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BEClem #2568201 05/15/15 09:15 PM
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Its pretty typical really.

Now you can start a new thread.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2568203 05/15/15 09:19 PM
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Roger that Cadet. Thank you.

Interesting dynamic.

BEClem #2568205 05/15/15 09:19 PM
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Cadet,

Are you a success story? A coach? Just wondering since you are a moderator.

BEClem #2568233 05/15/15 11:03 PM
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Originally Posted By: BEClem
You know a weird thought I had: this is not a serious thought but kind of a funny one.

Reading through the forums and different stories it feels like my W is DBing me in a way: I know that isn't the case.

But she detached. She GAL. She doesn't pursue. And it makes me want her.

Anyone else ever notice that?

I know she isn't actually DBing me: but it's kind of interesting.


I started to realize this too recently. For the past few years, I was the one emotionally withdrawn. Now it seems like she is DBing me and all I do is want her more. The irony is not lost on me. Keep up the faith. I'm only 3 months into this and have made too many mistakes to count. I still have hope for my M and have hope for your M. I think you're doing very well, all things considered. Detaching is really the hardest part and everyone on here understands and has been there. At first, even GALing was hard, but I'm finding it's getting a lot easier now that I understand you can GAL anywhere at any time. Never realized what a grump I was at work. Then I just started smiling and engaging in conversations and laughing with the guys. Work has suddenly become a lot more fun and I realize this is GALing...

We all have our ups and downs... hiding the downs has been a problem of mine on here. This is the one place we should feel free to "let it out". RAI pointed this out to me today, and it helped a lot.


M: 8 years, together 9
M: 41 W: 32
D 4, S 6
ILYBINILWY 2/10/15
2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home
4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread
4/19/15 W asked for D
SadDood #2568243 05/16/15 12:07 AM
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Sad. Keep fighting the good fight. I pray everyday not only for myself but for all of us on this board.

My biggest problem is that I am my own worst enemy. Bond told me, and he is right, that until I start helping mysel that no one else can help me.

I just had a huge setback tonight that was self inflicted. My W has rekindled a friendship with a childhood friend. I've been so paranoid that something is going on.

I got off from work early tonight and went to stop by my house to see the kids. His car was there.

So I called W, against my better judgement. She was livid. She said yes. He is here. How many times do I have to tell you that he is my friend. Nothing more.
There is no PA. There is no EA.

Then something she said really hit home with me and made me take the hardest look I have taken at myself through this while process. She said "I don't want to be with him. I don't want to be with anybody. And I probably won't want to be with anyone ever again because if all the s&$t you put me through."

The it hit me. I am my own worst enemy. I asked her "I keep shorting myself in the foot with you don't I? Every time I take a step forward I take a step back". She said "yup".

I told her I was trying and didn't want to make any more mistakes. So she told me "than stop making mistakes. Just do it".

This really opened my eyes. It is long past time for me to get myself under control. There is no OM. I have hurt my wife so much that she doesn't want to be with anyone.

And if I'm really listening to what she told me tonight her message was clear: Stop making mistakes. Stop making excuses. Stop talking and do.

I fully expect everyone to chime in and kick my butt for my setback tonight. I deserve it. I am very angry with myself right now.

BEClem #2568245 05/16/15 12:10 AM
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Sorry for the typos: tying on iPhone.

BEClem #2568250 05/16/15 12:19 AM
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BEClem... I can sympathize with you 100%. I am truly my own worst enemy throughout my M and ever since BD. The changes I should have been making, I only made worse. Mostly my emotional swings.

The more I read your last post, the more I get it. I think we are in the same boat. I've done everything in my power to sabotage reconciliation. Not understanding this until now. This is what people are talking about when they say work on yourself and detach.

Just like RAI said to me... we're both very reactive to our S moods. We need to be the Lighthouse. As I come out of the fog of denial... I need to see myself in the storm... as the lighthouse.

Best of luck to you. Nobody is without faults and the more mistakes we make, the harder it will be to reconcile or move on with our lives.

Cadet said in another thread that it is so much easier to be objective about other people's sitch... because we are detached. This really hit home for me.


M: 8 years, together 9
M: 41 W: 32
D 4, S 6
ILYBINILWY 2/10/15
2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home
4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread
4/19/15 W asked for D
SadDood #2568254 05/16/15 12:25 AM
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Thanks Sad. I'm here for you man. Thanks for being here for me.

BEClem #2568256 05/16/15 12:43 AM
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Thanks to you too BEC... sometimes I swear I'm learning disabled because none of this seemed comprehensible to me. Only recently has it become clearer.

I hated reading this when I first started reading the threads because I was so focused on saving my M. But, we will get through this... with our spouse or not. DBing is about you!

I'm so new to this, so, I'm probably not much help. I'm having such a hard time controlling my own emotional roller coaster, that I haven't stopped to see the sitch for what it is and how I contributed to where I am. I think, from your last post, you can see how you got to where you are.

It's Friday... do something for YOU!


M: 8 years, together 9
M: 41 W: 32
D 4, S 6
ILYBINILWY 2/10/15
2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home
4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread
4/19/15 W asked for D
SadDood #2568261 05/16/15 12:55 AM
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Sorry, tried to add this to my last post but time expired.


Bond is very direct and his 2x4's are a wake up call. At first, I had a hard time deciphering all the signs and different advice. The VET's know their stuff! I'm thankful for Bond's responses, and have re-read them all in my thread. Was just too dim to actually realize what he was telling me. First of all SLOW WAY down... (I have to tell myself this constantly). At first I thought patience meant a few weeks... how wrong I was. Live one day at a time, but start thinking in terms of years to rekindle your M, if you can get back to YOU first. Can't remember the thread, but Zues had a great analogy about a card game. Really put things into perspective.

Man, it is so much easier to be objective about other people's sitch. I don't have any good advice, but there are definitely posts that have helped me understand immensely. One is from a moderator talking about what going Dark is really about. JonJames? I printed it out and read it everyday to remind myself. Wish I had a link to it.


New thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2568283#Post2568283

Last edited by Cadet; 05/16/15 10:54 AM. Reason: Link

M: 8 years, together 9
M: 41 W: 32
D 4, S 6
ILYBINILWY 2/10/15
2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home
4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread
4/19/15 W asked for D
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