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Hi TLEE, you're sounding much better my friend - pleased to read about work and the interior designer....good for you!

I would urge a little caution with the online dating. Many on this forum give it a try and many realise they are not ready. I think the saying - hurt people hurt people - is important here. So, my advice would be keep it light and fun. Keep the emphasis on making new friends and be honest and authentic about where you are at with things.

I think the advice from your IC is good. Detachment is partly about not experiencing such highs and lows linked to what our WAS is saying and doing. ..

Take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Great to hear that you are ok TLEE.

As Toots says, the online dating is a bit early, go out with mates and chat with women but keep your it there for now, frankly it'll just be a rebound relationship if you take it anywhere and you know where they end up.

What I don't understand is why you are nervous about seeing your W?

Run through some scenarios in your head so you are ready but don't waste too much time hear as things rarely pan out as you expect.

WRT the dogs, that's a tricky one, give it some thought and make a decision, it'll be the right one so stick to it. Dogs are loyal to their master's and continue to be so regardless of what anyone else does, trust them, they aren't going to turn round and say OM is better than you, are they? 😀.

Remain calm regardless of what happens and act as if you are doing really well and enjoying life. Don't tell her anything (or very little) about what you've been up to but show interest and really listen to her, have lots of questions ready but keep them light, like you would chatting with an acquaintance.

Be sure of your boundaries as to what you consider OK to discuss and be prepared to enforce them if necessary.

It's not going to be the last conversation you have with her and it's not the most important one, it's just another getting together, nothing more, so don't build up into a big thing,

You are an improved you now, let that shine through by being in control.

If things start to get out of control, walk away before they really do and in any case ensure you finish the time together first and maybe a little premature too, it'll set her thinking that you are different which is all you are trying to achieve.

Good luck, you'll ace it!

Last edited by Beagley; 08/09/15 04:58 PM.

- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
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So, so glad to hear you are doing better, TLEE. It sounds like you are really starting to move into the acceptance phase, and starting to breathe fresh air again?

I think it's ok to day dream about more mature partners, people that will share your goals and value you, and to even enjoy a little female company. You gotta have flowers in you before you can feel butterflies though wink

Happy to see you posting, be well!


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Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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Glad to hear that you're doing better.

RE: online dating. I would advise against it. You moved from one marriage, immediately into a relationship with your W. Instead of dating another woman, I believe you need to date yourself. Learn to be ok with yourself. Learn what you want. Make yourself happy. Throughout this, you've struggled with being alone, so take that on. Because frankly, you aren't ready -- especially if you keep comparing them to your W.

Build yourself, build your friends, build your outside activities. Companionship can come later.


M:32,H 32
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Give us an update, TLEE. How goes the ups and downs, how are you doing this week? Dating yourself at all yet?


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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C, Z, Sotto (new name toots?)- Yes, I do agree with you all. "Dating myself" is probably the best way to go. Its a constant struggle because I crave and miss the attention from a woman. I find even just the smallest flirt from someone makes me smile because I havent seen that for so long. But as sotto said, hurt people hurt people. just a difficult situation

Beagley- I think thats interesting that you don't think I should go into this with a mindset of this is the last conversation I will have so lay it all out there. My IC actually says the opposite- treat this like it is the last conversation you have, say what you need to say for closure for myself because WW may never give that to me. But I'm torn between whats the best way to go. I think you both have valid points. Do I think this is the last time I will talk to her? no. should i treat it as such though since I am trying to move on? Idk...Thoughts?

--------

As for everything else, things have been ok. Im actually meeting with the decorator shortly to go over some things. I cant wait to get new stuff and finally not live completely like a single bachelor.

I am seeing WW on Thursday and then Friday and then I don't know. Im in her area, and she actually wanted to meet up yesterday to see the dogs real quick but i just didnt have time. Strange how things are now...sent me a couple weird text messages asking if I'm not seeing her yesterday because I'm avoiding her.

Also told me that she's in a weird mood because her and "roommate" are arguing and are constantly on different sides of the spectrum on how they handle things i.e. money, the way she "handles?" me, her wanting our dog to stay the night at their apartment...

I didnt say anything because...what am i even supposed to say to that. I wish they argue so much they go insane.

So were meeting on Thursday quickly to swap dogs, then Friday night to go out to dinner and what not. Still nervous, still anxious...trying to move on but seeing her just brings back all these feelings again..


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
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"I wish they argue so much they go insane" LMAO

From over here, your wife still looks to be a very immature and dependent personality. A roommate... Shouldn't either be offering opinions on how to handle you or her money. A bf, still even. If she is soliciting or taking such advice, I would think she is still a little girl with her hand out asking someone to lead her through her life. But hey, good news is now she's realizing that can be the source of arguments people besides you!

If you were asking for thoughts on your first question, mine is, what haven't you already laid out for her? If it's not new? She doesn't need to hear it again. If saying it, writing it the first time didn't bring you closer, saying it or writing it the second time probably still won't. You're just going to have to look at another reaction you probably don't want to see or hear. Save yourself the pain. I think DR means not pursuing, and I have a feeling you're laying it all out the way you think you want to, it is going to be pursuit.

And she is with another man, so double no.

I think you will serve yourself, and any chance of reconciling your marriage, by being you who has excepted her actions and is moving on with his life. Friendly, lighthouse, rock, whatever. Let her start a R talk if she wants to. Just enjoy the time with her however you can and keep your dignity in tact.

I'm going to be a friend for a second - these are the voices that keep me strong:

TLEE, you loved her, and that is OK. You did more than most men would. She is running around lost, she has hurt you numerous times, and she is with another man. Why are you getting yourself so twisted up over this? How can you possibly think about pursuing her after all of that? Let her go, let her be the one to come crawling back to you. if she doesn't, it is her loss, and that is the biggest thing you need to show her when you see her. Go heal from this, and find a lady who knows how to value you.

You and me have a bad habit of trying to polish turds, calling things wonderful and magical when it was in fact held together by duct tape, strong and mostly our energies. I am not saying your WAW is a turd, but the situation definitely is.

What will you really get out of laying it all out there - one more time - that the first ten times haven't given you? It's not a smart ass question, what do you think is different now, what is she going to hear that is going to be new and different? What are you going to have to hold, to inspire any trust, even if she does say "ok, TLEE, yeah." You guys have done that. Why would this time be different? You lead her back like a pouty nervous little girl, she takes your hand for a while, then runs away again.

If she was sitting in your living room right now, and the day after, and the day after, how would you really feel?


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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Z is right!

What left is there for you to say? Do you really want her to remember the last time she sees you(if that will be the case) as you once again groveling to her? Cause regardless of how cool you play it that will be her reality and her "feeling". Why are you going to dinner with her? I'm afraid that afterwords you will be a mess again (been there done that & got the scars to prove it).

Best of luck.


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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In the note above indicating you should NOT go in with a "this is the last conversation I will have with my W" was because as others have said above if you think this way there is a very big chance (because you'll try to cram too much into the conversation) that you will either appear to, or you will, be in pursuit mode and that's a very bad thing.

If your IC isn't a DB one, you might want to consider changing, or giving them the benefit of the doubt it could be that he/she incorrectly interpreted something you said. Either way it's something you should challenge with them in your next session.

Some of the things you've said indicate your wife is potentially trying to cake eat perhaps because she senses you are close to pursuit mode and she's going to take advantage of you then run away.

So be very guarded as she needs to prove to you through consistent actions that she's being sincere, otherwise it is simply her controlling you so that she has the best of both worlds OM and you. Remember, don't believe 100% of what she says and only 50% of what she does.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
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