legally separating

[beckyb]

Jedi,

You are right. I do want to maintain a connection. And I feel sorry for by sweet kitty who loves my H very much. She'll just have to adjust.

[jedi]

I think it's perfectly normal to want to grasp onto anything you can to keep a connection. I certainly did the same when I first came here. I still do have some connections, but for me I know see that I need to sever those as well. Connections will only make it harder for you to detach and move forward.

Detaching is so hard to do, and I'm still working on it. It does get easier every day though. Getting out, enjoying life and focusing on you with the added component of time will get you to a good place.

Have you read DB/DR yet? Or perhaps 5LL, or any of the books often mentioned here? I've found that each has helped understand relationship dynamics, and is also a good way to spend time when you don't have GAL things going on.

[beckyb]

I have read most of DR and I get it. Just very hard.

[beckyb]

So a petition for legal separation has been file. I filed because he wouldn't end the affair or move voluntarily. The legal filing got him moving. H has started moving things to storage and will not be living here after Aug. 6th, although he will have to come back and get furniture for his apartment before August 18.
I have some evidence that OW may be moving in with him but he denies it. She lives in NJ. We live in Mo. She grew up in Mo. and has family here. H said her husband knows and I also have evidence that she is planning to leave him. (all circumstantial)
H had done nothing to indicate he is will end EA and has not reached out to me emotionally or physically in a couple of months. (since the time I think they first spent the night together).
He is isolating himself from friends/family but texts/talks to OW constantly. She is the only voice in his head.
I am trying to GAL but have told him that if we ultimately divorce it is up to him. I don't ask him to end the affair or try to convince him to save the marriage. I don't say I love you.
I pretty much think our marriage is hopeless. Trying very hard to detach and move on. This really [censored].

Me: 53 1st marriage
H-48 - 2nd marriage
H has grown kids
Married 13 years
DB/EA - 6/25/15
I filed for separation 7/20
H moving out

[beckyb]

H is moving out and I'm 99% sure it's with the OW. This is absolutely killing me and makes me want to give up. She lives 1000 miles away. I'm pretty sure she plans to leave her husband and come here. She grew up in our area.

I have not ask much at all about OW. This morning I did send a "probing" text, which he has not replied to.

Me are in the process of legally separating and I am not living in the home while he moves out.

Thoughts? Advice?

[AnotherStander]

Very sorry you're going through this! Unfortunately your H is on a long journey of self discovery and there is nothing you can do to help him get through it quicker, he's got to do it at his own pace. That may very well involve moving in with OW. Eventually he'll discover that HE is the problem rather than you, but it could take months of living with OW before he comes to that realization and starts addressing his demons. In the meantime YOU have to work on YOU. Read DB over and over again. Get out. Get a life. Move on without him. You may very well get no reply to that probing text, stuff like that is pressure and the WAS hates pressure of any kind. Read Sandi's rules at least once a day and live those rules! Good luck!

[beckyb]

Thanks. I am working on GAL and read Sandi's rules regularly. None of my friends and family understand why I have not filed for divorce. My husband has a lot of issues to work through.

[beckyb]

Ok, I did something stupid. I was dying to know if OW was moving in with H. I called the apartment complex H is moving to and pretended to be her asking for the exact street address. They did not have her down as a resident, nor had she filled out an application. I said no big deal I'd get the paper work from my "fiance". They said ok but they would make a note my file. If they say something to him I'm busted. What should I do?

[jedi]

I hate to say this, but this is why snooping is really frowned upon here. It's a no win situation because either you find out something that's going to just hurt more, or you get caught snooping when there wasn't anything to find and end up where you are now.

Everyone makes mistakes, so this one thing isn't going to be the end of your M. Learn from this and move on, dont give it any more head space.

GAL is great, but are you looking inward as well and trying to become the best BeckyB that you can?

Even if you'd found out OW was moving in, how would that really change anything right now for what you need to do? Let all that be what it is for now, it needs to run it's own course.

Time to really start focusing on you!

[beckyb]

Jedi, I know! It was stupid. And I had stopped almost all snooping but then got really consumed. No more!

It doesn't really make a difference if she is moving in or not. Just hard to let it go.

I am getting better and better at GAL. Sleeping more and starting to make plans.

Today is a new day. Time to let it go.