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A Message from Michele
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Re: The Beat Goes On [Re: Mighty] #2564810
05/06/15 03:13 AM
05/06/15 03:13 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,711
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,711
Southern Maryland
Mighty,
To answer your question, they shut the door on their pain many, many years ago and when something shuts the lights off in their minds, hearts and souls, that's when the hurtful emotions begin to play out. They tend to compartmentalize their lives and when the pain gets too great, they shift over to another compartment in order to avoid the pain.

What you experienced is very much like what the crisis person feels...except their emotions go far, far deeper because of the length of time and the stunting of their emotional growth as children/young adults.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: The Beat Goes On [Re: job] #2565110
05/06/15 09:21 PM
05/06/15 09:21 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
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Mighty Offline OP
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Mighty  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2014
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job, that is so crazy. I mean, I hear about it... it was just a concept I couldn't really understand. I live through my stuff. But, I guess I didn't have things THAT painful. There was stuff.... but... I carried on and through.

This, is different. A whole new level. I just don't want to live in those places anymore. I hate looking at those things. I hate thinking about what he has done. When I see glimpses into things that he has done since mlc, I get out of that thought as quickly as possible. Like setting my hand on a hot stove. Pulling away the second I feel the burn.

It's also making me feel so distant. The guy I knew... man... it seems like it was sooooo long ago...

I lived this weird place for awhile. Like if he was still there- in there somewhere- like I was on pause, waiting for a glimpse. Man, his return just changed everything. He didn't really return.

Anyway... just another dumb ramble from me.

Re: The Beat Goes On [Re: Mighty] #2566374
05/10/15 10:01 PM
05/10/15 10:01 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
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Mighty Offline OP
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Mighty  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
I hate Mother's Day. I know it seems so pessimistic, but I just wish it didn't exist. I would be totally fine if it didn't.

I have been struggling for the last two days with this. I have pretended it didn't and almost pulled it off.

First, my GAL has picked up momentum, however, it's not a one size fits all. I can't seem to get it right. Nothing fills the void. But, I'm ok, and dealing with it. I know it's part of the process, as much as I feel I am working against the current.

Last year, I knew nothing of hww. She was fairly newly preg.. but I didn't know. When i found out of it, it was something that bothered me- he spent Mothers and Fathers day with her. WTF!

Whateve...

At least last year I got, "Happy Mother's Day!" first thing in the morning, if only to be followed by crickets to my response.

I have been denying my stress for the past couple of days.

I told myself, just "focus on..." and i am so tired of having to put so much focus on.. just to get by...



I didn't hear from xh last month for my bday. I didn't expect to, really. But, it was the first in 20.

I realized today, it was different, bc he was celebrating with someone else. I played it off all day. Played myself. Morning was a little bit of a downer. Yet, I heard from xbil first thing this morning, which was nice, but a reminder. Saw my fam for brunch. It was cool. But, I realized, I am like an outsider. Not because of them. Because I'm trying to find my place. It's just not the same. I just watch. It's very different for me. I am so used to being so involved. Loud and talkative. I don't have much to say anymore. Nothing seems just right.

Not a complaint. Just a self-observation.

The day has passed. I was aware of the silence. Not that I expected. I just hate it. I hate that my family is SO messed up bc he had to f her. That he has a child bc of that.

I think about her. What stage she is in. Is she starting to get her first tooth? Is she sitting up yet? I deny to myself that... but part of my brain works against me. I just can't help it. A little girl was riding her little pink bike on the street today in front of my house. I just think about how he will be there with her in a few years. Every little kid makes me think about him living in that...

I try so hard to fight it... it's just hard to deny.

I could hear xbil and xsil next door this morning getting ready to leave. They don't go out anywhere or anything. So I start to wonder if they are going to mil or something. And will xh take hww there. My mind starts to go... I try to put it to sleep.

But then... Im good. I know I'm OK and I put things into perspective and everything is good.

Then I get a text from xh's sister. I haven't heard from her once through this. We used to be close. She just said HMD.. I returned the same. She responds, I love you all. I kind of lost it for like 15 minutes. I was OK, but it brought out things I didn't know existed. I realized there is more in me that I need to deal with.

I thought I pulled it together. Then... I started thinking about the baby again.

So I just took a shower. I cried my eyes out. Got myself together. And notice.... I got a text from xh:

"Happy Mother's Day"

It seemed with such... I don't know.. carelessness..

