Falling Pianos: Wayward Wife & LRT (8)

[Defacto]

So what's the plan now D? I've been feeling exactly the same way although I must admit your interactions with your WW are way better than mine. I'm as dim as I can be with her and the few times we've met have been pretty short in duration although she is displaying less anger these days.

NDY,
Yeah, that's a good question. It's important to reevaluate what my plan is going forward. Unfortunately, while I know it could be worse, a bucket full of civil interactions and a few R talks with STBX sprinkled in doesn't begin to repair MR.

I think my plan is to just continue on my current path. I am getting stronger each day. I am treasuring every moment with my kids and I am providing them a stable environment when they are with me. I am taking care of myself. I look and feel great. I am more creative, more contemplative these days and am doing things that I've always wanted to do. I didn't choose this path but I am definitely making the best of it.

I am patient but I am also fighting the false mindset that if I just wait long enough, STBX is bound to see the error of her ways. I am coming to terms with the idea that she is not coming back. I'm beginning to think that the popular image of a wayward emerging from some kind of fog is just a coping device that an LBS employs to give themselves hope and meaning in the face of utter despair. It's almost like the pot at the end of the rainbow to justify all of the suffering. While STBX might have regrets (she told me she is depressed), this can all be explained by the anxiety caused by her fear of an unknown future.

You know what? I'm okay with all of this. I can't and don't want to control her anymore. I haven't given up but I am slowly letting go of STBX as a source of my happiness and personhood.

[NDY]

I feel I let her go a while back. So every now and again I backslide but mainly I'm ok on my own. I understand your thoughts on 'the fog'. I've read everything sandi2 has written and as brilliant as he is and it's amazing how their M survived I just don't think I could go through half of what they did. This is leading me to think my DB days are drawing to a close. It won't make much of a difference to my life and I'll carry on regardless but for me it's done. Over.

[Bob723]

Hi Defacto,

I can't remember if you are a man of faith, but I'd like to pass this prayer on to you:

"Lord God, Your kindness never fails. I trust that You will be with me and have mercy on me every morning. I will depend on You from now on. Amen."

I hope you find some comfort in it. Hang in there, buddy!

Bob

[T384]

D -

Not that I'm trying to bring you down from you accepting the D but i think it's common that most WAS feel when the LBS truly lets go. A lot of people, including myself, say they drop the rope but it takes most a good while before the really let go.

You sound really great. Your kids are lucky to have you and so will a woman, whether it be your W or not.

[PigPen]

So what's the plan now D? I've been feeling exactly the same way although I must admit your interactions with your WW are way better than mine. I'm as dim as I can be with her and the few times we've met have been pretty short in duration although she is displaying less anger these days.

NDY,
Yeah, that's a good question. It's important to reevaluate what my plan is going forward. Unfortunately, while I know it could be worse, a bucket full of civil interactions and a few R talks with STBX sprinkled in doesn't begin to repair MR.

I think my plan is to just continue on my current path. I am getting stronger each day. I am treasuring every moment with my kids and I am providing them a stable environment when they are with me. I am taking care of myself. I look and feel great. I am more creative, more contemplative these days and am doing things that I've always wanted to do. I didn't choose this path but I am definitely making the best of it.

I am patient but I am also fighting the false mindset that if I just wait long enough, STBX is bound to see the error of her ways. I am coming to terms with the idea that she is not coming back. I'm beginning to think that the popular image of a wayward emerging from some kind of fog is just a coping device that an LBS employs to give themselves hope and meaning in the face of utter despair. It's almost like the pot at the end of the rainbow to justify all of the suffering. While STBX might have regrets (she told me she is depressed), this can all be explained by the anxiety caused by her fear of an unknown future.

You know what? I'm okay with all of this. I can't and don't want to control her anymore. I haven't given up but I am slowly letting go of STBX as a source of my happiness and personhood.

There's so much good in this Defacto. Think of all the pain you've had to go through to end up with such a strong and positive mindset. One that I'm sure your kids see and even though they may not be able to express it, are grateful for.

Keep focusing on you, on your goals, and on being an amazing father and you're going to be just fine my friend.

PP

[Defacto]

NDY, Bob, T0, & PP,

Thanks so much for your encouragement. The support that this place provides is absolutely tremendous.

Not much to report other than STBX feels compelled to give me updates on her house hunting LOL. I have the kids again tonight and will have Saturday night and Sunday to myself.
I'm thinking about taking the kids to some local gardens tomorrow and let them tiptoe through the tulips.

Here's to hoping I can convince one of my friends to host a True Detective viewing party on Sunday night.

[Defacto]

Journaling:
I'm having a great morning so far. I did a couple of exercises at work with some colleagues to get the blood flowing. Then, I picked up my new iPad from UPS so I can start preparing for my fantasy football draft next month.

STBX called later this morning but I didn't answer. Then she sent a TM.

STBX: I put an offer in on a house down the way from you. I like the idea of us all staying close together.

Me: Ok, good luck!

STBX calls again but I don't answer. She sends another TM.

STBX: I thought you would be happier to have us all nearby.

I get such a strange vibe from you. Like you really don't want me to be happy.

Me: Slammed at work right now...

Of course I want you to be happy. I also think it's great for the kids to be close by and near school.

