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#2580984 06/23/15 01:52 AM
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My daughter is going to be 19 this year. She hasnt finished the 9th grade. She has never worked. She is home doing nothing. Me getting angry at exw caused the divorce. She protects her even when she didnt go to school. I stopped saying anything to my daughter after the divorce.

I tried everything to no avail. School courts lawyers chikd study team you name it my hands were tied.
I need to vent. I act like it doesnt bother me when its killing me. She seems happy to have no goals.

Shoul i accept it unconditionally with no guilt?


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Wow, that's tough.
Let me ask you....does she have a diagnosis? What is/was your wife's take on it?

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No diagnosis. The school psychiatrist who evaluated her 3 years ago said she was fine. My ex thought I was just being a jerk and let her be.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Many years ago, kids like that would have been put in the military. Now, don't have a clue. She is going to need tough love to get moving on in her life. From whom, you ask? The person that is letting her do nothing.

Until your ex gets mad and fed up, I don't see any change happening. It is sad to see a young life just wither because someone would rather do the opposite of what you want. Of course, it also isn't saying much about your daughter as far as ambition,work ethic, etc. She is an adult now. What do her friends say?

kat


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Rick, when my oldest was 19 she bombed out in her first year of University. She did the residence thing and it all went bad real fast. She began to fall so far behind in her studies that she felt completely overwhelmed, never told us the situation and ended up failing almost every course. Last year she returned and did well in almost all her courses but one...and that mark dragged her below the accumulative GPA she had to keep by 1 point. She was suspended from school for a year. Now, she works about 12 hours per week (more, if she can get the hours) at American Eagle and is using this year to re-energize. Next year she's been accepted at a College for one year course in Gemology (don't get me started lol!). Life is so much more complicated for these kids today...I feel sorry for them. Bottom line is that we had to let my daughter find her way and it's still a work in progress. I know how hard this is for you...it hurts like hell, especially when you see your ex as promoting this behaviour. No advice here...just empathy. It ain't easy, my friend.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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Ok, maybe I do have a couple of thoughts here. Have you thought about going for counselling yourself to work through how you should deal with the sitch. Also, review DB and see if you can apply those principles to this situation. Good luck!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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Rick,

Possible to send D to live with XW? XW needs to see her D on daily basis to see what is really going on so she cannot jump you for being a "jerk" about D's welfare.

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Wonka she lives with exw full time. When I found out that exw was lying to me about D not attending school and failing everything 4 years ago. I was outraged and got really angry at ex. I wanted to smash her head into the wall. Hence my divorce. I just dont want my kid to blame herself for the divorce. So I say very little about her future to her. D knows how I feel about it.

Kat and Wii you make good points. I did go to counseling to work things through. And I learn to let it go. She needs to let life teach her. Sadly or luckily her grandfather who recently died left her lots of money. Not sure how much.

My biggest fear is that there is mental illness from my side and exws side. Ex denies it but I am trained clinician and I know her older brother has Aspergers. My D does not have many friends. She speaks of one whom I know. Same age dropped out of school same time and has a 1 year old child.b

It helps to vent and put out here. Like every parent you want to bring your kids to greatness. Yes I hope ex gets tired. Especially since I dont pay child support only health care and her cell phone..


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Sounds similar to my friend's niece. She was only diagnosed with aspergers when she was a young adult.

I am really not familiar with the American system. Here, it is not the psychiatrist that usually makes these diagnoses but a psychologist. Is it possible to have her assessed again?

I get the whole tough love and letting them find their own way... But I'm not sure how I feel when there is a possibility of a mental illness (as you have mentioned). If that were the case, she may lack the foresight to understand her situation and make any sort of changes. Although she lives with XW full time, doesn't necessarily mean that the decision is up to XW.

I'm not sure if I'm remembering correctly but, didn't D want to stay in the house with you at one point?


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Here many can diagonse if credentialed. She is an adult based on our laws so I have no say and neither does exw. My D never asked to live with me full time.
In the US if u have a mental illness your rights to choose are not taken away.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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