Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 90
T
thriver Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 90
Feeling down this morning. Divorce court date is just 2 weeks away. Reality has set in pretty hard for me. I'm sad for what I'm losing but at the same time know we can't continue on the path we're on until SHE is willing to do the work, which may be never.

Tips on what to do after court so I don't dwell on it too much??


Me: 34
W: 30
Together: 11 years
Married: 4 years
BD: 4/2014
A Discovered: 5/2014
WW Filed: 7/2014
Separated: 8/2014
Divorced: 10/2015
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
O
otw Offline
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
i wish i had some answers for you on what to do after and on the other questions you have posted.

I am having a rough one as well and wanted to let you know you are not alone. the only thing i do know is that we are not the first or the last to go through these times and people do move on and get better as impossible as it feels to myself right now. I know this to be true.
funny thing is this is the time i know i am supposed to look strong and i feel the weakest.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
otw #2613218 10/07/15 07:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 906
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 906
I've made it through hell and back with my wife. Relationships have up's and down's. You should be honest about your feelings. It's never too late to be honest. If you really don't want this divorce then just say so. I just read through your entire thread and it appeared to me, that it might appear to her, that you're the one who is done with her and have no desire to stay together. If you love her and she loves you then everything else is just the noise of life. That's just my 2 cents. I've been married to my wife for almost 30 years. I adore her. She adores me and that's all we need. All the BS that has almost broken us up over the years turns out to be silly bullsh*t in the long run. Love is all you need (corny I know, but true).



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 90
T
thriver Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 90
Perhaps I've gone TOO dark? But I really have no reason to initiate contact (as per the DB rules). We don't have kids, so I only initiate contact in regards to finances.

I don't know, the distancer/pursuer thing has never worked in our R. I guess that says a lot.

With divorce only a few days away, I wonder about what you said TxHubby. Have I gone so dark and shown her that I'm tying up loose ends (financially) that it appears to her that I'm done and would never take her back? That's not the case. I would take her back if she put in the proper work and showed genuine remorse. I won't take her back as "just a friend".

Since it's the 11'th hour of this thing, I'm wondering if I should just have the "I don't want a D and I'm still open to R. Are you sure this is what you want?" and then leave it at that. Is that a horrible idea?

Any other advice? I'm very desperate at this point...these next few days are going to be stressful. frown


Me: 34
W: 30
Together: 11 years
Married: 4 years
BD: 4/2014
A Discovered: 5/2014
WW Filed: 7/2014
Separated: 8/2014
Divorced: 10/2015
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Quote:
If this was the case, is there any way I should communicate to her that it's not too late and I would give her a chance if she repents and turns away from her destructive behavior?


Sorry, just saw your post above. Here's how I see many LBH'S. They are much too eager to assure their WW that he doesn't want a divorce, and that it's not too late, and he will forgive if she'll just ......

I think I know what you are thinking. You are afraid she'll believe it's hopeless and you won't take her back. So, you want to assure her that it's not.

I don't think you need to tell her, especially when she has shown no remorse.

I don't think it is highly unusual for the WW to hesitate or not respond to the lawyer or proceed with the agreement. Could be out of spite or she may be just be mulling it over in her head. Who knows?

Don't tell her anymore that you don't want a divorce. She knows it. She has to go to you. She has to be ready. Telling her that it's not too late can be pressure.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2614182 10/10/15 04:05 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 90
T
thriver Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 90
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I think I know what you are thinking. You are afraid she'll believe it's hopeless and you won't take her back. So, you want to assure her that it's not.

I don't think you need to tell her, especially when she has shown no remorse.

She's a very prideful/stubborn woman (even before BD). She would always have a hard time apologizing when she was clearly wrong. It makes me wonder if she actually thinks she IS showing remorse. That's what she said anyways, but we know we can't believe anything they say right?

Quote:
I don't think it is highly unusual for the WW to hesitate or not respond to the lawyer or proceed with the agreement. Could be out of spite or she may be just be mulling it over in her head. Who knows?

Yeah, I just don't understand why she would file for D and not follow through with it. I guess she filed for D to get me out of her hair, and now that I'm gone (dark) she couldn't care less.

Quote:
Don't tell her anymore that you don't want a divorce. She knows it. She has to go to you. She has to be ready. Telling her that it's not too late can be pressure.

Thanks Sandi, I won't tell her.

Sandi, I've read where you have mentioned that the WW must experience some significant loss in order to have a chance at "breaking the fog" so to speak. I don't think my WW has experienced a significant loss. In fact, she's pretty comfortable in her current life (or so she SAYS). I will stay my course, but I don't see this resolving itself anytime soon.


Me: 34
W: 30
Together: 11 years
Married: 4 years
BD: 4/2014
A Discovered: 5/2014
WW Filed: 7/2014
Separated: 8/2014
Divorced: 10/2015
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 90
T
thriver Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 90
Originally Posted By: thriver
Sandi, I've read where you have mentioned that the WW must experience some significant loss in order to have a chance at "breaking the fog" so to speak. I don't think my WW has experienced a significant loss. In fact, she's pretty comfortable in her current life (or so she SAYS). I will stay my course, but I don't see this resolving itself anytime soon.

What would be considered a significant loss for a WW?

Sandi, what was yours?


Me: 34
W: 30
Together: 11 years
Married: 4 years
BD: 4/2014
A Discovered: 5/2014
WW Filed: 7/2014
Separated: 8/2014
Divorced: 10/2015
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 90
T
thriver Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 90
What would be considered a significant loss for a WW?

Sandi, what was yours?


Me: 34
W: 30
Together: 11 years
Married: 4 years
BD: 4/2014
A Discovered: 5/2014
WW Filed: 7/2014
Separated: 8/2014
Divorced: 10/2015
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 90
T
thriver Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 90
Well, talked to the L today and the divorce will be final on Friday at 9am. I read through the decree. It's so cold and businesslike, much like my WW. She is moving forward on it though, no signs of remorse, no signs of being human, no signs of reaching out to me. Just done.

It's in God's hands. I probably should have done this a long time ago, but I'm dropping the rope.

I tried.


Me: 34
W: 30
Together: 11 years
Married: 4 years
BD: 4/2014
A Discovered: 5/2014
WW Filed: 7/2014
Separated: 8/2014
Divorced: 10/2015
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
I am so sorry. (((HUGS))) for that day. Good for you for dropping the rope.

My D will be final in a few months, I want to wait until after Christmas. I am so not looking forward to that day. It has only been 4 months since he filed.


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard