Jim0987 #14 - due for another upgrade soon

[jim0987]

link to previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2548251#Post2548251

Greetings all,

well I'm here for thread number 14 and its about the 9 months since BD and a lot has happened in that time. I can definitely think of ways i'd rather have spent the last 9 months but it is what it is.

So for those who are new or just catching up or otherwise interested here is the 10p tour - my update will follow in my next post so skip this bit if you already know my story.

My W decided she wanted out of the relationship and blames me entirely - never really had much of an explanation beyond about how 'awful' i was and that 'I was never there for her' although i do recognise there were various parts of my behaviour that fall a long way short of anything i could be proud of.

all the typical stuff followed of being really upset, writing letters, begging for a chance, asking for an explanation etc. etc.

I know from indirect sources that my W has told people that she left me because i was 'controlling and emotionally abusive'. this has worried me greatly because its not something i recognise but its obviously how she felt.

I subsequently discovered that there was OM1 which was a work colleague who she was very attracted to and actively pursued for months, and had been dating on and off throughout the period. There was also some circumstantial evidence of other OMs during the off periods.

In february my W admitted they were dating although about 6 weeks later she created a profile on a dating site. I genuinely dont know the situation now.

for reference i sometimes refer to SIL and PF (poisonous friend) as these are two key influences in her life and both are horribly negative influences.

So in house separation but with very little communication until Jan 20th when we finalised the financials and she completed the purchase of her new house.

Since actual separation there has been very little communication and what there is business like about the kids. I still get the sense that im being blamed for everything.

So thats my situation

as for me, well i've tried to understand what i actually did wrong and why i did those things and have found out a few things about me. I've stuck with regular IC and thats helped a lot for both helping me grow and processing my grief.

Its fair to say that if you've read NMMNG then you've got a pretty good summation of where i was coming from although many of the books that you see mentioned round here have a large pile of grains of truth in them.

meditation (headspace) and exercise have helped a lot in just getting myself more centred as has some of the advice when looking into a couple of other possible issues that would make a difference.

I've done my best to keep myself busy and am slowly expanding my social networks by strengthening existing friendships and trying to build some new ones too.

My relationship with my kids has never been an issue although it has been difficult at times since BD because we have all struggled with the emotions of it all. I do feel i could have easily been sucked into a deep depression but feel like i've done a good job of climbing out of that particular hole.

So now i focus on building my life as i want it on the assumption that my M is done for good but i will always leave the door open to my W because despite everything and as i said recently i still feel i married the right person for the right reasons.

so 9 months after starting this decidedly unwanted and unpleasant journey, im making progress and except for one major aspect my life is pretty good

But then again that it is a little like saying Lance Armstrong was a top bloke except for the relentless cheating

[jim0987]

So update

well first up, thanks to all of you guys who checked in on me and sorry i haven't been around this last week or so. (I will catch up where i can as soon as i can)

I'd love to say its because of really exciting developments in my situation and it is.....

no, not really. mainly its because i was on a course that had a tonne of homework each night and i had to fit my d usual time with the kids and my day job around it. Hopefully i passed the course - I'll find out my exam result in the next few weeks.

The bank holiday weekend was good, spent the time with various friends then back to work today, but only for a few days as come the weekend i'm taking the kids on holiday for some sunshine and plenty of swimming.

In other news you may remember that a couple of weekends ago there was some increased chattyness with my XW well it seems that's where it ended. I've sent a couple of text messages one to thank her for some stuff and the other to let her know about important info in relation to D4 - no response of any kind to either.

so i've not updated for a little while but in truth not a great deal has happened to update on.

anyways hope you are all doing good

[Vanilla]

No update?

Jim, that means a lot of studying and concentrating.

A lack of Mooooose.

My fingers crossed for the exams.

V

[NDY]

Hi Jim

So thanks for the 10p update. You said on my thread to wait for that. Are you UK? Your writing style suggests as much. Anyway, glad you are working on you, which as they say in these parts is the correct thing to do.

Peace my friend.

[Dawn70]

So glad to hear that you took a class and are working on you, Jim. And, glad to finally hear an update of sorts. I'm hoping that you did well on your exam. I have all the faith that you did!

Hang in there, Jim. Life will get better. Take care of you and those precious kiddos. Molly sends a tail wag for that ear scratch you sent yesterday.

[Fogg]

Jim, good luck on the course grade, I understand how rough it can be to get through classes while dealing with everything else life throws at us. Keep up the great work.

[edz]

Hi Jim

indeedy good luck with the course results though I imagine you'll have aced it. As I've said elsewhere never say never sitches change and sometimes change direction fast, just keep being the best Jim you can be then if you have an option be even better for you, the kids and w or another relationship. Just make every day something good if you can although sometimes thats difficult as I well know.

The upcoming holiday and swimming sounds good though if there's guaranteed sun it cant be in the UK - lol!

Take it easy mate

[Sotto]

Hi Jim, sounds like you have had a busy time studying my friend - I missed you, but good for you with the hard work! I hope for brilliant results for you - only what you deserve!

Sounds like things continue to ebb and flow with your W. Even though you are in a cool phase, I'm still positive about the overall trend. And you are remaining consistent in your interactions, which is great. Equally, you are moving forward and focusing on you & the kids - double great! Who knows what will happen with any of our sitches, but I think you have become a man only a fool will leave....

Take care Jim, and enjoy your hols with those lovely little ones!! xx

[Pink17]

Hi Jim,

Vanilla once said that I should think about the light house and just be. You are doing well keeping yourself in a positive direction, studying and growing your horizons.

I hope you did well in your tests. There are other forms of happiness in life and even knowing that there are dark moments, you can manage to find purpose and become a better person.

You have been learning and applying some changes that will make a difference if you R with your W or if you find someone else to share life. You are young and have a lot ahead of you.

Keep up the good work, you are a good example for the little ones and one day they will tell you how proud they are they have a dad like you.

Amazing as it is, now that I am going through this situation in my M, I have been hearing and seeing how many people go through some difficult times, and how time can heal and change perceptions.

I hear about couples that separate for two, three, five years and then find themselves going back together. It's almost like you need a vacation from each other and then things cool down and everyone can see things a little more clear.

Like Edz says, the sitches can change very suddenly and one never knows what will happen tomorrow. The only thing we can do is to try our best and become better with the knowledge we acquire during this time.

Jim is doing all this, and I am sure you will be happy one way or the other. We are all very proud of you.

XOXO
Pink

[Ggrass]

Omg jim you sound very different it's been a while since I read your thread.

I really laughed, you've come a long way and it showing. Keep looking forwards my dear boy.