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76big76 Offline OP
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Hi All,
I'm a 39 year old married male. My wife & I met 19 years ago & fell madly in love. We married 13 years ago and had an amazing relationship up until Sept 2014. It first started in July'14 when I began too notice she was pulling away & becoming distant. She was not interested in having sex with me & just seemed unhappy in general.
I kept asking if everything was OK & she kept telling me it was, however in Sept '14 she finally came out & told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore, or should I say she loved me but had lost all intimate feelings towards me.
Like many others we had a great sex life to start with & even up until May or June of last year we would engage 1 or 2 times a week. Now we haven't been " truly intimate" since Sept 2014.

She agreed to go see a counsellor on her own & began doing so in Oct. but it didn't seem that she was making progress. At the start of Jan '15 I offered to start going with her, which we did, but after just one couples session she said she had "no hope" & thought that "counselling was just a means to an end."

Then at the end of Jan '15 I found out she was having an affair with someone from her past. She says it wasn't a physical affair but an emotional one, all intimate acts were done through texting etc. She said it had been going on since Nov '14. As soon as I found out about it I asked her to leave. She promised that she would never communicate with this person again but agreed that some time apart may help. She also told me that 'he' was not the reason for the change in her feelings, that the change came about before she started communicating with him. She said her confusion caused her to reach out & in doing so she found an emotional connection with him.

After she left we still had daily communication & even saw each other on a weekly basis for a few hours at a time, but things were definitely strained. She spent some weekends back home (in a different town) at her parents place, which also happens to be where this other person lives, BUT she's told me over & over again that she's never seen him & never communicated with him.
We lived apart for about 2 months & had planned on keeping it that way. However, one night in March after she returned from a weekend stay back home we decided to get together for dinner, long story short, I found out that she had communicated with 'him' again & I lost my mind. We had an all out yelling match, which is an EXTREME rarity for me. By the end of the blow out she was begging me to let her come home & was scared that we were finished for good. She said it was the first time she had communicated with him since Jan. After I calmed down & we had a real heart to heart talk I agreed to let her move back in.
Things actually seemed better, immediately we were laughing more, things seemed a little more at ease, we began seeing a different couples counsellor(we still are)and things slowly began to progress in the intimacy dept. By "progress" I mean some kissing & cuddling.
In March she went home again, it was a trip she had booked before we agreed to move back in together. When she returned I found a map to his place on her phone, she swears she just drove by his place, nothing more. Once again she begged me to forgive her, swore she hadn't communicated with him or seen him. She said if she was talking with him why wouldn't he have simply given her directions, why would she need a map? She said she's not sure why she felt inclined to drive by & that it was simply a dumb mistake.Once again I forgave her for her "mistake" & once again her affection towards me seemed to increase.
Another 2 months has past & I am trying to get over all the secrets & lies, but I have to admit I'm still struggling. We are still at the same stage in the bedroom which is kissing & snuggling, but that's as far as she's willing to go. She says she worries that if we try anything & things don't go well it'll just make our relationship worse. She worries she's not going to feel what she's suppose to feel. I think she's already convinced herself that whatever we try will end up being a total disaster. I'm not sure how she can overcome these concerns & I question whether she really wants too? Sometimes I wonder if she would keep things exactly as they currently are if she could. She is constantly telling me how much she loves me & that she can't imagine her life without me, but she's not sure how or if she can get those feelings back that will allow her to take things further.
She also says she still has sexual feelings & sex still interests her, so I assume it's not low libido.

My questions are:
(a) am I a fool for believing her & accepting that she's been/being faithful
(b)Is there anything we can try to help her get over her insecurities, or is it likely she doesn't want too?
(c) is it odd that her affection level increases (even temporarily) after we have a blow out?

Thanks for listening to my rant & thanks in advance for any and all advice!!

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Last edited by Cadet; 06/22/15 08:03 PM.

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I don't think your crazy for accepting that she has been unfaithful. Insecurities probably caused her to make that mistake. Please don't feel like a fool for loving your wife.

Will she talk to a therapist?


