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edz Offline OP
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Good morning all

The last thread was very nearly locked so here's part 20.

Busy morning and I'll post later especially to reply to the lovely toots comment but for now a quick recap after nearly 10 months, my dealing with my depression and long hard won work rebuilding my r with my son w and I are now in the early stages of piecing and talking about coming back together in m 2.0 as well as a new place to live together.

A ways off yet and many challenges on the way.

Part 20 begins...


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Posts: 1,917
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Morning EDZ

Hope you don't mind me stopping by.

Well, that gladens the heart that after all that carnage, something might get rebuilt.

Way to go, good luck!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
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Good luck with he new thread Edz. I've said before but it needs repeating , slow and steady wins the race. The finish line is in sight and I'm sure I can speak for most on here that we are over the moon for you. For me personally I most pleased for your son because my parents split when I was 11 so I know how I felt

Obviously pleased for you and W as well but don't put Edz on the back burner in 2.0 because the split wasn't all your fault. W has issues that has to be resolved as well

Hope Im not speaking out of line Edz but it's heart felt

Have a good day. Take care. Rd

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edz Offline OP
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Hi rd

Quick breather this morning (w not here as yet) no won't be putting myself at the bottom of the pile. W and I have spoken about a lot of things. One of those was me being a "wet lettuce" and never standing up for myself or my needs and then our awful lack of communication or at least listening to what each other were saying.

Its early days transitioning from talking to piecing but we will work out what s, w and I need in 2.0

Cheers

Last edited by edz; 05/17/15 10:10 AM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
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edz Offline OP
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Morning all

and its a pretty grim one weather wise here today, windy rain and cold...bleuch!

A busy day yesterday and some more movement, some forward - some back but movement nonetheless.

W came round and we went out, a few bits she needed and then we went out to get s some new jeans and bits. A new belt for me (one of mine is now too big) we also decided to get a new multi photo frame to have as we both liked it - we decided to get and set aside for when we move as something together. After getting s's bits we went and had a bite and a coffee/slushy and w investigated getting a new temporary wash basket for while they remain at the flat. W had said she'd be happy to stay for dinner so we popped to get some bits and bobs. S decided to look at the video games / play on the demonstrator while w and I went round the shop. W was delighted to get a go at the scanner (s normally grabs this wink )

Back to the house and we had some more talking before I started Dinner. W just doesn't feel she relaxes anywhere but her "home" she said that's important for me to know as its not connected to us - its the same for being at her mums, friends, anywhere but where she is at "home" - I agreed I've always know that about her and indeed she was the same when I had a house before we got married. We briefly talked about staying over as it was becoming an elephant in the room and I wanted to defuse. We are doing very well since its only 2 weeks since w said about her "Christmas" timeline but it does get to a point where the question hangs in the air "are you going, want wine?" etc. My viewpoint is I'm trying to not make her feel pushed but just to relax (as above not easy for her here and until her situation with her mum is sorted with me being there) she's also clearly not ready to stay over / share a room and I'm not pushing for that either, we did talk about it being on the timeline before we can move in again though that's not something we could leave until we're moving to a new place.

Before dinner she had started to close down a little and her body language looked defensive. Spoke to her about it and while she denied it was anything serious she did reiterate the above on relaxing, doesn't help I have the kitchen chairs and the sofa no comfy armchairs etc (money / delivery issues and now duplicating too much furniture) we did take a look at possible armchairs but we're agreed really to hold off does make it difficult for her with her back issues though.

Did offer if she was feeling a bit hemmed in she could go and come back for dinner (she had her car) but she didn't want to. Over dinner she asked s did he want to stay with me or come back (saying it was a daft question at the same time) sure enough he stayed here and after dinner w went home.

Good day and progress, felt a little conflicted after s went to bed but only insofar as feeling like I need a small change in direction now - I can carry on with myself and my development no problems but we're now running into a bit of a slowdown while w works on coming back / issues with being outside or expanding her bubble as she puts it.

As we said, we've come a long way and I keep saying that we don't need to rush but I am concious that its hard to keep talking about things (w sent me some rental property links off her own back last night on messaging) without the action looking like pushing forward which is at odds with being patient.