STBX: Ok. It makes me feel better too. I want them to know their daddy is right there. Always nearby.
---
The old Defacto would probably stress out about this little text exchange with STBX. Sure, it's a little discouraging to see her so ready to make such a large post-MR financial investment, especially before D is even final.

However, that discouragement quickly subsides as I realize that it IS more convenient to have the kids close by. And, if STBX feels comfortable moving forward with purchasing a new house at this time, more power to her. She couldn't live with her parents forever.

I don't think this new development changes my approach. Am I wrong?

[NDY]

Don't know mate. Those with more experience will advise but probably no. My WW takes every opportunity to tell me how she's planning on renting nearby as well. I said exactly the same thing as you 'Good luck with the house'. But so far she's put very little effort into actually looking for a place whereas you WW has actually committed.

[Ripken8]

Defacto, I'm in the same boat, but maybe a little further along. Keep doing what you're doing. Always for you. The progress you made is amazing. I told my stbx earlier this week "I'm happier when I don't interact with you and at times, wish I didn't have to. But, we have kids, so that won't be the case". She told me she missed talking with me at times, I told her I missed the person I used to talk with, but she's gone and not sure she's ever coming back. I also let her know I'm almost done with the grieiving process for my wife that died, not the person who's left behind I have no desire to get to know.

It's not turning ugly, but I'm also not caring about what she does or says anymore. It's pretty liberating and great for GAL and spending time with my sons.

I wish you the best. Who knows if your stbx reactions are a sign of progress or not. Either way, you have to do you and see if who she is, is someone you even want, when/if it ever comes to that.

But, the way I see it, nothing changes.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Journaling:
I'm having a great morning so far. I did a couple of exercises at work with some colleagues to get the blood flowing. Then, I picked up my new iPad from UPS so I can start preparing for my fantasy football draft next month.

STBX called later this morning but I didn't answer. Then she sent a TM.

STBX: I put an offer in on a house down the way from you. I like the idea of us all staying close together.

Me: Ok, good luck!

STBX calls again but I don't answer. She sends another TM.

STBX: I thought you would be happier to have us all nearby.

I get such a strange vibe from you. Like you really don't want me to be happy.

Me: Slammed at work right now...

Of course I want you to be happy. I also think it's great for the kids to be close by and near school.

STBX: Ok. It makes me feel better too. I want them to know their daddy is right there. Always nearby.
---
The old Defacto would probably stress out about this little text exchange with STBX. Sure, it's a little discouraging to see her so ready to make such a large post-MR financial investment, especially before D is even final.

However, that discouragement quickly subsides as I realize that it IS more convenient to have the kids close by. And, if STBX feels comfortable moving forward with purchasing a new house at this time, more power to her. She couldn't live with her parents forever.

I don't think this new development changes my approach. Am I wrong?

Been tied up awhile.

IMO....this sure sounds like she's gone back to super foggy which is an indication that the affair is back on (or never stopped) and/or she's dating someone else.

Thinking back I probably should have had you stress more that any shot at reconciliation or even talk of reconciliation requires she leave that job. No contact is step one to any reconciliation. It's why I like some snooping (not obsessive snooping) because information is key to effective strategy. Based on her pursuit I presumed the affair was done and over (like you, I hoped). Should have known the entitled narcissistic doctor wouldn't give up his family AND his side piece so easy.

If you were my friend in real life I'd have you now confirm continued contact, tell OM's wife again and then, in response, tell your wife you still would like to want to want her and your marriage but you aren't going to continue to allow her to abuse and use you while she remains in her affair. Until she quits her job and ends the affair you will remain completely dark on her to the point of having an intermediary read all email, no phone calls, text only if the kids are in the hospital (and block her if she abuses it) and a neutral drop off point where you don't see or speak to her whatsoever (and she doesn't get to see or speak to you).

Disabuse her of the notion that you're all in on this live down the street from one another as "besties" and that is what is healthiest for the kids. Your kids need YOU healthy and that, if the affair continues, is best achieved by distancing yourself completely from your abusive spouse. It's also modeling proper behavior to your children. You aren't obligated to be friends with her "for the kids".

While DARK...continue your GAL but without seeing, writing to or talking to your wife whatsoever. Her (or OM) ending the affair first and going "no contact" is the only way you'll consider moving forward with any relationship whatsoever.

That, of course, would be the best plan to save your marriage and family FROM divorce. If divorce is your plan (which as a betrayed spouse you have every right to pursue), then playing along nicely with her wayward delusion of "happy" co-parents and getting the best divorce deal possible is likely the best course of action. IMO, once you achieve the divorce you are best off distancing yourself completely from your then ex-wife for at least one year (intermediary for all communications even text messages AND neutral child exchange person so you don't see or speak to your then ex-wife). Of course, true repentance can mediate that time; however, forgiveness doesn't require reconciling of the relationship (friendship/marriage). The reason for this is simple. Waywards, for as long as they continue down their destructive path are toxic. Misery, pain, depression, anxiety, accidents, hostility, etc. follow them and those around them like flies on elephant carcass. Your kids need at least one emotionally, mentally and physically safe parent to look out for them and their needs. Let your (ex) wife run her own circus.