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How are you guys doing Sherm?







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Well it's been a while. smile

Life is going fine. The divorce is final as of Nov 3. Everything went according to plan.
For those who aren't familiar with my situation, my ex is "high-conflict" and the marriage wasn't one that should be saved. I got proactive and my threads would be worth a read if you're in the same situation.

I have physical custody of S7 and the Ex is paying me child support. Quite a ways from how this all started... where the ex was expecting me to be paying her.

The adoption process is starting for real at this point for FS9 and the boys are constantly referring to themselves as brothers. I even introduced them to the phrase of "brothers from another mother". They giggled about it.

As for the ex, she moved into the BF house before the ink was even dry. Still attempts to act like a tyrant/controlling. It doesn't get her very far... she gets frustrated and blows up. Blames me for everything, blah, blah.

Over the course of the summer she only had S7 over to her house 13 nights. She visited somewhat regularly for a few hours here and there, but I basically signed up for all the time I could and documented it. So when it came time for custody, that was established as me. This went a long way leading up to the custody trial and she was looking at a large sum of money every month. To get her to sign, I negotiated a lesser amount, but had to sign prior to trial. I also have a clause in that after 24 months it goes to state guidelines unless otherwise agreed to. Privately I told her to leave me along and to behave around S7... then I'd negotiate... otherwise it will go to the max. Good behavior lasted about 2 weeks after she moved in with the BF.

So I wanted to share some thoughts/recommendations.

  • Get familiar with Sandy's rules.
  • I've observed a lot of men turn into "mush" for too long before snapping out of it. You can't do this for your kid's sake.
  • Don't assume that you have to follow the stereotypical "guy" looses access to his kids and pays through the nose. You can make a difference.
  • Get familiar with your states custody determination laws. They matter and work towards putting things in your favor.
  • Get engaged with your kids.. You'll be their best emotional support if you do this.
  • Target 50/50 shared cost/care out the gate. Develop a documented track record of what you do with your children (i.e. make spreadsheet, notebook, etc.). This will give you the best shot at having the smallest child support payment and let you enjoy life with your kids if the worst comes to happen. It might also be possible for you to get more (as in my case), but you have to know what the criteria is and how determination is made in your state. MI has very clear criteria.
  • Do a little research on attorney's and pick one that is known to fight for their clients. I've heard a lot of stories about how the lawyer failed to do a good job
  • Do a little research on the most likely judges (for me it was more advantageous to file in a specific county).
  • Do not sign away any legal custody rights... you'll regret it later. I ran across a guy who did just to get it over with and now he has an uphill battle just to get visitation.
  • Be smart and own your reactions. Take the high road and learn not to respond to bait... you're feeding the beast so-to-speak and this doesn't help. My threads have some good ideas that might help.
  • If your STBX/EX is high conflict, be very careful about being alone with them... i.e. don't do it. Some have been known to hurt themselves, call the cops, and then blame you.
  • Get educated on what high-conflict means (cluster B personality disorders) and what you can do about it. There are resources out there and a quite a few books.
  • I made it a point NOT to date until the divorce was done. Reduced the amount of potential leverage my ex had for the custody discussion... which mattered to my particular judge.
  • Don't loose hope for you... There's always a bright side if you look. That doesn't mean things will go back to how they were and would you really want that? I'd say that regardless of whether it's with your former partner or not, the relationship has to be different to make it really work. Or you'll be back in the same boat.


I'm sure there's more, but this is what's come to mind as I'm writing this. smile

If anyone has questions, ask. I'll do my best to answer them. But just my 2 cents.

I'm starting to get serious about dating. It's going to be an adventure with the boys and figuring out babysitting. But I'm going to be meeting someone this weekend. We've been chatting for several weeks and we seem to fit very well. So I can't complain.


Me: 45 W43
S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce)
D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
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Oh... just thought of something else. In my case, part of my strategy was to capture/document what she was saying to me. When she was still in the house, I recorded conversations (check your local laws).

Once she left, I wouldn't communicate with her on the phone. I forced her to use text messages. I picked up $35 software that pulled the texts and voicemails. Ended up being great documentation that allowed me to protect myself against her false attacks.

She'd actually threaten me with doing it via texts 1st before actually doing it if I didn't go along with what she wanted. So it was pretty easy to defuse.


Me: 45 W43
S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce)
D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
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Great to hear from you Sherman, and those are AWESOME posts. You are a wise man, and a great father and any woman would be lucky to have you going forward!

Well done, sir -- much respect.


whistle whistle whistle whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Good to hear from you Sherman, sounds like things are going well for you. Appreciate the update.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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Thanks!

I did think up one more suggestion. Make a plan early. Make decisions ahead of time and not in the heat of the moment when the emotions get going. Update it if necessary when things are calm, but otherwise use it.

I stuck to the plan during spew but it did get at me too. wink.

I ended is a good place overall.


Me: 45 W43
S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce)
D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
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