My apologies. I guess I might have figured that out if I read more. Still, most of what I said still applies because being blindsided like this is a jarring experience. Somewhere along the line will come the time when you second-guess yourself wondering why you didn't see this coming and why (or whether) you still have those loving feelings after this has happened. Like I said, it is and was an expression of who you are. To deny that IS to deny your own being.
It just doesn't make it any easier.
It will still take a long-time to recover, it feels like someone died, etc. I found, what I later found as the 1-2 months of recovery for every year in the relationship, to be generally true in my own life (I knew my wife for 11 years, married for seven when the affair was revealed). Although my fatherhood role changed immediately (and the way I identified with it), it took about nine months before I took those first real steps to identify myself in some other way to establish a revised self-identity. It was 19 months before I felt "recovered enough" to allow myself to be "available" for another relationship. And let me tell you that was really a lot harder than I expected particularly where children are involved.
And most importantly, never use the children as a wedge in the middle of a divorce simply because it has really, really toxic effects on their lives. If there was anything that my ex and I did correctly, it was that. We honored that and our son would tell you (as he has told me) that he knows that his life could have been so much worse just looking at some of his friends that went through divorce. As disruptive as it was on our lives, we worked pretty hard to keep the disruption of his life to a minimum. I had some context to operate with because my parents went through a fairly nasty divorce in that regard.
I wish you luck and clear skies.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
No biggie - I know same sex couples are the exception and not the general rule.
The larger issue is that as I continue to grapple with this, family is perplexed why I haven't gone ahead with the D, friends are confounded why I haven't scheduled the D as well, etc... None of their business, it will progress or not as it should. I have stopped talking about it for now. Lets see what the W decides to do.
Last night she texted and asked "How was the kids day - I know it was probably rough." I replied - The kids had a great day, they had a blast at camp. They are at a play date right now, can they call you at 8?
She said - sure. When my daughter did call at 8PM, it was brief as she wanted to continue playing and my son didn't want to talk to her at all as he was playing on the trampoline.
So I feel really good about keeping them at the same camp, they both loved it and said it was much better this year than last. I don't feel bad like I did yesterday when I second guessed myself about keeping them in the same camp. W had said "Why did you enroll them there, they don't want to go!"
And they were invited to play date for friends in the neighborhood. Another good.
Happy to hear the Camp went well .... sometimes is so easy to knee-jerk react to things, especially the kiddos. I think we sometimes want to protect them so badly ... its impossible to do it fully with the WAS set on destroying what we identify to be 'family'... and I know at times I have overcompensated with my S but looking at this journey I realized me just being 'normal' and the 'rock' was more times than not what he needed. Toss in a couple noogies and its all good.
So now I am just doing my thing, I have dropped the rope, I take care of my kids, work on on my issues.
Of course I am waiting for the A to burn itself out but my quesion is how will I know if that ever happens? I have no intel and I don't mention it. Will W act different, will she tell me?
I know this isn't all about the A but it's a major part of it. It's the reason why we separated for sure whether she will admit it or not.
So, I know everyone keeps saying stay the course, but how will I know if and/or when the A is over. Do I just ignore it and let nature do it's thing? I have a feeling that is what the Board will say.
Oh Heavy, I'm SURE you will know. I don't have experience personally, but from reading enough threads, the WW is gonna totally go ape-$hit. You think her behavior is erratic now...?
Not trying to predict the end of the A Wonka, but how will I know if it's over? Will she tell me (or not), will her actions be different.
Last night on the phone, the kids didn't want to talk much to he as they were having so much fun playing, the dog was barking, people were talking etc... It "felt" like she was maudlin hearing all of the normal things she is now missing, our home, kids life and everthing associated with it.
Maybe I am projecting, but her tone sounded down. Whatever, we had a great day and evening. I even talked to a neighbor that I hadn't talked to to in a long time. It was good to catch up.
On an unrelated note, I noticed via FT that my W has cut of her long lovely hair and it is so shot in the back. I guess this is the new expression of "her". I had always complimented her on her beautiful long wavy hair. Now it is pretty short and she blow dries it so it is stick straight.
I think sometimes reading posts like yours warp me back .. so much like where I was and where my W was.
The A thing, she may tell you as mine did ... EVERY single flipping time it was over with OP, but never tell you they get back together .. for your sake I hope she doesn't ... but seems they have to have someone and we are all to available .. well I was. I went through ... lost count .. at-least 5 major breakups of W and OM over the 15 or so months I knew there was an OP.
Was not till I was detached ... this past Feb when she told me it was over ... I joked and said something to the effect of "Well I am sure the next few weeks without him will be hard." to myself as that was the typical cycle .. I merely gave her a shoulder shrug and took my S and left. She TM me telling me that she was alone, for the first time since she could remember on a Valentines day ... my reply .. "Its my second year, it gets better" (I recall flipping the phone off as I hit send...lol)
You have to let them do their thing, as you grow, and become the person you are meant to be.
As far as the looks ... yup ... W did all sorts of things .. thankfully never cut her hair but the outfits were pretty revealing, makeup (which she never needed much of) was caked on, all that concern about appearance and not wanting to look more than 23 ... its really tragic to watch.
Being up close and personal with my W for the last 6 months I've noticed they go through their own roller-coaster of emotions like we do. They hide it at times just as well as the LBS, but other times(just like us) it spills over and is noticeable.
When I see those negative emotions slipping out it lets me see some of their reality and how its not all perfect as they let it appear most of the time. If you read the lighthouse story you can see they really are in chaos no matter what they show. Some are just better at hiding it and the thrill of the A can mask the symptoms. Its not sustainable in the long run.
I think fantasy land is actually a [censored] place to be in, they just stick in it wanting it to be great.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Maybe Fogg - who really knows what goes on in their heads. It is baffling but then so much of life is.
Tomorrow is bike day at school - hauled out the rack put it on the car - this one is mounted through the hitch and loaded the bikes. I feel good that I can be independent. After that I cooked up some supper for us on the George foreman grill and s9 said it was good! Yay! Hopefully my cooking skills are improving.
Anyway - full day at work - pick up kids and headed for home. My d6 said she loves me until the last digit of Pi which is infinity! Maybe I can do this ......
