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The next time you have to see him, think of this as you walk by him with your head held high and with attitude..."I did nothing to be ashamed of. I am worthy. He cannot take anymore from me. I wont allow it." And then walk by with a flip of your hair. Show him strength even if you arent feeling it yet. Show him that he did not break you..because he didnt.
OR - just think to yourself: "SUCKAHHHHH" and walk on by
uR & Ellie... soooooo glad to hear from you. Been in a bit of desperation this week. I didn't read your posts yet bc I want to get this out... and my memory does not serve me well these days..
I got home from p/u s18 tonight, and d14 texted me that she was next door at bil talking with her aunt. It was... different... but that's fine.
She came home all flustered. Apparently her friend bailed on going with her this weekend, which leave her alone with xh. She is not even trying to consider it. So she went next door to see if she could get bil and her cousin to go.
Bil has to work, and xh was texting d14, looks like it's just me and you. So she was trying to talk him into taking n14. He said no. She said she wouldn't go. He said he just spend $90 and she does not have a choice- she's going.
D14 was not having it. She said no way and that he's boring. They went back and forth a little. This is what I recall her telling me from their back and forth:
d14: I don't want to go with you. It will be boring.
xh: That hurts my feelings.
d14: Well it hurts my feelings that you live with that rat and had a baby with her.
xh: That's not nice.
d14: It's not nice that you left us.
xh: I'm sorry d14.
xh: Things didn't work out with your mom and me.
d14: You told me you were coming back.
d14: Maybe I should wipe baby crap on your truck and you will come back.
(N14 watched the video at bil of that and told d14 when hww did it to xh's truck when he left... seriously...)
xh: Do you hate me too?
d14: No I don't hate you. I hate your poor choices. Night.
xh: Good night. I love you.
Wow... that's a lot for a 14 year old. I may have missed some minor things... but I think that's pretty much it from what she told me. (She read it to me)
Again.... wow. This from the little tight-lipped one who doesn't say much.. won't "talk" but lets things slip out here and there.
He's such a putz. And it infuriates me that he says, "It didn't work out with me and your mom." And then "works it out" over there????? !!!!!!!! Seriously???!!!! Ugh. Twice... without a f'ing discussion and it didn't work out. That implies that there was effort in that, right? I am leaving my own feelings out w/ d14... but inside... that.... putz. Why does he say that?
uR, you know.. I do walk proud when i see him. I don't feel ashamed of myself or anything like that. It is just so hard to see him. I can fake it like nobody's business... but I'm just struggling with the inside.
I did get control... I didn't let him get away with taking my strength. I pulled it together.
But I am pissed at him bc he did not treat me with any type of dignity. No type of respect. I know it's crazy. I know I can't make sense of any of it. But that in itself is a difficult concept to grasp. I get it. The rational part of me understand what I should think and do. That there is no rationality to it. I just don't know how he can continue to go through the motions. How he can put effort into something.
But I'm done with it. I am spinning a little. I thought I'd gotten past this part. That's what's so frustrating. Just when I think I'm past some stuff... something says... noooooope...
Maybe I'm my worst enemy- which I don't know how to defeat. I am clearly aware of what I should(ish) do...
I know I sound like I'm not getting better. I realize this. But outside of---- this----- these remaining issues, everything else is moving alone.
For awhile, it was like a vortex I was trying to escape. I was fighting against it- so hard- to get out. As I was near the end, entering the outskirts, there was a suction cup on my core... It was so hard to get past that suction.
I know... I'm an idiot. Just felt like that. I think I've surpassed that point. However... I've just got to let go. Let go. Let go. I think the hardest part is I don't know what I'm holding on to. I feel like I've let him go. Maybe my expectation of who i thought he was? I don't know.
Maybe the insult of not only how he discarded me.. but that it "didn't work out" crap... or that THAT is worthy of effort. Whatever. Not going to do this to myself anymore.
I know its hard to see him, M. But the truth is, you have children together, so, its inevitable. The sooner you can detach the better for you. And sweetie, you arent detached. You are further along, but, you still have a ways to go.
Detaching to me means when I will no longer allow someone's words or actions to affect mine.
You are still in his head..trying to understand how he could do this. It just isnt going to happen because there is no logical explanation.
Originally Posted By: Mighty
But I am pissed at him bc he did not treat me with any type of dignity. No type of respect. I know it's crazy. I know I can't make sense of any of it.