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76big76 Offline OP
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Thank you for the quick replies.
She & I are both seeing a therapist or are you asking if she's willing to go back and see someone on her own?

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Hi 76, welcome to this forum. Sorry you are here but you will find lots of people who understand what you are going through.

Your story sounds like a struggle. It must have been so difficult for you.

Of course it is hard to say just reading your account but it does sound like more is going on than your wife is telling you. Is she still having an affair with this guy? Is she being honest? If she's not actually in contact with him, is she still obsessed with him? I'm afraid the answer to the last question at least is yes, probably.

Is it odd that she is more affectionate after a blow out? No. She is afraid to be without you. But she isn't able to/doesn't want to give you what you need either.

Like all the vets tell the newbies on here, the best thing you can do now is focus on YOU. Forget her and her struggles and your relationship problems for now and start looking at yourself. What about yourself can you improve?

- Is there something that you've always wanted to improve about yourself?
- What does your wife complain about that you do or don't do? Can you work on changing without talking about it? (do the laundry, clean the house, make dinner, make more money, be on time... whatever it might be)
- Are there hobbies or interests you've always wanted to take up? Or something you love that you stopped doing? (sports, art, activities, friends.. anything)

If she's in the midst of an affair, whether physical or emotional, she's going to have to decide to get over it on her own. The more you try to get in the middle of it while being there for her, the worse it will be. It sounds like she doesn't want to lose you or is simply afraid to be on her own. She's going to have to realize eventually that she has to be 100% in the relationship or she will lose you. The best way you can get that realization rolling is to focus on YOU.

Good luck my friend! Keep us updated.
Hugs, Lisa

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76big76 Offline OP
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Hi Lisa,
Thank you for your reply and honesty!

As far as I know the affair has ended, she says she hasn't had any contact with him and she seems to be a bit more at ease around me. I can only hope she is being honest. like I mentioned previously, I've caught her in a few lies and now I am sceptical and somewhat suspicious of what she might be up to. I think I'll take your advice and simply worry about myself for a change.
There are lots of things I'd like to get involved in again, sports I haven't played in a long time. I was thinking of volunteering at a local animal shelter, something I've really enjoyed in the past.

i think I've always done a pretty good job helping out around the house, in fact it seems that those household duties have become even more of my responsibility. The one thing that I don't feel I do enough of is helping with the meals, maybe something I should start to experiment with!
Thank you again!

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76big76 Offline OP
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Hello again,

I created my first post here yesterday (Newbie. First time post. My story & questions) and had a few great responses. I want to start by saying "Thanks"

I read over the "Sandi's 37 rules" that Cadet recommended and there are definitely lots of good tips in there. But, I'm a little confused as to which steps I should follow & which one's I'm ok to avoid, if any?

It's taken me almost a year to realize that I need to start thinking about "me" & taking care of myself first. In reading over the list I've found that I have been doing a ton of things that are recommended I avoid. i.e I've been showering her with gifts, talking about the future, following her around like a puppy, constantly texting with her, keeping conversations going, stressing when I think she's in a negative mood, snooping for clues....the list goes on & on. This is one area I'm going to make a point of checking myself on!

Here's where my confusion lies...I feel my W & I are in a better place than we were 1 year ago or even 3-4 months ago, we are in couples counselling & seem to be making progress. I'm trying to figure out which of the 37 rules I should try & which ones I'm ok to steer clear of!?!
Our counsellor has just started giving us "homework" to help reintroduce intimacy into our relationship. My W has been in the ILYBNILWY mode & I still worry that I will get stuck in the "friend zone". It seems like she constantly needs a nudge to move forward with intimacy & will only do so when its recommended by our counsellor or she's scared that I might leave her.
Just wondering if anyone who's been in the same situation can offer up any advice as to the steps I should take at this stage? I obviously don't want to jeopardize any of the progress we've made.

Thanks in advance.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Also try to stick to one thread until 100 posts.

I have merged your threads togther


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76big76 Offline OP
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Great advice, thank you!

Still trying to get a hang of the rules, etc. I'll be sure to simply add to this thread.

Thanks again,

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