My marriage was abusive. It never got physical but the threat was there. Ex was verbally & emotionally abusive from the get go. He had anger problems, depression & problems with alcohol. I walked on egg shells. It was like a YoYo life. When it was good it was grand. When it was bad - it was horrible.
Ashley has been with a new boyfriend since January. She felt he was "the one". I was so happy for her. He even started working to help with Ryan's "Reno from Hell" as he is a carpenter.
This past weekend was a holiday weekend in Canada. Ashley & James planned a special camping trip with another couple. She was so excited. Saturday morning she called. He was very drunk, verbally abusing her, threatening, saying he was calling his drug dealer (who knew?) she was in a rural area. Of course Josh & I jumped in the van & went to get her & her stuff, enroute we were nearly hit head on by a speeding truck which turned out to be James (going for drugs apparently). This was the first she ever knew of him doing any drugs. He was acting insane. It took me back to my days with ex.
So she ended things with him. I told her to block him. As she had let him move in with her - she has to arrange for him to get his stuff back. He also needed to get his tools from here. I wrote him a check & told her to arrange a time for him to pick up his stuff - to box it up & set it outside.
Of course she did not listen. I let her stay in one of my cottages for 2 nights & have 2 friends visit. As soon as she left - she went home & he came over to "Talk" & pack. We messaged while this was happening. I told her not to cave. When he left he got his stuff from here. Then she phoned me. Wants to try again with him because he will stop drinking & smoking. She had told me on Sat he can't travel to the U.S. Due to a conviction - & that would never work for her. But now she just wants him back despite it all because most of it was good.
I have told her about the cycle of base. How my life with her dad was. But she will not listen. Because not all stories are the same. I told her that most stories of abuse ARE the same. It's almost textbook. She just cried and cried...
I'm drained. A lot of things have been going wrong of Kate. Mostly the Reno that is draining all my resources. And just found out we are losing 2 of Ryan's workers - leaving us short. Besides that - every thing I tried to do last week didn't happen. The good news is that life with Josh is good & he is so supportive. But for the first time in a long, long time - I cried. For a long, long time.
I am so sorry to read about Ashley's latest issue with her boyfriend.
I am wondering if instead of talking about the cycle of abuse to Ashley which seems, to her, a bit preachy. How about a different approach?
Perhaps you might want to tell Ashley of your fears as a mother and want the very best for Ashley. I think it is also worthwhile to have a discussion about what self-worth and self-respect means to you--and how that informs your choices. As Ashley is young, she may think that you're telling her "what to do" and she may perceive your concerns as being against her boyfriend. Which is not the case at all. It is more about Ashley's self-worth and wanting to be with someone who respects her because she respects herself.
I remember my late father telling me that the most important thing to him was for me to be healthy and happy.
What do you think?
I cannot imagine having to deal with so many issues and trying to tackle them like a whack-a-mole machine. It's okay to have a good cry!
Ask her what she would say to a friend who came to her with the same situation. Ask her what her best friend might say if she, Ashley, asked her for advice. Ask her what boundaries she will put in place with him and how she will enforce them. Suggest that if he's serious about changing then they go for counselling together...he'd never go. Anyway, just some thoughts. Tough sitch.
Wonka - I have definitely told her that my concern is totally about her - that I love her & want her to be happy. But of course I have mixed that in with so many doubts about how I doubt they can or should try to fix this. I guess I will have to try harder at providing a non judgmental ear.
Wii- Ashley is a fixer, a protector - so maybe your idea would work - to ask her what advice she would give a friend. I had suggested counseling to her - had just noticed a poster for a Walkin counselor here once a week. Perhaps having her give him that info might be a good idea. Incidentally - she freaked when I mentioned it - I told her it might be a good idea for her to talk to someone. I told her how much talking to a counselor had helped me. I was really kind of shocked at her response as she has been to counseling before & supported friends in counseling.
I just don't want my daughter to end up with a relationship like mine was.
She's freaked because she's afraid a counsellor will tell her not to do it! Ashley knows it's a bad idea and that's positive at least. I think the key is to guide her to a place where she can decide to let go of this. Hard to do...but lectures (not that you're giving them) won't help but will actually harm the situation.
I'm trying to give advice without preaching but it is sure a fine line. She just called - on her lunch break. Said she went home, lay down & can't get out of bed. I talked her thru it. She was inconsolable in the beginning but by the end I got her to make soup & eat a bit before returning to work. (Never told her how many would not have been able to even get to work). I talked a bit about AA and that it might be good for him. She is still talking with him. Wants him to get help. Wants to not have a goodbye. He is, of course, remorseful & will do anything - counseling, quitting etc. I told her about Al Anon & that it could help her understand more. She feels like she is also drinking too much although does not feel like she is alcoholic (I don't think so either). I told her I would go with her if she wanted me too. Maybe understand her dad's drinking better.
It's hard for me. I don't want to see her go thru what I did...
Barb, If your daughter thinks that she is drinking too much, then she is. You know yourself, that many alcoholics don't think that they are alcoholics until they've lost everything. Ashley has her whole life ahead of her and she needs gentle guidance to get back on track and now is a good time to do this. I shudder to think what may have happened had her boyfriend continued to live with her.
It might be good for her to go to AA or even Al Anon to get a handle on what she's dealing with. As for the boyfriend, well, he's remorseful for now, but we all know how they are like this and then go right back to the addiction of choice and if Ashley isn't careful, she'll be pulled into that dark whole with him.
Is there any way to get her to go to a meeting tonight? If not, find a meeting that is being held this week. She needs all of the support she can get and the sooner the better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm going to check into it and give her the info. I would definitely go with her. As for the boyfriend - I think it is his road to hoe. If he wants to get help - he has to do it for himself - not so she will take him back. This is what she told him but I'm so sure she will cave easily.
I agree w/you about the boyfriend...he has to do it for himself and not just to win her back and have a place to live. I hope she doesn't cave. I'm glad this came to a head before she was in too deep w/this guy. He definitely as a hard and long row to hoe and he has to do it by himself for now.
Ashley is so lucky that you are there and can provide the support she needs. She was young when her father flew the coop and probably doesn't remember how he behaved when he as drunk. She needs to hear from others who have gone down this path and come to realize that they will promise you the moon to get help and stay away from the stuff and how it's a second by second choice not to touch the stuff.
Barb, I am keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers. I hope and pray that she will go to the meetings and listen to what the others have to say. She can't help him...we both know that. I just hope that she is as strong as her mother and can walk away from this experience and know just how lucky she is.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So sorry Ashley and you are dealing with this. It's a fine line to walk in giving out advice to a child without being preachy. It's even harder to sit and watch her make choices that are harmful to her.
You've been given some excellent advice here by Wonka, Wii and Job - I especially like Wii's recommendations.
The scary thing about her taking him back now is that without serious help and intervention, these things can easily escalate and become more violent. You are spot on that he needs to get help for his own good and not just so that Ashley will take him back - that is the wrong focus.
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
It's okay to have a good cry!