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Peter -

I'm glad you're getting some positives - you're doing something right.

You are also getting great advice. Make your actions line up with your words or vice versa. Otherwise ... You keep doing what you've always done, you will keep getting what you've always gotten.

Also explained by starsky in terms of physics.

No fear Peter.


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Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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It's been another month of limbo. I went away from Sept 9 to Phoenix AZ for a sales convention and then to San Francisco to do some work. W called me almost every day to talk. Also sent plenty of texts. She left for a short vacation with her girlfriend on Sept 15 and I got home later that night, so we haven't seen each other for over a week. I did call her last night after she sent me a text to save having to text a dozen times. She's relaxing and working on how to deal with her panic attacks. Her girlfriend has training in this area and is helping her with that.

I kind of like the break. I'm feeling pretty relaxed. Things have been pretty smooth between us over the past month. But that could be because I'm not bringing up any R issues. Just living day by day.

I still get freaked out when she's away and I don't hear from her. My mind goes straight to the suspicion that she's with OM, but I really thing that's just my paranoia. She's not that good an actor. A year and a half ago I could tell when she was with him by the way she acted before and after - none of that now. All pretty natural, so I think she is telling the truth. Unless she has become even better at lying. See, my mind plays games with me.

Not that I can do anything about it if she is still in contact with him. All I can do is steer my own ship. But it would be nice to know the truth - so I can plot my course accordingly. Is she really just trying to find herself again before recommitting to the M or is she just biding her time? I just wish I had some way of knowing. I guess I could put a tracking device in her car. The car is an asset of my business so I have the right to know where it is.

Anyway, I'm just trying to have some fun and not fret over things. Let life take it's course. But it certainly would be nice to share some closeness and affection with my W. When she's ready.

Continuing on the Newtonian trajectory - straight line through limbo...


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
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Quote:
I just wish I had some way of knowing. I guess I could put a tracking device in her car. The car is an asset of my business so I have the right to know where it is.
Check the laws in ON, but likely you could do this. You don't even need a tracking device beyond your own smartphone. But Peter realize, you may learn something and that knowledge may force you to act, and you seem to be avoiding that.

Quote:
Anyway, I'm just trying to have some fun and not fret over things. Let life take it's course. But it certainly would be nice to share some closeness and affection with my W. When she's ready.

Let life take its course... When she's ready...

Peter, we've both been here for a while and seen a lot of crap, so I'll speak frankly. I must say that I worry about you, because you seem content to stay in limbo. Starsky poked at you, telling you that the limbo will continue in accordance to Newton's first law. It will; honestly, it will, because W is not an agent of change.

And life will take its course. The clock runs down and eventually times out. You can let it steer you, or you can do your best to get what you want out of it. Figure out what percentage of your life you have now spent in your current state waiting for the rest of your life. How big can you let that number get? Law of diminishing returns, you know.

My read is that you've also used the RH as an excuse, "As soon as we get one more person, we'll be profitable, and then, ..."

And the months keep ticking by. And now you're wondering if W is telling you the truth. At your level of commitment to hanging around indefinitely, I should think that it surely doesn't matter to you if W is telling you the truth. How could it? If it really mattered to you, you would have found out or left her by now.

Now you know I'm not telling you what to do. It just seems to me that you are still unwilling to take hold of the situation for what it is and do what you want for you. And everything in DB says that doesn't help your cause.

zew #2608144 09/19/15 03:52 PM
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PeterV2 Offline OP
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Thanks for chiming in, Zew.

She is indeed at a spa with her girlfriend. She sent me pics last night and this morning told me the name of the spa. So I checked it out on line and the pics are accurate. So that puts me more at ease that she's being honest with me. It's just the old wounds that make me doubt her.

As for selling the RH it is indeed hinged on having 8 residents - the buyer's financiers require that. So it looks like it'll be about 3 more weeks and then we can sell it. Getting that albatross off from around our necks will be cathartic.

W has panic attacks frequently. That's been going on for about 5 years now. Complex PTSD has been diagnosed. She was working on that with her IC who also happens to be our MC. Perhaps not the ideal MC for our sitch, but she certainly knows our back story intimately. But she hasn't gone to see her in a while. With her recent anxiety attacks I think I'll suggest she goes for another session. That'll also give them the opportunity to talk about our sitch.

Yeah I know what you mean about the relentless forward march of time. But I truly feel that this R is salvageable and will result in a deeper and more fulfilling M once we get this whole A thing behind us.

You can change the direction that things are moving without applying force, by warping spacetime with gravity. smile


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
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So W came home last night and gave me a warm hug. We had a glass of wine while we caught each other up on stuff.
I left printout on her dresser and went to bed. The printout was about the 24 things a cheater should do to help the betrayed heal.
She confronted me with that this morning and seems a bit upset. She said if I think the A was the problem then I'm delusional. The problem is all the stuff that lead up to her having an A. The A was just a symptom of that. Then she went around the mulberry bush a hundred times again dredging up my past "sins".
I said I had to go (I did have to) and left, saying we'd talk later. Later it was the same old stuff again...

But she did want me to book us an appt with our MC. So I think that is a positive step. She feels we need a neutral third party to mediate our differences of opinion. She doesn't like when I tell her that I can see that she feels a certain way and that her perception of events is valid. She says I'm patronizing her, claiming that me saying her viewpoint is her perception is basically calling it inaccurate. I disagreed, saying that everyone has their own perception of things and that is based on their point of view which is different in everyone - hence her call to get our MC to referee. smile

The dance continues. I sent MC an email - waiting for a reply.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Hi Peter, I'm sorry things didn't go well with the printout and I'm not surprised. What does surprise me is - why would you ever think leaving a printout like that for her was ever going to go well???

Where you guys seem to be at right now is a kind of stand off. You NEED her to properly repent from having the A and give you what you need to help you recover. She NEEDs you to understand how hard it was for her and the conditions in the M prior to the A.

You seem to be lumbering along in a sort of toxic limboland - not really working on the M in any productive way. Both harbouring many bad feelings. And I almost get a little tired of posting...because it's just more of the same.....sorry to be blunt.

Yes, MC may be a good idea. But I think you need to be in the right place to start it, and I don't know that you guys are at this point. Perhaps others may have some better advice for you Peter. I want to help, but I just feel a bit frustrated TBH - sorry.

I hope things go well for you if you both decide to commit to the MC.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2609346 09/23/15 07:23 PM
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Yep -- x 2.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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PeterV2 Offline OP
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I knew leaving the printout would not go well. It would trigger her to at least start a conversation - even if it's a difficulty conversation. And that it did and it was. But it ended with us booking a trip to the MC for the first time in almost a year. So if we can manage to get through a session without her walking out like she did in the last one then I'll consider it baby steps. MC session is next Wed.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Peter, you're almost 2 years into this. I guess if it were me, I'd be looking for far more than "baby steps" here, but that's your call. I honestly don't see anything changing with regards to your wife's and your dysfunctional marital dynamic unless acted upon by some outside force (you).

Are you happy?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Apr 2014
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PeterV2 Offline OP
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Well she finally went to our MC today. I haven't heard the results. I've been 3 times in the last month. Maybe now we'll go in together. Depends on how today's session went. I'll post again shortly.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
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