WW Conversation

[PigPen]

Sending you strength Thriver. This too shall pass.

We all will recover, and we all will love again. It may be to our WAS's it may not. It may even be a better, more amazing relationship.

Keep breathing and trusting that something bigger than you is at work.

Be strong,

PP

[thriver]

Thank you EP and PP for your thoughts and support.

I got word from the L today that the final court date will be pushed back to next Thursday because the paperwork wasn't quite ready.

I know that I will get past this, but it is VERY hard. I had a good discussion with a good friend of mine over lunch today and he reassured me that I would be fine. I have a lot going for me and if WW can't see that, it's her loss. He's right. I deserve someone who treats me with respect and I will not settle for anything less!

[oatmeal]

Sorry it came to this thriver, your situation reminds me of my own except I'm only 3 weeks in so far. I've gone dark, but am afraid that my wife isn't the pursuer type.

How does going dark reconcile with the experimentation the DR book talks about? ie if going dark over 2-4 weeks isn't doing anything, why would waiting longer make a difference? Wouldn't it be worth trying a different tactic?

[thriver]

Sorry you are here too Oatmeal. Going dark is the chance to work on you and to allow your WW to go through the journey she needs to go through. Read the "going dark" thread in Cadet's post again. It is not about just NC, it's a chance for you to rediscover who you are, to detach from the drama, to clear your head, to start with a beginner's mind, to make yourself happy, etc.

I read through your sitch. Very similar to mine. The best advice I can give is to listen to the veterans who post on your thread. They've lived it and they know what works and more importantly, what doesn't work. You're only 3 weeks in, so take action early. I think I waited too long and well, you see where I am today.

Stay strong.

[thriver]

Well, I signed the D papers in front of a notary today. They will be signed by the judge tomorrow. I don't even have to be in court - my L is taking care of it. Just like that - 18 months of this crap - and I will be divorced. All my life, I felt like a winner. I was very confident in my relationships, talents, job, etc. Today, I feel like such a failure.

On one hand, limbo suck$, so I'm glad it's coming to an end.

On the other hand, there's that feeling of loss and grieving that still occupies my thoughts. Crazy, I know, considering how she ended our M.

Unfortunately, feelings for someone don't suddenly stop just because they hurt us. I could use prayers and support tomorrow.

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

[PigPen]

Transformation, transition, nor change equal failure Thriver. They just don't. I'm sure it feels that way, but it's simply not truth.

You are not responsible for the actions of another person ever, therefor a relationship will always be out of our controls. The perfect spouse can still get left. The law of impermanence guarantees this and more.

I feel for you, with the exact same feeling, and will face the same on the day that my D is final. All we can do is continue to feel the feelings, honor them, let them pass, and see what's on the other side of them.

Sending you some serious strength and love on this tough night.

PP

[thriver]

Thank you PP. I've been keeping up with your sitch and I appreciate your kind words.

I made it through the night. Now for today. One day at a time.

[thriver]

Question for those with a WW...

As of today, I am divorced. As stupid as it sounds, I feel like I should unfriend my WW on Facebook. I probably should have done this soon after BD, but I was putting it off. I won't unfriend her to "get back at her" (she probably doesn't care anyways) and I won't make a big deal about it, but I just feel that I should do this for my own sanity and growth. Eventually, she will probably bring some OM around and make it public and I don't think I can take the pain of seeing that. Even though she rarely posts on FB, I don't want to know about her life. This will definitely help with detachment.

Thoughts on this?

[Dawgs]

I won't unfriend her to "get back at her"

That may be what it looks like in her eyes, and others, too. You could, or you could just unfollow her in which you wouldn't see her posts. I don't know what I would do, but I do know that if my W and I do end up divorcing, then I can't and won't be her friend. Just don't know what I would do in that situation.

[thriver]

The plan was to just unfriend her silently (she won't get notified). I don't want to make a big gesture out of it. Like I said, she probably won't notice anyways. If she does notice, why should I care. She fired me as her husband and she doesn't get the privilege of being my friend unless she shows remorse and commits to R.

WW's exact words after BD, "I could divorce you today and still be friends with you tomorrow."

Nope. Not happening! I don't need friends who treat my how she has treated me these last 18 months.

I thought about un-following her on FB, but then I thought I would not be tempted to check up on her if I just unfriended her.

Any other thoughts on this?