You see that up there ^^^? You want something from him that he is/was incapable of and you keep expecting to understand why. It just is. Was it right? Hel! no!! But it's what happened.
Then you wrote this:
Originally Posted By: Mighty
The rational part of me understands what I should think and do. That there is no rationality to it. I just don't know how he can continue to go through the motions. How he can put effort into something.
You say that you understand there is no rationality to it, but then ask how he can continue to go through the motions. He is broken, confused, in crisis. Not to give an excuse, just an explanation.
You keep hoping for something different and as long as you do, you will continue to hurt.
I want you to understand that I am not picking on you. Not at all. I care a great deal about you. I was you for a very long time. Couldnt believe it, couldnt get my mind around it. It kept me stuck. Until the day when I just accepted that it doesnt matter why he did it. It just didnt. It happened the way it did for whatever reasons it did and there was nothing I can do to change it. So, I made the decision to let it go. I just said to myself, no amount of me not understanding it was going to change what happened. No amount of me thinking about it or playing it over and over in my head was going to either.
But what that would do was make me crazy. What it would do was keep me in that place.
Listen, Mighty, you are doing great, really. I just know how you feel and I want you not to feel that way for one minute longer than you need to.
Originally Posted By: Mighty
I think the hardest part is I don't know what I'm holding on to. I feel like I've let him go. Maybe my expectation of who i thought he was? I don't know.
About that ^^^. You are holding onto who he was. You are holding onto trying to understand what he did. You are holding onto the feelings of betrayal and abandonment.
I remember for me, holding onto all of that was my comfort zone of sorts. As long as I could keep wondering, I didnt have to move forward.
He did what he did. It succks that he did it. You cant understand it and thats ok, M. It really is.
But the way to peace is letting the feelings wash over you. It is saying...what happened is not a reflection of me, but of him. He has chosen what he has, now I get to choose me.
If you allow yourself to let go of the bad feelings when you can, you will feel lighter. Put them in a balloon and let them fly away, Mighty.
You are amazing. Be that. You are strong. Be that, too.
What you had with him was real, M. It was. Cherish those memories. Honor them. And love him enough to let him go..and more importantly, love yourself enough, too.
Hey Mighty - Some good responses you're getting here, as usual. When I read what you write, I think 'I could have written about 80% of it.' I'm still working on letting go. And although the good days now outnumber the bad, I, too, have to deal with the 'new family' thing. We never had children, and he has now been with OW 17 years younger than him -- with two children ages 6 and 8 -- for almost 2 years. Instant family! The thought of THAT alone, not to mention JUST the OW part, is enough to almost kill me. But I just keep reminding myself there's nothing I can do about it, there's nothing I can do about the past, and he is SO not worth my time and energy nowadays. He threw his entire life away for whatever it is he has now. He had a right to make those choices, however 'unfair' they seem. A friend's mom, almost 80 years old now, said to me tonight 'I just can't imagine he's really happy.' I told her 'I can't either.' I really can't. But, that doesn't matter. That is not something worth spending my time thinking about. And you know what? While planning my new life (our house just sold and I've got about 5 weeks to get out of here), I find I just do not have time anyway! I realize I have a lot to look forward to. So do you, Mighty. So much!
I told someone the other day (who is in a similar situation, and in the process of D) that I'm moving forward with 'LiveNow 2.0' (thanks, Cali). They really got a kick out of that, and said they look forward to talking with me again -- they feel they have much to learn from me. It made me feel great -- and grateful, that I found all of you on this board that helped me come as far as I have. I truly do hope I can help others by coming through this crap in one piece. You can too. (You already are, by posting here.) Who knows, maybe that is part of your purpose on this earth. Maybe it's part of mine too. All I know is, I'm going to keep reading here -- and I look forward to hearing just how freakin' AWESOME Mighty 2.0 is!
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
You know what struck me, Mighty? Your daughter. She is very articulate. She also is healing. She is rightfully p**sed at her father. But she is differentiating between that hurt and her love of her father. That's incredible at any age!
She expressed, very well, how she feels. She differentiates between him and his choices. She does not like what he did, but she is not kicking him to the curb either.
When I got married, I made a vow. When I had kids, I took on the responsibility to raise them to the best of my ability. My spouse's behavior and choices never let me off the hook for that. As a parent, I have an obligation to my kids. To see them grow up healthy and able to deal with life, whatever comes.
I take that seriously. To me, it means helping my kids and loving them unconditionally. I've been tested, believe me. But it doesn't let me off the hook. What my spouse did, doesn't give me the right to walk away from those obligations, even if I don't agree with her choices or those of her new husband.
