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#2585082 07/06/15 07:37 AM
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Hi. I don't know who is still around that would remember me, but here I am, whole, happy, and divorce final at the end of July. I am relieved. My ex ran rings around me, for several years he kept me on a puppet string. I was still in love with him, and wanted to "win" him back. Fool that I was. I never knew how he felt, what was happening, and he would give just enough to keep me around.

I found the scissors to cut the strings and escaped. I got a lawyer last year, and the rest is history, of course, with twists and turns. He would not respond to legal letters, he would be out of the country for months at a time. Then, his father passed away, and he went to see him before he died, and stayed to organize the funeral, etc. So, he only got back at the end of February 2015. A lawyer's letter was sent which he ignored. Finally, it got to the point that we had to appear in front of the judge. I was surprised that he actually turned up. He asked my lawyer if we could take a moment, and figure a few things out. I agreed. By the time we got to the judge, my lawyer could outline our agreement. I'm now been signed and registered in the courts. I will be getting a good alimony, etc. I won some, and lost some, but ultimately, I will be okay.

So, a lesson for me, and a report to you. I am no longer in love with my STBX, and cannot imagine being with him. It was a long, bumpy road. Now he looks different, acts different, smells different, even our children have noticed it. He is a completely different man to the one I married 29 years ago. He has a GF who he has introduced to my children and grandchildren, much to their dismay. My son asked him not to come with the GF on Father's Day, so he didn't spend a lot of time with them, but they're adults now, and have no expectations from him, even though they do still love him. I live in the marital home with my daughter/SIL and three grandchildren. I am not interested in meeting this woman, one of many in a long line of mistresses, I have no doubt. I feel a little sorry for her. But, not my business. I am sure he is still the passive-aggressive, secretive a$$hole that I used to know and love.

I look forward to my future. I am strong, and brave despite all the negative things that have happened to me, including my brain cancer which has receded, but I still have to have yearly MRI's. But so much positive things have happened too. I have met new friends, and I live in a beautiful part of the world. Life is good, and I am thrilled with how things have turned out. I graduated last year with a BA in Creative Writing, and I have a good relationship with each of my children. I get lonely for a companion sometimes, but doubtless, one will come along in the future. I am leaving my heart open for it, but not particularly looking.

I have learned a lot about myself, have grown through the pain of my separation/divorce. I have unpacked my baggage, and my load is lighter. I am ready for the next chapter in my life. Next, lose 50lbs, finish writing my book, and be the best grandma ever. smile

So, I didn't bust my divorce, but I still feel like I won.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe #2585130 07/06/15 02:21 PM
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Hi Being!
I certainly remember you though I've changed my name here a few times. First Travelbarb then Barbie Doll now SunFun but it's still me.

I know it takes a while to get to the place you are at - some of us longer than others but that's not the point. The point is - you got there. And in one piece. And now you've taken off the Rose Coloured glasses & can see him for who he truly is/was. I can totally relate.

Congrats on your BA - that's awesome! And overcoming cancer - that's fantastic. Maintaining the good R with your kids/ grandkids is what it's all about. Let the kids & him figure it out. Mine are in a similar situation to yours - they love their dad but don't recognize him and they want nothing to do with OW.

Thanks for updating us. Nice to keep your heart open while living the best life you can. Sounds like you've got it all right!

Barb

BeingMe #2585151 07/06/15 03:23 PM
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HI BeingMe. Happy to hear of your success against cancer. I too am a cancer survivor. It's difficult to explain the emotional burdon of beating cancer and to also have to deal with a failing marriage is an incredible challenge. Thank God you are healthy and much more wise than you once were. I too hope to carry my new found wisdom with me the rest of my life however long it may be!


