Updates: after everything that's been going on, I decided to have a weekend largely to myself. Work out, do errands, go to Buddhist temple, watch movies, cook. Enjoy being by myself. Interestingly enough, it was nice. Right now, I'm not scared of being alone anymore, I'm starting to embrace it. Also, I'm forcing myself to get to know more people and increase my social circle.
I did get invited to a pool party yesterday with a live band and open bar. It was a great time. I felt confident, as I'm in the best shape of my life. My friend that invited me couldn't stop commenting about how great I looked, it felt good.
Finally I spoke with ww today, she called me because oldest son wasn't feeling well, he's better now. She talked about him, then went on to say she has a box of my things to pick up and how she's exhausted due to work and trying to get the house ready to sell, so all she wants to do is sleep. I just listened and validated where I could.
The thing is, that conversation didn't trigger me like it normally would have. I was glad she called about our son and I got to speak to both boys, that was nice. But normally convos about signs of her moving on, house for sale, pick up my things, etc would leave me in a bad place. I'm actually good.
Not sure if this is what it feels like to have the rope dropped, if I'm moving on or both. But, I like me. I'm a fun guy and I'm enjoying showing that to people and being around others who appreciate it.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Rip, This is an awesome post. I've noticed you aren't posting as much these days and I count that as a good thing. It's good to know that you feel great inside and out!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Defacto - Thanks. Yeah, I haven't been posting as much because I guess I'm surviving. I really am trying to do a lot of self work and exploration. I realize that I've taken ww's actions and the death of our M so personally because of what I felt it said about me. That someone that I respected, loved and trusted for 14 years would lie and cheat on me, because that's what I deserved. Because she never loved me and I wasn't worthy of it. That my marriage and family was over because I failed and I wasn't good enough.
Those parts effect me more than her. They are the core of just about all of my actions and past "errors". Social drinking to boost up esteem or confidence. Pursuing her because of the same reasons. Needing sex/physical connection because I sensed distance. Fear of being alone.
While I do force myself to go out and meet new people, so it's not as awkward, I also work to spend time alone in my thoughts, meditating, working out, just learning to enjoy it. Neither one of these two things are in my comfort zone, but they are starting to be. I'm no longer scared.
As far as ww, it's allowed me to communicate with her on the boys and even have chit chat about lighter things. Yesterday was my birthday and she was one of the first people to wish me a happy birthday, even taking my boys out to pick out a gift for me. Had zero expectations, so that was nice. However, it doesn't mean the world to me either. I no longer (at least right now) live and die by what she does or doesn't do.
I'm finally allowing myself to go through a transformation for the better and just concentrate on me. I'm not sure I'm doing anything different than what's been discussed or what others have advised of me. However, over the last 1-2 weeks, a light finally came on (AHA! moment) and I now feel like I can do them, without thinking. It's starting to be like breathing now.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Happy belated birthday, Ripken! I am also proud of you. I love that you are able to spend time alone in your thoughts.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Defacto - Thanks. Yeah, I haven't been posting as much because I guess I'm surviving. I really am trying to do a lot of self work and exploration. I realize that I've taken ww's actions and the death of our M so personally because of what I felt it said about me. That someone that I respected, loved and trusted for 14 years would lie and cheat on me, because that's what I deserved. Because she never loved me and I wasn't worthy of it. That my marriage and family was over because I failed and I wasn't good enough.
Hey Rip, Is this how you feel still or is this what you felt when this all began?
You did not deserve this before and you still don't. It was certainly a wake up call that you've answewd and are making changes towards being a better man.
Happy belated birthday, Ripken! I'm thinking about you, buddy.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thanks everyone - Zephyr - I don't really STILL feel like that. There's time when I have moments, but they are fleeting.
I realized those were things I need to continue to work on and get past for me. That way whether ww (which I don't know is possible due to her needing to work through things and what I know I deserve) or anybody else, I will be in a good place.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