I point that out, because you're not the type to walk away either. What happened...su*ks. It's not what you wanted, but it is what happened. You know that, and your feelings are catching up to that as you learn to live differently.
See what your daughter wrote again. Note how she is differentiating between his choices and who he is now. She doesn't like it, Mighty. She's hurt by his choices. But she is learning and walking through the grief, sorrow and anger.
You are obviously doing a great job, Mighty. For a child to have that ability doesn't come naturally. It has to be learned. They learn from you. They learn from the world around them, too, but primarily from their parents. It's an echo of sorts
Let go of the person he was, and see him for who he is. Deal with him that way. Get your quiet time and recharge. Think about it - he's not going to be the person you knew. He's too broken and trying to put himself together. Not very well, but he's trying. He wants to have a relationship with his kids - that's huge in this arena, believe me. But know that he is not who you knew and likely won't ever be again.
Since you can't change what happened, perhaps you can reframe how you see it and how you see him?
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I’ve gone back and forth on whether to chime in…but…I’ve decided not to stay silent.
Mighty, not only do I believe you are absolutely right to be angry at your ex telling your daughter “Things didn't work out with your mom and me” but I believe you should address his comment with both your children.
I have a problem teaching children they should “share” responsibility for another person’s bad choices..which is what I believe your ex just did.
For a moment I will completely agree with your husband. I will agree to any argument he could give for how unpleasant life was with you. If he says you were the meanest, most unsupportive wife that ever lived. Okay. I agree. If he says you could have been more attractive, more loving, more agreeable, and more pleasant. Okay. I agree. If he says, you spent all of his money and never made him feel validated. Okay. I agree.
He still choose to leave the sanctity of the marriage bed and place his penis inside another woman. Not only did he place his penis inside another woman but he did it carelessly. He did it so carelessly that she got pregnant.
When your ex said “better or for worse” what did he think “worse” was? Moreover…what did he expect of you…as his wife…when he heard these words from you on his wedding day? What did he expect you had to put up with when you said “worse” in your marriage vows?
Did he expect you to remain in the marriage when he was mean, unattractive, unsupportive, unloving, disagreeable, and unpleasant? Did he expect you to validate him no matter what HE did? Even if he spent money on things you didn’t agree with?
And if you were unfaithful and allowed another man to place his penis inside of you…did he see himself in a dual role as “working it out” with you? What if you had been careless with your vagina and allowed yourself to get pregnant? Would he have remained in the marriage?
Would he have seen himself with the dual responsibility of “working it out” with you?
I agree that no marriage can be successful unless we learn the art of compromise and learn how to work things out. Your daughter should know this.
But! And this is a huge BUT!
Your daughter should also know there is one thing that will never be her fault!
And that is infidelity.
Infidelity is a choice by the person who cheats.
Millions of married couples are unhappy because they believe their spouse is mean, unsupportive, unattractive, unloving, disagreeable, and unpleasant.
But despite their unhappiness, they do not cheat. That is a line they do not cross--because they understand infidelity is wrong. In almost every society—infidelity is wrong.
It was your ex-husband’s responsibility to “work it out” once his infidelity came to light and you agreed to remain in the marriage. Any reaction you had to learning that your husband had left the sanctity of your marriage bed and carelessly place his penis in another woman’s vagina was justified.
Did you get angry? It was justified. Did you demand things from him? It was justified.
And was it his responsibility to “work it out?”
Mighty—His infidelity was never your issue and, I believe, your daughter should know this.
Because, I believe, she should know that no man’s infidelity will EVER be her issue. And therefore—She should NEVER tolerate infidelity in ANY relationship she has.
I believe your ex-husband has set a dangerous example to your children for relationships and marriage. And I would take a stand—AND LET HIM KNOW I TAKE THIS STAND.
If he doesn’t like your stand…tough. He made the choice to engage in a societal taboo and he can defend it…if he wishes.
But! You owe no one (especially him) any justification for believing infidelity is wrong and teaching your children this belief. And maybe the next time he will take a moment before placing blame on you for his bad choices (Things didn't work out with your mom and me.)
NO—Things didn’t work out because your father placed his penis inside another woman’s vagina and did it carelessly. This exploded our marriage to bits and he refused to rebuild it. And I never want my children to think this is acceptable behavior.
Of course you will say it more gently and with love and tenderness.