My own thoughts are to back off, lower MY volume and see what w does. If she seems more comfortable that's the way to go. I am wary on two fronts though w wants to see my more decisive side and not "go with the flow" which is in conflict with that and also I don't want to seem unimportant in decisions being made (an old mistake of mine).

Anyway s is still here as w had a bad night and isnt feeling too great so he's chilling out while Im wfh today and I'll get him to do some maths work soon.

Not expecting much more to happen today apart from w picking him up which I expect will be a flying visit (or I'll drop him over which would be the same).

Its the "re-entry" to solo time in the week that's sometimes a little jarring. Used to it now but feels odd after family time together. W and I did talk about this and she agrees when we're out and about and doing things she feels good, its when being in a domestic setting especially at the house that she gets her wobbles. She's working on them, I'll just be patient and validate for now and keep mr fixit under control until he's needed.

Cheers all.



Last edited by edz; 05/18/15 09:16 AM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Posts: 1,917
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Hi EDZ

OK, good stuff, but easy do it. I don't really understand this space stuff, but give her a bit more and she'll be back. This sounds really good. Happy for you.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Jul 2014
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edz Offline OP
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Thanks Huddy, I think in a big part its connected with her feeling "suffocated" and also theres no doubt I had co-dependency issues before BD, also connected to my depression.

Its not so much she feels like thats happening I think, more she worries about it coming back. As far as her own space, she has always, always been the same. She creates her own "bubble" of space where she unwinds and anywhere else she feels much like most do in a hotel room, stop, settle use as a base but its not home and she doesnt fully relax.

Thanks for popping by.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
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Hi Edz. Sounds like a great day. please take this next bit as its meant , you come accross a wee bit pushy in your convos with W. You seem to constantly tell her not to feel pressure and if she wants to go home and come back , etc.

This is all happening very fast Edz , only a few months back you would have killed to be half way here. I' e be telling you this is going to happen for a while now because as an outsider in your sitch I can look at it a bit more dispassionately. Your W wants you back but she is still scared. she is coming forward at 100mph but is holding back that small percent. She talking about where you will live yet she won't stay over all the time yet.

Edz. Youve done fantastic work on you , your R with S and now you going to be a great H and dad. This is happening and the end is in sight BUT please relax back from the constant reassuring W about your intentions. It's not your words or verbal intentions that got you here it's your actions. If You perceive Ws body language to be a certain way then thats what it is , your perception If W tells you she wants to go then fine Let this happen in a natural way. 80% Edz. If W sends you links then great. Comment , voice your opinion but don't rush out and book to see them. ( that's an Analogue ). By the same token don't say the houses are great but if it L's too soon for you to view them W then we won't because ................. I hope I'm being clear Edz. You've done your work and are continuing to do it , let W work through this in her time frame

I'm sending positive thoughts your way Edz. Take care. Rd

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Thanks RD, taken as intended and I think we're in sync thats the way to go. Dropped a gear today and relaxing a little, think its sometimes a bit of an excitement overload after feeling lost in the wilderness of w's thoughts for so long.

S was just picked up by w's friend and daughter on the way over to pick up w for a trip to a museum so back to just me again but thats ok with me right now.

Insofar as dealing with links etc, no no intention of booking anything but I'll match w's enthusiasm for looking. Completely right its her turn now to work through things as I've done my time on it (and yes I know self improvement doesnt end). Being overassuring is probably as destructive as not talking when too much gets volunteered (by me) time to calm my jets a little and relax more.

Thanks
Edz


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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I agree about the overreassuring. It can become pressure, because you are reassuring partly in the hope that she won't draw back perhaps....

There are times when you may want to say less rather than more - not reassure - just pleasantly - ok, see you later then...

I agree about the overnight thing. On the one hand your W is talking about an xmas deadline and on the other not staying over. I guess this is where patience comes in....I dont have any wise advice I'm afraid.

The thing I would say is just enjoy where you have got to thus far if possible. Try not to keep looking for the next step and the next. Practice gratitude rather than impatience. And keep up with your own activities maybe too....

I think you're doing really well Edz...:-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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