Oct 14-28, 2014 | W cheating and near-separation in 2009, search for explanations for BD 2014 Oct 28-Nov 4 | OM confirmed through kids on Halloween, refocus on me rather than blaming W Nov 4-10 | OM confirmed by W in email, strollergate, W has problems at work, unexpected blind date Nov 10-18 | Lunch with W went well, reflections on being dumped, kids and OM Nov 18-Dec 8 | W warms up but OM set to move in in January, W's birthday email Dec 8-Jan 2, 2015 | To be nice or not to be, two trips make me feel better, office party video Jan 2-16 | Turning down lunch invite, telling W I need to move on, W emails about D Jan 16-31 | WAW wants to change job, move to her country, I agree to meet Feb 2-25 | Plans for moving abroad are nixed, D papers are delayed at my request, flirting experiments begin Feb 27-Mar 24 | D7 birthday plans, PMA crash, serial cheating, dating debate, detachment at last? Mar 24 - Apr 29 | Great dating debate, the expensive watch, GALing better, my tone on these forums
My story After 9.5 years together and two kids, my W announced in early September 2014 that she wanted a separation. A week of pleading and begging didn't change a thing. She said she wanted to be free, alone, find her true self, that I was criticizing her too much, that we're incompatible, that she was unhappy and no longer in love with me and she didn't want to live with half-emotions. She had told me before of some of those complaints and that she was miserable. We had not yet addressed everything, we would fight more than average, and I wasn't changing fast enough, so she was growing hopeless that things would improve.
A week after BD, she moved out. A month and a half later, she confirmed my suspicions that she was with a coworker, met at the new job she started a month before BD. He moved in with her in January. Our two daughters know and like him and generally take the S in strides.
DBing I accept responsibility for what I did in the M, by being too critical and dismissive of my W's feelings. I understand that my W was looking for something she wasn't finding in the M. I sometimes understand why she left, since she was miserable, and sometimes think leaving was too strong a reaction for the situation. I tend to blame her flight reflex and unrealistic expectations for love and family life.
My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me. In January, I told her I didn't want to interact beyond the practicalities of the kids because I need to move on. I'm good at being silent and distant so the "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me. After eight months and little contact, I can say that detachment is starting to take hold. I see a therapist since BD and I've decided to tip my toe in the dating pool. _________________________________________________
SUCCESS STORIES I update this list every time I start a new thread. Please make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.
Piecing as of 2014-2015 (newly added)Jefe (M) T0324 (W) H leaves in Febr 2014, filed for D, had OW, piecing fails in Aug 2014, piecing again in Mar 2015 Crimson (W) Heart14 (W) Signs 2014-02, DB 2014-07, Piecing since 2014-07 Nitty - BD in December 2013, piecing as of September 2014
Again, I'm pleased that my last thread has lasted longer than ever. It is one of my objective to focus less on my sitch and more on my life. Time goes by faster when I do and I believe time is on my side.
I come every day but I spend less time here, so I'm less aware of the success stories. I'm still willing to gather them at the top of my next threads, so I would be very grateful if some of you might want to come and add the ones that they identify around the forums, whether they be piecing, reconciliation or letting go.
I regularly search for "Mozza" to see if I'm mentioned, so I won't miss your posts when you refer to me.
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Detachment report | My W called me tonight. This was a first in 2015. We don't talk. We text and email as short as possible and only about mandatory stuff for the kids — we wouldn't even tell each other if a kid gets sick. I was worried because in the past she tried to corner me or make big announcements. Did she lose her job? Break up? Wanted to restart the D papers? It turns out that she has a health scare. Right now, it's still very early and no tests have concluded that she's sick, but her doctors have run more tests and the results will come in in a few weeks. If she's sick, it won't be life threatening or even life altering, as far as I can tell at the moment. Her condition might worsen though and it's never good to be sick. I don't know why she called and neither does she. She said "So I wanted you to know because... because... well, I thought you should know." My mindreading theory is that she still turns to me every time there is something about her safety. A month or two ago, she texted me that there was a house fire... a quarter mile from her place.
