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Mighty, To answer your question, they shut the door on their pain many, many years ago and when something shuts the lights off in their minds, hearts and souls, that's when the hurtful emotions begin to play out. They tend to compartmentalize their lives and when the pain gets too great, they shift over to another compartment in order to avoid the pain.
What you experienced is very much like what the crisis person feels...except their emotions go far, far deeper because of the length of time and the stunting of their emotional growth as children/young adults.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job, that is so crazy. I mean, I hear about it... it was just a concept I couldn't really understand. I live through my stuff. But, I guess I didn't have things THAT painful. There was stuff.... but... I carried on and through.
This, is different. A whole new level. I just don't want to live in those places anymore. I hate looking at those things. I hate thinking about what he has done. When I see glimpses into things that he has done since mlc, I get out of that thought as quickly as possible. Like setting my hand on a hot stove. Pulling away the second I feel the burn.
It's also making me feel so distant. The guy I knew... man... it seems like it was sooooo long ago...
I lived this weird place for awhile. Like if he was still there- in there somewhere- like I was on pause, waiting for a glimpse. Man, his return just changed everything. He didn't really return.
I hate Mother's Day. I know it seems so pessimistic, but I just wish it didn't exist. I would be totally fine if it didn't.
I have been struggling for the last two days with this. I have pretended it didn't and almost pulled it off.
First, my GAL has picked up momentum, however, it's not a one size fits all. I can't seem to get it right. Nothing fills the void. But, I'm ok, and dealing with it. I know it's part of the process, as much as I feel I am working against the current.
Last year, I knew nothing of hww. She was fairly newly preg.. but I didn't know. When i found out of it, it was something that bothered me- he spent Mothers and Fathers day with her. WTF!
At least last year I got, "Happy Mother's Day!" first thing in the morning, if only to be followed by crickets to my response.
I have been denying my stress for the past couple of days.
I told myself, just "focus on..." and i am so tired of having to put so much focus on.. just to get by...
I didn't hear from xh last month for my bday. I didn't expect to, really. But, it was the first in 20.
I realized today, it was different, bc he was celebrating with someone else. I played it off all day. Played myself. Morning was a little bit of a downer. Yet, I heard from xbil first thing this morning, which was nice, but a reminder. Saw my fam for brunch. It was cool. But, I realized, I am like an outsider. Not because of them. Because I'm trying to find my place. It's just not the same. I just watch. It's very different for me. I am so used to being so involved. Loud and talkative. I don't have much to say anymore. Nothing seems just right.
Not a complaint. Just a self-observation.
The day has passed. I was aware of the silence. Not that I expected. I just hate it. I hate that my family is SO messed up bc he had to f her. That he has a child bc of that.
I think about her. What stage she is in. Is she starting to get her first tooth? Is she sitting up yet? I deny to myself that... but part of my brain works against me. I just can't help it. A little girl was riding her little pink bike on the street today in front of my house. I just think about how he will be there with her in a few years. Every little kid makes me think about him living in that...
I try so hard to fight it... it's just hard to deny.
I could hear xbil and xsil next door this morning getting ready to leave. They don't go out anywhere or anything. So I start to wonder if they are going to mil or something. And will xh take hww there. My mind starts to go... I try to put it to sleep.
But then... Im good. I know I'm OK and I put things into perspective and everything is good.
Then I get a text from xh's sister. I haven't heard from her once through this. We used to be close. She just said HMD.. I returned the same. She responds, I love you all. I kind of lost it for like 15 minutes. I was OK, but it brought out things I didn't know existed. I realized there is more in me that I need to deal with.
I thought I pulled it together. Then... I started thinking about the baby again.
So I just took a shower. I cried my eyes out. Got myself together. And notice.... I got a text from xh:
"Happy Mother's Day"
It seemed with such... I don't know.. carelessness..
I know it seem stupid of me to say that. And... makes me seem like a b... but, really, I just fell apart again.
I haven't responded because i just have nothing to say.
Hang in there Mighty, Happy Mother's Day! You have been such a positive to both your kids through all this. They are lucky to have a mom as strong as you. You could easily have allowed your awful sitch to take your attention away from the pain they were in as well. But you didn't. You stayed strong for them. You protected them when they needed it and were there when they needed someone to let them know that they will survive the pain, that they were still loved and cared for. You're doing great, better than most people I know would be in the same sitch. You're an inspiration to so many here on the boards and to your kids. Like Bklyn said "You can do this!!"!
Hi brook, Matt, and gb. Thanks so much for your thoughts & encouragement.
I just couldn't bring myself to respond. I don't know...
If I think about him- like a narrow vision, I could, but when my view broadens- when I see the bigger picture, I just pull back. I think I focused an the narrow vision for quite some time now. I saw what I know most. What I loved. My best friend and husband I cherished. I think it prevented me to look at everything- to take it all in. Don't know if I could have handled it all at one, anyway.
But seeing the larger scope is pretty painful. That's what makes me stay far away. That's when I feel like I have no reason to respond. I just don't.
So, I feel like I'm still a little bit in recovery from yesterday. It took a bit of a toll. I just can't stand him. I love him. My heart breaks for him. But I can't stand him.
I would love to get to a point where I just don't care about any of it. And soon!