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I don't think it was such a mistake as you are making it out to be. It is her decision. That's the reality & she needs to understand that she has to be a bit patient.

That said, making her feel like you are still there for her if she chooses leaves her not having to feel the pain of being left by you as well as her leaving you. It is one thing to feel like you are in control & it's the other person's problem. But you moving on will still likely sting her. It has to be genuine of course. She'll see through a fake. But she's in a rush to make the pain go away. If she knows that you are moving on then it is harder to believe that the pain will stop once the D is signed.

Hang in there. No matter how much we prepare, it has to be tough to actually get to that stage.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Hi Mozza, I wouldn't worry too much. It was a bit of a truth dart really. No one little exchange ever broke or mended things - only lots of incremental things over time.

I think you should just take the time you need to do whatever you need and look after yourself in the process.

Take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Mozza,

It sounds like she is trying to stay on good terms. It gets confusing when it seems like you are getting sent mixed signals. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out her craziness.

Don't beat yourself up for speaking up. You were standing up for yourself and in MhO that's ok. Just don't over analyze it. You said your peace to help make YOU feel better. She can do what she wants with it. It was a truth dart and she may reflect on that when she is alone. I have sent my MLC ex a couple of truth dart emails. I did it for me. It did help me feel better. I was never disrespectful just direct and honest. Sometimes we have to let go of the out come and be true to ourselves.

Keep working on building a healthier happier you. Don't let her take that away from you.

cheers,

Karma


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Well Mozza- I agree with everyone that your email wasn't that big of a deal. And FWIW, I think it is totally reasonable to point out that this isn't all going to happen on her preferred timeline.

Since I'm going through something similar, I'm sorry to hear about the fresh pain. It really does make one ponder.


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Thanks all. I find that newcomers are always much more lenient with each other than vets will be. While I agree that this email is not a big deal, it's also a small hint that I'm the same person, resentful of her choices yet available for R. Subtle clues are easily picked up. But it's not the message i should be sending. It doesn't tell her that I'm moving on, nor that I have changed. It tells her that there's a big open door to the hell that she left, while she should feel that there is a door closing to a heaven that she shouldn't have left.

I'll simply say that it's interesting that she argues with me when I call it "her divorce" then will say that she doesn't care. I struck a nerve.

I made great progress on my share of the D procedures on Friday, with the help of my parents who were visiting. Their presence allowed me to focus. I made a few phone calls to government agencies and took notes. I don't think I'll be able to resolve all this by email with WW, mainly because it's a little complex and she is not very good with numbers. I feel good about overcoming the procrastination of the last couple of weeks.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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I agree that it doesn't signal a moving on with a focus on you that is probably healthier for you and best for the prospects of the R. That said, it was a one time incident, and your pattern of actions will speak much more loudly than the e-mail.

So, how do you think you can shift your focus to your path in a way that signals to her that you accept her path and are moving ahead w/ or wo/ her better? Again, it has to be genuine. And you are already doing some things along these lines. But to really show that the pressure and pursuit are off probably requires looking at what you are still doing that undermines that message & what you could change to really turn towards yourself in a way that she sees and feels that you're moving ahead? Only then can she maybe relax a bit herself and also perhaps feel a bit of worry that the loss is hers not yours.

We all have worked on GAL & detaching, but there really seems to need to be a further shift in attitude and focus that comes long after we think we've done the work to stop pursuing. I've seen it in so many threads here, where someone finally just gets to that point where they truly accept that this needs to be about them and that they are truly done w/ fixing the R unless a significant change happens in the WAS. Not that they close the door totally, but that maybe shut the storm door while leaving the inner door unlocked. I know that when I had that turn, I was amazed at how much I was still pursuing and keeping the pressure on by focusing on her and our R. I was still wanting to figure out how to change the dynamic so that she would return. It was when I dropped that rope that I saw that I only thought I had really stopped the pursuit.

So again, you are doing a lot of good work (and forget about the e-mail as it is in the past now), but what are you going to do to take the next step of really, really embracing your life and remove your focus on her & the R?

p.s., I just noticed that this was my 777 post. Hopefully it will be a lucky one.

Last edited by asitis; 08/30/15 06:49 PM. Reason: noted this was post #777

Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Hi Mozza, just read your post on Raliced's threat about wanting to be better than OM. While I can relate to that, please remember you are the father to these 2 little girls who adore you and also the man she chose to be the father to them. He can never compete with that. His desire to be better than you is probably much greater than yours.

Also, you haven't given any dating updates recently - please do so!


Me - 44 Husband - 47
D20, S18
BD - Aug 2013
Moved out - Jan 2014
OW discovered Jan 2014
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I agree with what you are saying Mozza. I think the difference in my thinking now is I was treated very badly by my ex. He betrayed the only person who stood by him through many of his own personal life stresses. It should be him wanting to show me that life with him would be different and not the other way around.

Once you don't care so much about the out come it can be liberating.

Cheers,

Karma


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Quick journaling, just because.

I met WW at a school event last Thursday and she told me she's moving to a new apartment, one block from her current apartment. This one is freshly renovated and more comfy than what they have now. She sees it as something "more permanent". I didn't like hearing this, obviously. Also, D3 and D7 will each have a room, which is new. I told her I would have liked to talk about it with her first because we always meant for them to share a room for a while. I'm a little concerned that D7 will like it less here, sharing her room. Apparently, she's excited about having her own room. The move was last week-end.

I went to my half-brother's wedding on Saturday. Quite a beautiful, small (50 people) wedding at a hotel on a golf course. I had a good time. I wasn't as sad as one may think. During the vows and such, I felt numb. I wasn't really happy for him, nor sad for myself. Just unsure anymore of what these things mean. It seemed like he was petting a tiger: looks amazing, but dangerous.

This is the one-year anniversary of the D@mned Week, between the day where WW uttered the S word for the first time (Sept 4) and the day when I acknowledged that I couldn't keep her (Sept 11). I'm not so bad, although dates matter to me, so I've been thinking much about it.

Yesterday, I pulled frames from a moving box and it was full of our family, couple and wedding pictures. I had a small decoration project so I took out all the pictures from the frames. Again, it wasn't so hard: I was numb. Towards the end, it became a bit much, all these pictures, and I decided to power through the exercise, for fear that I'd never be able to get back to it. All the mismatched frames are on the wall, stripped of their old pictures (replaced with pink paper, for the decorators amongst you).

I've been very productive at work and home recently. This was one of my recent goals and I'm glad to see it happening with such momentum, finally. I've done many things that I had set aside for months or even years, like this decoration project.

Thanks all for your input and support. I mean to get back to your recent messages.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Hey Mozza,

Don't worry too much about the sleeping arrangements - even if your kids like having their own room. Siblings need closeness now especially. Sharing a room will help with that. You can always spin it as it being much cozier to share. My boys have a secret bed-time routine. I have no idea what they say to each other, but it is something special. These are memories they will have forever. Also, there is something at your pad, that your WW will never be able to match - you!

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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