I know it seem stupid of me to say that. And... makes me seem like a b... but, really, I just fell apart again.

I haven't responded because i just have nothing to say.

Re: The Beat Goes On [Re: Mighty] #2566377
05/10/15 10:06 PM
05/10/15 10:06 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
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Mighty Offline OP
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Mighty  Offline OP
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Is it bad that I dont say anything. I just have nothing to say. I don't mean it mean or rude or in anger. I have never been passive aggressive... I just have nothing...

Re: The Beat Goes On [Re: Mighty] #2566382
05/10/15 10:42 PM
05/10/15 10:42 PM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
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BklynMom Offline
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BklynMom  Offline
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I think you should write back "thks" and just leave it at that.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm 4 years in and it took prob 2 years for me to feel somewhat normal.

You can do this!!


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Re: The Beat Goes On [Re: BklynMom] #2566389
05/10/15 11:13 PM
05/10/15 11:13 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Texas
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Matt165 Offline
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Texas
Hang in there Mighty,
Happy Mother's Day! You have been such a positive to both your kids through all this. They are lucky to have a mom as strong as you. You could easily have allowed your awful sitch to take your attention away from the pain they were in as well. But you didn't. You stayed strong for them. You protected them when they needed it and were there when they needed someone to let them know that they will survive the pain, that they were still loved and cared for. You're doing great, better than most people I know would be in the same sitch. You're an inspiration to so many here on the boards and to your kids. Like Bklyn said "You can do this!!"!

Re: The Beat Goes On [Re: Matt165] #2566403
05/11/15 12:34 AM
05/11/15 12:34 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,903
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Georgiabelle Offline
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Georgiabelle  Offline
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Mighty,

I'm sorry it's been a struggle today. You are awesome and your kids are lucky to have such a fantastic, devoted mom.

Hang in there!


Me-42 xh-41
3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Re: The Beat Goes On [Re: Georgiabelle] #2566700
05/11/15 08:32 PM
05/11/15 08:32 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
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Mighty Offline OP
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Mighty  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
Hi brook, Matt, and gb. Thanks so much for your thoughts & encouragement.

I just couldn't bring myself to respond. I don't know...

If I think about him- like a narrow vision, I could, but when my view broadens- when I see the bigger picture, I just pull back. I think I focused an the narrow vision for quite some time now. I saw what I know most. What I loved. My best friend and husband I cherished. I think it prevented me to look at everything- to take it all in. Don't know if I could have handled it all at one, anyway.

But seeing the larger scope is pretty painful. That's what makes me stay far away. That's when I feel like I have no reason to respond. I just don't.

So, I feel like I'm still a little bit in recovery from yesterday. It took a bit of a toll. I just can't stand him. I love him. My heart breaks for him. But I can't stand him.

I would love to get to a point where I just don't care about any of it. And soon!

Re: The Beat Goes On [Re: Mighty] #2566769
05/11/15 11:31 PM
05/11/15 11:31 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
NY
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Hope414 Offline
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Hope414  Offline
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NY
Hi Mighty,

If you couldn't bring yourself to respond--then I'm glad you didn't respond.

Only do what you want to do.

Then you will have nothing to regret later.

Maybe the Mighty in 2020 would have handled the text different. And maybe the Might from 2010 would have handled the text different.

But you are the Mighty in 2015.

I trust this Mighty's judgement. She's got a pretty good handle on her feelings--even if she doesn't think she does.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Re: The Beat Goes On [Re: Hope414] #2566876
05/12/15 11:46 AM
05/12/15 11:46 AM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,354
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uRworthy Offline
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Mighty, you feel how you do and thats ok. You are taking care of you. That's important. You matter.

You cant rush this along, M. You can hinder it some, though. You do that when you dont listen to your feelings and when you hold onto them for too long.

So, sit with them for awhile. Then when you are ready, let them wash over you. Eventually you will be able to let them go.

You arent there yet, but you are on your way.

I know its hard to get your mind around it still in a lot of ways. I do feel that learning to accept what happened goes a long way towards healing.

You will be ok, M. Believe that. Hold onto that. One day you will feel peace, my friend.

I wish I could tell you that it all goes away, but, that isnt honest. It heals over. The deep searing pain will be gone, but, there is a dull ache from time to time.

This is a huge thing to have happen. Life changing.

But I believe with all I have that this is how it is meant to happen for reasons we dont see when in the thick of it.

This is a journey you were meant to go on.

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