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2585171 07/06/15 04:41 PM
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Hi Being Me, I sure do remember you. So glad to hear you battled the cancer and that you finally were able to finalize things with hubby. It was a struggle but you made it!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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Hi Barb and Whatis, I remember you, and it seems all turned well for you as well. Shotgun, glad you beat cancer too. Cancer taught me something about life ... none of us survive it. Sickness is just around the corner and can bite you at the strangest, and worse moments. So, why then spend your time on Earth being miserable? While you're healthy and able, live your life to the fullest. My wanted to be friends, but I couldn't be friends with someone who has treated his family the way he has. For me, it came down to we either put every effort into saving the marriage or I walk away completely. He showed he wasn't going to put in any effort, so I had to walk away. I did this dance a few times until I didn't care whether he cared or not 'cause I didn't care. Now, it's too late, he can't come back, I don't want him. I cannot wait to be rid of him, and all the attachments (property, finances, etc.) are dealt with, so I don't even have to deal with him. I know, we have our children and I will have to see him sometimes, but I would like to keep it at a minimum. I feel nothing when I see him. On fathers day he came by the house, and I told him where the children were (at a lake with the grandkids dad). He looked at me for a few seconds as if he was going to say something. It wouldn't have mattered. He stepped up to me, and hugged me and gave me three pecks on the lips. I was unresponsive. A "whatever" attitude. Then he left on his motorbike, roaring down the road. I wanted to laugh. BTW, he does have the obligatory sports car of the MLCer.

I love this freedom of not feeling anything for him. He could be a dude walking down the street, and one I wouldn't even look at because of how he looks now. Not my type anymore. Apparently, physically speaking, I'm still his type because the GF kinda looks like me according to my son-in-law. It's just an interesting point.

Ultimately, when I look back on my marriage with clear eyes, I see a pattern of emotional abandonment, lying and cheating (and him telling me I'm imagining things or I'm jealous ... so NOT), never there as a husband or a father to the children. Most of the marriage I felt like a single mom, especially in the last 18 years of it. Yes, I own my part, over sensitive, nagging him to come home, not taking care of myself. So much more that I realized, and not the space to write it. Ha! Clarity is everything, and it will be a better relationship with the next person.

Sorry for the novel. I am a writer, so ....


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe #2585344 07/06/15 10:33 PM
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I've joined an online dating site, and found STBX's profile on that site, and blocked him from my profile. It didn't have a picture, and he hadn't been on for more than 30 days, but he and the OW have been fighting, apparently, so you never know ... he may need to replace, and I'd hate for him to find me on the site. Not his business, anyway.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe #2585356 07/06/15 10:52 PM
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Hi there girlfriend!

I'm so glad to hear from you and that you're doing well. Life is to be LIVED and these MLCers can sure take up a lot of time and attention that should be going into living our lives instead.

I have the same reaction when I see my ex now - he doesn't look the same, and doesn't look like anyone I would want to date. He married his young girlfriend (she's like 18 years younger - however, not one of his OW, she came along about a year after we broke up). I feel kinda sorry for her, she's a cute young thing married to a gray-haired old guy lol. Meanwhile by boyfriend is 6'3", handsome (looks like Seal), 8 years younger than me and treats me like a princess smile

On the cancer front - there is exciting new research about using old drugs, that were designed for different purposes, to treat cancers. Turn out mebendazole - an old pinworm medication - may be effective against brain tumors! If you go to pubmed website and put into the search engine " mebendazole AND cancer" you will turn up the articles. Since it is a cheap, safe old medication, it might be worth discussing with your doctor.

kml #2585358 07/06/15 10:53 PM
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(P.S. it's Ellie wink )

kml #2585508 07/07/15 07:11 AM
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Hi Ellie, I do remember you. We posted on each other's topics a lot. I was so busy with school, etc. that I stopped posting for a couple of years. I do feel sorry for anyone who gets involved with my STBX. I know what he's like, and I have no doubt that he has not done the work to find out who he is ... to reflect on where he went wrong in our M. I think that he feels he did nothing wrong. Therefore, he is the common denominator to dysfunction in any R. I, on the other hand, have been to counseling, read books, cogitated on my marital wrongdoings, discovered the personality traits that steered me wrong. I'm not saying I'm perfect and that there isn't more work to be done, but I am aware, and that's the step in the right direction, I feel.

Thanks for the tip on the old medication for brain cancer. So far, it has not returned, and I have hope that it won't. I will check out this medication and discuss with my doctor if it becomes necessary.

Take care. (Debbie)


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe #2585509 07/07/15 07:18 AM
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Ugh, I sound a little self righteous. I don't mean to be, but I know how much time I spent on self reflection and money spent on the psychologist.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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