A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
Call 303-444-7004 to get started right away.

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Re: Part 20 - reassembly instructional [Re: edz] #2573048
05/29/15 12:37 PM
05/29/15 12:37 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline
Member
Sotto  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Edz, I'm so pleased to read about the progress you guys are making - although I'm sorry your W isn't feeling 100% just now. I identify with your W's need for a little space. Most of the time H and I lived together, he worked away for part of the time, and having lived independently myself for many years, I enjoyed having the house to myself. I start to feel a bit agitated when I don't get time to myself, so I would encourage you to carry on doing things you enjoy - extending your own boundaries and giving your W some me time. Try not to see it as a rejection (I'm not suggesting that you do BTW) and see it as an opportunity.

It may be that S is having some transitional feelings perhaps? Pleased that M&D will be together, but it's a change and that may feel a bit scary and lead to acting out perhaps? It's great that you have done so much work to strengthen your bond with him, and can help him through this too.

Keep posting Edz & good luck! :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Part 20 - reassembly instructional [Re: Sotto] #2573061
05/29/15 01:10 PM
05/29/15 01:10 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
UK
E
edz Offline OP
Member
edz  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
UK
Hi Toots and thanks.

Absolutely, w and I spoke about space as I said, in fact we've talked about how things can work. Some days I'll be off doing my GAL exercises, off out with s for fun days exactly as now so she can just chill. Sometimes will be the reverse with w and s and obviously all of us. I'll be working back at the office for a bit and not from home (snowstorms / health / etc allowing!) so she doesnt feel hemmed in.

S's behaviour predates us deciding to reconcile, its been an uphill battle for her with him for a while. Probably connected to me being the "downtime" one and her full time and educating trying to engage him. I did try not to just be fun dad but balance but inevitably theres an element of that. This will now balance out more and I can help with routines etc instead of w having to do them all there.

Spoke to w (on phone) this morning and Im picking them up for the party then afterward dropping her off so she can chill out this evening. S and I will come back to the house, not sure it will be THE last evening we're here like this but its certainly one of them as soon I'll be actioning what we've agreed and what I can such as internet deactivation etc and some limited moving. I will be keeping an eye on her tension and body language though, this will be a difficult point for her I understand and I'll work through it with her.

Keeping on....


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Re: Part 20 - reassembly instructional [Re: edz] #2573063
05/29/15 01:21 PM
05/29/15 01:21 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
UK
E
edz Offline OP
Member
edz  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
UK
Oh meant to say, nope dont take it as a rejection anymore, way past the codependency. Im a little impatient (the last rattles of mr fixit probably) and excited to move on, I dont always understand when she needs space - as she then tells me she gets bored and spends the evening on FB/Games/Messaging me - but I can relate to needing time to miss me and anyway if she wants space I will certainly respect that need and provide what I can regardless.

My concerns were more around moving on, getting rid of the house THEN w feeling like she needed more time alone than I could easily accomodate without one of us going away for the night etc, I think we'll work on that one together over time but it doesnt seem a huige issue.

My own entertainment / occupying my time is getting better after this time alone as well, I can appreciate family time better rather than needing it to feel validated. A whole lot healthier. smile


Last edited by edz; 05/29/15 01:23 PM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Re: Part 20 - reassembly instructional [Re: edz] #2573462
05/30/15 01:20 PM
05/30/15 01:20 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,786
D
Dawn70 Offline
Member
Dawn70  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,786
Yahoo!!!!!!!!!!! smile That all sounds great, edz! I'm just tickled to death for all of you.


Me 51, H52
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
7 grandkids
Re: Part 20 - reassembly instructional [Re: Dawn70] #2574023
06/01/15 08:23 AM
06/01/15 08:23 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Ggrass Offline
Member
Ggrass  Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
So edzs it's looking like things are working well.

I'm am so very pleased for your success. It's a damn shame that's not the sort of ending we all get but we should. Just for being in the damn race.