I didn't quite know how to react. On the one hand, my reflex was to show compassion, even though she doesn't have negative results at the moment. On the other hand, I'm in no mood to provide H-type support. She left me proudly saying that she didn't want my support anymore and I don't want her to have her cake and eat it. I think I walked the line, told her it was worrisome indeed, and to keep me posted.
PMA report | Still crying almost every day. It feels like I've been on a plateau. Sometimes I can cry at the strangest things, but I think I've identified a thread: love and care. When I hear or see something that suggests someone really cares for another, it sets off the flood. Maybe by my fault, but my WW didn't care much about me for several months before BD and it hurt me greatly at the time.
Flirting report | I went to get a facial and a massage yesterday (metrosexual all the way!) and got into a talk with the woman, who's about my age. It was mentioned that I'm separated and that she's single and looking. She was also quite attractive. I thought I should invite her for a coffee, but I couldn't find the nerve. It just felt awkward to go down that road after she had touched me so much. Still, I'm always disappointed when I don't muster the nerve to ask for what I want, for fear of rejection or awkwardness.
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Everyone who wrote since my last post: thank you! I will get to it. I just spent 90 minutes on my new thread and this post, so now I need to clean the kitchen and prepare tomorrow!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks Mozza. I love what you do with your thread.
Not much to add other than to root you on. I get why you want to focus less on your sitch. Maybe continue to post more on other people's? We're in that weird stage where we're far from being vets but we're not in the immediate post BD shell-shock. I think we play a valuable role in letting people see the progression. And we have also have a very clear memory of some of the things they are dealing with.
OK, I'm just selfish. I really just like reading your posts. Clean up and we'll talk later.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hey Mozza - I'm responding to this from RAI's thread:
Originally Posted By: Mozza
raliced: I'm very interested in the research on the detrimental impact of exposing kids to OP. Any pointers? My instinct tells me it's no big deal, but you know me enough to know that I will want to know what the research says and will bow to it.
I've never seen a scholarly study - just surveys. I based my comment that there is a wealth of readily available data on the number of articles on this topic. (Try googling "When to introduce kids to a romantic interest for the first few dozen )
I'd say they fall into two separate categories. There are warnings about introducing them too soon during the actual divorce and too soon afterwards - and the general thought seems to be that the kids are processing enough changes without the introduction of a new quasi-family member, and that it is also hard for them while they are grieving the end of their family.
Then there is a lot of advice about what to do post divorce - in that situation the guidance is generally to only introduce when its pretty serious because of the pain it can cause the kids if they get attached but the relationship ends. There does seem to be significant sub group that says that you need to introduce fairly early on to make sure the potential partner is ok with kids.
Somewhat ironically, the lawyer that my STBX is using has a "Divorce Resources" section on his site with an article that emphatically states you shouldn't introduce your kids to a new partner during divorce proceedings. Oh, how I wanted to send STBX that link!
thanks for your advice and telling it to me like it is (warts and all).
I wanted to add another success story to your list: Onguard (infidelity section) has begun piecing. It is a very short thread, but excellent, with a lot of insight from the vets.
I understand the plateau, I've been there. If you think about it, the emotional rollercoaster has slowed, but its still running. I also get the whole 'love and care' thing. But while its missing right now, it won't be missing forever.
So, I've been definitely trying to better voice what I want and I can see its a fight with me and well....with me. It's really tough and I can see its part of what I need to work on.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Wow, this is like a reunion! Thank you so much to all who came by already on this new thread. I came here to save my M, then myself and now I come for the friendship.
GAL report | It's been so long since my last GAL report. Suffice to say that I'm plenty busy. I don't really have downtime at home to feel bad about the sitch. I have the dance lessons, gym three days a week, I attended a few sports game (unusual for me), I run errands, meet up with friends, etc. Tomorrow, I'm going to a function with one of my alumni, then said dance lesson, Friday a meeting of entrepreneurs, Saturday I'm helping a friend renovate and then a date (!) in the evening, Sunday I don't know but if nothing comes up, I'm thinking of the Fine Arts Museum.
Work report | After a few very quiet weeks, all my clients woke up at once. I don't understand why, but work went from 0 to sixty in one week. I even have 3-4 new potential clients. Thankfully, I feel more motivated and focused than before, so I take it up in strides, even though I'm nervous it will clog at some point. Nevertheless, it's fun to have the income to look forward to because I've been dipping in my savings as of late.
