Good to read your update. I was thinking about you today when analyzing my sitch.
I was thinking about how difficult it must be for you, not really knowing what is in your H's head, not knowing that there is an OW, not having those hard and horrible facts. I was also thinking about how nice that is, not to have those "facts" popping into your head all the time - visions of them kissing or texts between them that you discovered and read. I suppose either way is difficult. But I do feel for you, your situation is rather unresolved and mysterious and it would drive me crazy.
But it is so admirable how you have taken this time to look within yourself and try to improve things you found lacking. You seem like such a great person. You should be very proud of yourself.
Whatever the reasons your H chose to leave, he is a fool. And whatever happens in the future you deserve the ultimate happiness.
I'm around that one year anniversary too and it's funny how things have changed yet remain the same. Still unresolved and uncertain but at least the horrible heartache has mostly passed. I'm glad that we could all be buddies through this process.
Jim: I guess for a while now I've been open to the idea of getting to know a guy if someone were to cross my path and I was interested. I've not really put myself in situations where that kind of thing is happening much though. So I guess for me the next step would be signing up to an online dating site and seeing what unfolds. That being said, I did have a look at OKC the other day...and really struggled with the idea of connecting up with someone who puts up a dodgy photo and chooses a stoopid namesake. I may just have to get over myself though...
Lisa: Thanks for your kind words. Yeah hard to know if things are resolved or not. No more or less than anyone else's situation here I guess (though decidedly more dark than most). H has told me he's been on some dates and so my mind could go there if I let it. I think I've just accepted that he's gotta do what he's gotta do in order to find his way out of this. Maybe he'll come knocking on my door when he does, in which case I'll just have to see where my heart/head is at at that time.
Treated myself to a spot of shopping and a spa pedi yesterday (only the second time I've ever done that!) Another 30km walk today + yoga. It's been nice seeing a few familiar faces on the walks (Meetup group). Plan to catch up with a girl I met at another Meetup event during the week.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
A post...in celebration (?) of the 1-year anniversary since H moved out. H can now file.
Been an interesting start to the week (in gan's world anyway) :
1. Monday night GAL with new Meetup BFF. She's on a similar journey, having separated from her H about 6 months ago...though she has no plans to save that M (affair was deal breaker for her). I think we will have some fun GALing in the city. Today we shared text tales of hosiery malfunctions...
2. Just participated in my first non-violent communication practice group meeting. For those following the "riveting tales of gan" I read the book a while ago and recommended people here might like to check out the videos by Rosenburg on Youtube. He uses jackal and giraffe hand puppets to demonstrate "violent" and "non-violent" approaches to communication. The founding premise is that we all have needs that are the same regardless of culture, gender etc (e.g. to be connected, to be safe, to be appreciated). When these needs are being met we feel certain feelings (like happiness, excitement); when they aren't being met we have different feelings (like sadness, hopelessness, frustration). These serve as common ground - a way to connect with others.
Tonight we practiced listening with empathy. In NVC, you listen and make guesses about how the other person might be feeling and what needs are being unmet. Not important whether you get it right or wrong; by taking a guess, it give's the person an opportunity to clarify and for you to better understand. It looks like this:
A (experienced NVC practitioner): So tell us a little about what is going on with you at the moment, B. B (novice): I'm feeling a little lost in life, just broke up with my BF, not sure about my career etc etc... A: Oh, so it sounds like you are overwhelmed because you don't have much clarity about the future? B (opens up more): Yes! I feel like X, Y, Z.... A: Mmm...so you are lonely and you miss being close to another person? B: Sort of. I guess I do feel lonely.... etc etc
It was actually really interesting to hear B open up (she got quite emotional). She explained at the end that she felt really good knowing that others could identify with her feelings. She also found it useful to have other people put a label on her feelings.
One thing I found enlightening was just the notion of creating space for the other person. I think in some ways I thought empathy was about relating your own experiences...but that takes the focus off the other person and on to you. I asked the facilitator about this - how do you hold back and just allow the other person to talk rather than jump in with your own experiences and how you felt with it (ahem...Mr(s) Fixit). She made a couple of suggestions which I thought might be useful to people here:
1. Ask yourself what need of MINE am I trying to fill by fixing this; 2. After you've done a little to and fro with guessing at the feelings and needs, if you do see a solution say something like "I've got a strategy that I tried when I was in a similar session. Would you like to hear it?"
Next session is next week. Think I'll pull out the book and videos again for a refresh...
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hi Gan, just wanted to wish you well on your antiversary. Ours is in July, so I'm not at the year mark yet, but I'm not far behind you.
Sounds like you've been having an interesting week. I've also been enjoying new friendships & have been out a couple of times with a woman whose H was unfaithful. It's nice to spend time with people who have been through it. I feel no inclination to date at all, but I'm enjoying female friendships just now.
Interesting on the communication workshop too. I haven't ever watched the jackal, giraffe etc stuff - maybe time for me to take a look?
Take care Gan xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Gan, so interesting to read about that non-violent communication meeting. I saw myself in your example! I find it pretty easy to connect with people but I do tend to use a lot of "I get what you are feeling - here is my similar story." And never really thought about how to connect in a different way. This is super interesting. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, Toots and Lisa. Yeah the NVC stuff is really quite interesting. The phone-based practice groups are running over a 4 weeks (free) and then I think the plan is to have a workshop (paid). If the next few calls are similar to the first then I'd be keen to attend the latter. Methinks Gg and Jim would like it also.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I think in some ways I thought empathy was about relating your own experiences...but that takes the focus off the other person and on to you.
This has never occurred to me before, but makes perfect sense on how I saw being empathetic. Thanks for posting this and the suggestions given by the facilitator, one more thing I need to work on changing!
Side note: as a fellow D(M)B fan I have to ask - favorite song? I've always been a Bartender person myself, but recently came across Mercy and it's making a run towards the top.
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
I love reading your adventures. My intrepid explorer friend who visits Uganda a country I love on a continent I adore.
Gan there is a different space in travelling our journey with each other in current cyber time. In years to come, new DBers will read the threads to know and perceive the wisdom and advice. As we travel and apply that advice we impact each other's lives as we go. There is a sense in which empathy, sympathy and even controversial views can be insightful and resonate.
The jackal has his role to play, Jackal talk can be a 180 for a giraffe, doing that which works rather than that which we percieve to be the higher ground.
My sitch needed a little Jackal edginess, and I suspect there are occasions when yours does too. It is knowing how and when to switch and manage.
Giraffe ears are useful but a jackal mouth can achieve results too.
Jackals can protect against the predator.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 06/04/1501:49 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Jedi79: Hmmmm...tough one. Ants Marching is up there but I'd have to say Dancing Nancies (Central Park version). I quite like Seven, too I have to confess that I came to DMB rather late. Actually it was one of the last bands I saw live with H. Do you know John Butler Trio? Aussie band that I reckon you'll like if you are a DMB fan.
Vanilla: Yes, I see your point, though I think in my case - as I have a direct communication style that lands heavily on some ears - my goal is to become more giraffe-like.
Fun night out at trivia tonight with my team for Global Corporate Challenge (workplace stepping competition). We've signed up for WWF's Wild Onesie Week as well so had fun donning onesies earlier in the day for a team photo. If we reach our donation target we've agreed to wear our onesies when we give a lecture later in the year.
Last edited by gan; 06/04/1501:59 PM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
And you guys are way over my head with Australian Pink Floyd and asterisks......
I have to confess that I came to DMB rather late. Actually it was one of the last bands I saw live with H. Do you know John Butler Trio? Aussie band that I reckon you'll like if you are a DMB fan.