Why can't I just be a man and move on, at least for now. Why is it we try so hard after such a long failing attempt. All this time we had to be ourselves, to learn the things we needed to have, and yet, here we are. Lost in the middle of the one if the hardest decisions there is to make. And then to top it off, we lose every ounce of patients we have. We want everything right now, can't wait for it. No one knows the future, but it is entirely possible to shape it in our own desires.
Why can't I just be a man and move on, at least for now.
I don't really understand what you're going for here. We can't move on until we've healed ourselves of the damage that our S's have done to us. If you break your arm, you have to wait until the bone sets and heals before you can use it again. It's the same here. We have the tools to help us mend faster, but ultimately, it takes making it through days/weeks/months to become the whole person we used to be. It isn't about being "a man", it's about going through the right healing process, so that when we love again, it can be without the fear, the hesitation, the pain of what we are going through now holding us back.
I know it hurts. Lord, do I know. But rushing the process only gets you to the end faster - it doesn't make it any easier.
I'm just saying holding onto something, when there is nothing to hold onto. Dropping the rope, detaching, that stuff is just not happening like it should. I am getting better for me. And have things planned to get better at least. But it just seems so weird, that all my emotions stay focused on her. Time will cure it, at least to a point. Mainly I think I was just venting my frustrations, with not being able to do what I need to.
I know I'm not supposed to get wrapped, but her Gma is in hospital today for surgery. Right now I just want to be there with her in case anything happens. Ugh, but I have been good. I just texted and said I hope all goes well with you grandma, and that was that. Never heard a word back and didn't try to dig up any details. Have a bother swimming lesson with girls tonight, good way to take mind off it.
Today I texted for dropping off the girls. She said in return her AC is broke in apt. I said sorry to hear that. Then she said "yep sums up my life right now". Just found out for sure today her Gma has cancer as well. I just said that's terrible news, sorry to hear it. She just texted back yup, I didn't say anything back. I know I'm not supposed to get anything out of it, but it's hard. I feel terrible for her and her family. I will continue to just validate as much as possible and stay back. It's so hard not to want to jump in and fix things. But that was a problem.
I am having a terrible day. It's my bday, I'm just down today. Really feeling bad for what I did a show I acted. I have realized I put up walls all over to keep people out of my life. Just always letting a few into the fringe parts. I never really connected with anybody to deeply, for fear of being hurt again. I just cared about myself and what happened to me. It makes me really miss the one that I'm letting get away. I can't do a damn thing, but accept the fact that it's over and move on. Try to find something in my life for happiness. I almost just want it all over with. Even though I know it is, we are dragging it out. No money for divorce, no time to do anything. And yes that gives me time, but I've had so much time already. And all I've done is waste it trying to be someone I'm not. I don't know what to do from here. I just want to figure out myself. But that even seems impossible. Maybe tomorrow will be better day.
I'm just sad it's all over I guess. I feel so much better about myself for turning around the porn addiction, 74 days clean today. But it's so tough, because I want to share the feelings I have. The W asked me to do something last week and I actually said no. It had to do with the old daycare pulling money from her account, and she thought I should take care of it, because it's our children. I felt terrible to say no, but it's her money and her business not mine. I even cried on the phone with my mom, telling her the story. She is overwhelmed though as well. Her Gma has 6 months to a year to live with cancer probably. Very sad, but I still have to separate myself from the stich. I can't help anymore, and she has to do things herself. But I am very upset about her Gma as well. It's her last grandparent, and I just lost mine 1 and half years ago, so I know the pain all to well.
I feel bad reading your email and wanted to offer my support. Yes, detaching is the best alternative. Sometimes there is a lot of pain in this life. I know.
It has been a while of no contact. Today I dropped d's off. We texted about schedule stuff. I told her I need to know some plan stuff. What are we doing with kids, us, money, things like that. We never talked about it before and need to start now. She then came back with, "she doesn't see anything changing with her, and that kids are 50/50, and everything else will depend on her job after school, she then said since neither of us could afford divorce, it would just have to wait." I said okay, sounds like everything is dependent on your future. She said she was broke, didn't know how she was going to do school stuff either. It gives me time to try and be better for her I know, but it also tells me she is still just moving on with her life. I will go back to being no contact, I think it's getting to where I just want to give up. I am hating being alone for basically over 2 years and just want some finality in it all. However, I also figured out today that I do still care, I do still want to keep trying. I do want to be better, I'm still sick of the way I have lived and the way I treated others. Everyone says just move on get a divorce and get on with life. Makes it hard to focus on anything positive. Just venting I guess for the day.
For some reason I'm Having a terrible day. Really terrible week. Missing the W, and my kids, and everything. It's like I was doing so well for a couple of weeks and then bam. It all hits like a brick in the head. I habe a slipped disc again in my back, a lot of pain from that, I think it may be part of it. I have no one to share my pain with. But I don't know for sure. And honestly I'm scared I may have to have surgery on it. And the is just not something I want to do. But like I said just a bad week.