Detachment report | Last week, I was going to a function where I could practice my flirting (ie: gather the courage to walk up to an attractive stranger and strike up a conversation) so I had dressed up nicely. By coincidence, I ran into WW on the street. It was in some ways the perfect DB encounter, as prescribed by MWD: I was top shape, in a good mood and in a rush to go somewhere. We talked for 90 seconds about summer camps (she had called me from across the street). When it was finished, I turned around and started running because I was late. I really don't like seeing WW, but I couldn't have planned this one better. And at the function, I did chat up a very nice woman who ended up asking me for my number. Not much there afterwards though.
Flirting/dating report | This online dating thing has gotten the flirting experiment to another level. Before, it was just a matter of facing my fear of rejection to talk to attractive women. I don't feel it online because it's clear that everyone there is interested in something and expects people to come on to them. I can still get rejected, but it stings much less. Most interesting is that I have to reject some women too. It's incredibly difficult (ladies, I understand better what it's like for you!), but I take the high road and respond, rather than ignore. It made me realize that I probably have a fear of confrontation in an unfamiliar context. Still learning more about myself, so that's good.
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Zues126 | Your posts are very touching. Yes, in some ways and parts of my life, I am a leader. Yes, you and I somewhat represent two perspectives on these boards: you for the total commitment to M and me for moving on and dating-while-separated. I respect your views greatly and I hope that it shows. Thanks for following me.
raliced | Do I believe it when my WW told me that I didn't love her enough and that I was a robot? In part, yes. The thing is that my WW told me that she was miserable before meeting OM. What she said at the time, I believe. That I didn't love her enough, that was at BD though, so I'm not sure about it. This being said, I also realize that she was holding me responsible for her unhappiness. No wonder she seemed as miserable five months after BD.
As for the kids' contacts with OP, well I guess there's nothing I can do about it now. Interestingly enough, I almost never hear about OM from my daughters. All I hear is negative in fact: how he stinks when he's back from running, how he gargles with water, how he gets upset when D3 is noisy. A friend of mine asked D7 how she felt about him (I wasn't there) and she responded that she was uncomfortable with the question. Attagirl!
gan | Yes, what seems like little adjustments to us were probably big deals to them. I believe that an aggression has a deeper impact on the victim than the aggressor realizes, and that applies to a fight or even just a threat (I think it also applies to S and that WAS have no idea how much LBS hurt). We should be very careful in the future never to minimize our impact when we are the aggressors.
jim0987 | Did I hide my emotions for fear of showing weakness or upsetting people? Perhaps. The emotions I hid were positive, such as enthusiasm, love, affection, even sadness. Why the heck did I hide this? First, I was afraid to be mocked, I guess, if my WW could see that the kids, her or a movie made me cry with motion. I held it in or turned away. But also, I didn't want to make her feel good. We had ongoing fights and I felt like she shouldn't be rewarded at the time or just didn't feel like being demonstrative to her. The only support I'd give her was "logical", like "good on you for applying to this job", but never "you have no idea how much I love you right now". I see now how ridiculous this is. I now do the opposite with my kids: I show them love all the time, even when I'm upset with them. I never decline a hug. And they adore me and tell me they love me about 30 times a day. One of my main lesson of the S is that I should always, always make my partner understand that I love her, no matter how upset I am.
Thanks a lot for the prompt on work and GAL. It was the inspiration for the two updates above.
Karma12 | Nice to see you again. No, your recent interactions with your STBX are not exactly what I was thinking about. Let's give it some more time.
MCS | Yes, many of us here have to learn to express our desires and wants. It's a surprise for me to realize how difficult this was because most people around me would have said that I was assertive. But it's a different matter in different aspects of my life. I've a lot of work to do, but I feel good when I make progress. I can tell that I'm going to a place where I'll be more comfortable in my own skin.
Cadet | While I appreciate greatly your work since you became a moderator, I don't understand why you suddenly strictly enforce the no external links policy. It's been the policy all along, yet there was some flexibility in it. Perhaps you could explain why you feel that your approach is increasing the value of these forums, for MWD and for the contributors?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
