.

Wow ranting again. Have not done this in a while.

Am I wrong to want to move on with my life in a place I want to be while offering to help STBX see S12 as much as possible?

Would I be wrong to go to court for that? Even if S12 knows that I want his mom to be with him in Florida?


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: HPoirot] #2600071
08/21/15 12:55 AM
08/21/15 12:55 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
S
SunnyB Offline
Member
SunnyB  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
HP, it very well may be that W was just playing you saying she would allow the move in April, and if you had pressed for a legal agreement then you wouldn't have actually gotten it. So don't beat yourself up over that any more.

What we momma bears are reacting to is the idea that you'd take S to FL and leave mom behind, just because she said that might work a few months ago. Just because you feel like it. BUT, and this is huge for me, if W said she'd move to FL and get a job there, well, then, in my opinion, that takes care of it. She has the opportunity to see him as much as she wants. If she moves.

So, for me, it all boils down to, is the plan for you to take S to FL and leave W behind, or is the plan for W to move down as well. To me, that's a critical difference. After all, a court can't force her to move, and a court can't prevent you from moving, but they can determine where S lives. And that would be a shame, in my opinion. It's his parents job to look out for his well being, M or not.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004