I am touched that people still read my thread. Thanks RD, Zues, Toots, Jefe, and Gan for checking in on me. You guys are the best.
Being called an inspiration surprises me. I'm just a middle-aged mom whose husband left her, one of a million. But overall, I'm happy with my life, I have my kids, I have new friends alongside my old friends, I have stable finances (but see below). I am busy. I didn't pick this, I didn't want this, but it has turned out not to be the devastating thing I envisioned. And that's the one message I hope the newcomers pick up on.
Time marches on and we are coming up on 8 months of S, over a year since BD. I am almost certain I'm going to ask him to file for D at a year of S. I am weighing the pros and cons of that financially, and I think I'm willing to take on the risks. That's a huge step for me. If we keep things as they are now, S but nothing legal, I will be taken care of, bills paid, kids school paid, emergency funds available. If we separate things, I'll be on my own. It's scary. But I don't think I can truly move on without it.
Interesting turn of events today. H emailed me about a significant charitable contribution he wanted to make, a commitment to be paid over five years. I pointed out that this gift would need to be part of a bigger discussion of what happens with us legally in the next five years. Bottom line is that we agreed to proceed with D, all the while never using the word. We committed to a future conversation about intentions and expectations and time frames. Oh boy.
Hi Sunny, it sounded from your previous post that you were leaning towards D soon yourself in any case. Better perhaps to have agreed things between you & I hope you're feeling okay about this as a way forward.
From your recent posts it sounds as though you are in a good place and I'm pleased for you that this is the case. Interesting that the D word was never used. Why is that do you think??
Hope you are doing ok with everything anyway xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Toots, you are correct that I was leaning towards D myself. My plan was to wait until September, which was a pre-defined "check-in" time, hoping that I would be settled into a new job by then. Then I was going to ask H to file. Today I didn't specifically ask him to file but did state that I did not intend to live in limbo forever and we needed to have a conversation about what we need to do next. I do feel OK about this, it just seems like a business transaction at this point. I have no doubt it will be an emotional process, but today I'm fine with D as being the answer to this journey that started over a year ago.
I don't know why neither of us has ever said "divorce". Years and years ago we had a friend-couple go through a D, and I remember so clearly that in the beginning of their troubles, the H had told the W that "I'm not sure I love you anymore". Both my H and I viewed that as the kiss of death to the R and that he shouldn't have said that if he had any hope of working it out. I guess we are just both aware that words can't be un-heard, and don't want to say something we regret later. I know that when I say "D" I'll mean it and won't have to peddle backwards after.
Hey Sunny, thanks for keeping us posted. Yes, the process will probably be upsetting. I'm learning as I go through mediation that there is far more being lost than the relationship with STBX. In many ways letting go of her is the easy part. Then again, I am better prepared for the difficult emotions and am in a strong enough spot to navigate through. I'm a long way from feeling I don't have a life without her, and I know you're feeling that way too.
I still can't believe your H won't regret his decision. Sometimes that regret doesn't sink in for years, but women like you aren't dime a dozen. You can tell looking at all the LBH's on these boards. But either way, what's most important is that you'll always know you handled the situation like a champ. I guess that's all we get to do in our lives, control our responses to what happens.
So good job, and hope you have some good company and a few laughs this weekend!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, thanks for the kind words and the support. I am happy to have you as part of my tribe. You guys are very important to me.
Tonight I went to a movie with D12 and we had a great time. I'm paddleboarding in the morning and going to a comedy club tomorrow night.
I talk sometimes about dating and how I dipped my toe in with one guy but it wasn't right. And then I met a guy I'd love to date. Tall, handsome, smart, funny, successful, we have great conversations. And sadly, he also has a girlfriend. But I am happy to have him as my friend and it gives me hope that there's someone out there for me.
PP, I'm beyond thrilled be be able to deadlift again. It's just one of my favorite moves and its included in this phase of the program I'm following now (one of the New Rules series). The teenage boys at the gym don't even use the power cage very often much less DL. I get a few stares but I just keep my headphones in and head down. Ha!
The one thing I need to really work on is upper body strength. I signed up for an obstacle course run and I'm afraid I'll just be doing burpees all day if I can't get up the rope or over the wall. Time to get serious about mastering the pull up!
I wonder that too. It's obvious that people used to be able to contact one another and there seem to be some enduring irl friendships going on. But I'm sure there was a reason that was stopped. Who knows what that was. But my money is on Pink and RD.
Oh the deadlift. Now I'm swooning a bit myself. I have a photo of the day I pulled #400 off of the floor for the first time, that day and my wedding day are two that sit closest to my heart.
To master the pull up, start working negatives. Control the descent as much as possible all the way through the full range, don't spend more than 4 or 5 seconds on each rep and try to hold the last inch without just letting it go. 5 sets of 4 to 5 reps two or three times a week will serve you well.
Mix in some sets of single arm bent over rows and you're on your way.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