So happy cheese and whine.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Re: Part 20 - reassembly instructional [Re: Ggrass] #2574391
06/02/15 10:09 AM
06/02/15 10:09 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
UK
E
edz Offline OP
Member
edz  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
UK
Good morning all.

Dank, dark and dismal down here I'm afraid weather-wise, hope the rest of you are seeing a nicer, brighter day.

Sitch front Im pretty much staying at flat with w and s now, BFT is being moved over this week (WFT is not presently aware!) and Im shuttling back and forth feeding her and giving her a daily brush until then.

Thanks for the posting guys, I know w and I together are now utterly different to how we were before BD, long before it. In some ways better that we were even when we got married as a lot of long lying worries, concerns, doubts and fears have been dragged kicking and screaming into the light and dealt with or at least being dealt with. I have no doubt that even if BD hadnt happened our outlook for staying together into later life (certainly post s growing and leaving home) before the changes we've both made were far, far poorer than the optimism we're both feeling for it now.

Things arent perfect, w has some health problems right now, we both have worries on s and his education and right now are still rocking two properties which is financially rather crippling.

I have no reason to complain though and every reason to be very, very grateful. I did put in a lot of work on me, repairing myself mentally and physically and in standing *BUT* without support - lots of it from the great people here, councellors and friends and also very importantly s and w taking the chance that those changes were indeed real and not being done for effect and w in making that move back toward me - without those - the current situation would be very different.

Busy weekend helping w organise and life laundry stuff with an eye on moving, made some room so I can have clothes etc at the flat. We looked at a couple of houses and I took s out for a play on the beach while w had a chill out for a couple of hours. We also took an educational trip out and dinner with some friends and their son last night. All good.

So today in office - as I said not wfh most of the time now, may be next week to look after s while w has an appointment - have a house w,s and I are going to see this evening with a view to moving soon.

Good few challenges yet in getting the housing situation resolved, where we're moving to (we wont be staying at the flat medium term just short term) and slotting into a non routine routine which will still give w space and both of us GAL room and space to grow as people as well as together. It's good though, w said last night she'd miss me today and we are now back in ILY/ILYT terrtory which is immesurably emotionally fullfilling.

Anyhoo will catch up with you all soon.

Thanks Guys.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Re: Part 20 - reassembly instructional [Re: edz] #2574724
06/03/15 12:02 PM
06/03/15 12:02 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline
Member
gan  Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Originally Posted By: edz
w said last night she'd miss me today and we are now back in ILY/ILYT terrtory which is immesurably emotionally fullfilling.

That's pretty huge, Edz! Wishing only good things for you, the W and the munchkin. Oh and BFT, too!


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: Part 20 - reassembly instructional [Re: gan] #2574730
06/03/15 12:15 PM
06/03/15 12:15 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
rd500 Offline
Member
rd500  Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Sounding great Edz m really pleased for your whole family. Enjoy mate and I hope you keep posting for your own sake as much as ours. This was a much needed but a very very tough life lesson and one not to forget


Take care. Rd

Re: Part 20 - reassembly instructional [Re: rd500] #2574773
06/03/15 02:08 PM
06/03/15 02:08 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
UK
E
edz Offline OP
Member
edz  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
UK
Thanks Gan, Rd much appreciated.

Yes RD you are right, its not something I will ever forget and always something to temper my opinions of life against. I've been very lucky not only in getting a second chance in myself (I really wouldnt go back to my old self even if I could) but also in w deciding that we could have a future and also s working with me to rebuild a relationship.

It was needed indeed, w and I spoke about the same point. The best we could have hoped for if this had not happened was to carry on until s left home and I imagine w would have gone too, now we are partners and we look forward to a future together to s leaving home and beyond.

Thanks all


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Re: Part 20 - reassembly instructional [Re: edz] #2574802
06/03/15 03:16 PM
06/03/15 03:16 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 76
K
kippz Offline
Member
kippz  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 76
That's great edz. Good job! I know, going through it myself right now, that it was a lot of hard work!

Page 5 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004