In my opinion I can read in RDs posts that he has been supportive in a material way more then in a emotional way. RD just said that he did not make the way back home very smooth. RD also said that his W probably knows that the R, M is over and that RD does not want to reconcile..
So, as much as he is all ears to hear her laments and all eyes to see her crying, it is not being there for her.
And besides, I agree with Vanilla, I believe from what RD writes here, that there is some kind of addiction, dependency in the mix. I think the drugs may be a big play in this whole depression scenario, and there may be some alcohol too. I did not do drugs, but I got drunk quite a few times after BD and my H was around to help me.
But all this is only my opinion and I am not vet or an expert in R, if so my M would be all spring flowers now. I just think in RD situation things have been a little different then the usual jerk like my H.
So RD, please, don't be mad with me. I really would like you to be happy and your family too. Sometimes love will do a better job then any other method we may try. Just saying.
Now, if you want some other kind of comments because you think that W does not deserve all your caring, then start writing about who she really is. If there is nothing more to it, I would say compassion would be my go.
Vanillia. I don't beleive an R is now possible regardless. I'm not an especially mo d person ,'im just normal. W seems to be lost and I will be there if I can because I feel that's what you do with friends. W is struggling with her life and I don't know if she's with OM or not and at this stage it doesn't matter. If she is she is still in a terrible place and if she's not she is still Iin that place. Re the money I have offered W money and she always refuses Once she asked and I lent her 200 euro. She never paid it back but does mention it weekly
Pink. I think W knows I'm there for her but she also knows that an R is not possible anymore. I have left her to her own choices and when she told me today she was going back to the UK , I just said ok and mentioned the plane tickets When she talks of suicide it does worry me and I did tell her I still care for her I think she is depressed but I'm not sure drugs are the cure
Sunny. I see where Pink is coming frrom and L/C has said the same I don't want an R with W anymore but you can't just turn off love and she is my kids mum. I will be there for her as best I can but only if she asks. The tickets are just for kids and her. I agree that heading home is proberbly for the best because she can start a new life without all the baggage of what's happened over the last year. I do want her to be happy and I have moved on a lot from OM W Is a grown woman and I do believe she is not well or thinking straight re her kids or future
Thanks again ladies , I really apprecaite your input. Take care. Rd
Hi Pink. I could never be upset with you. If we had met 25 years ago I would have been chasing you all over for a date. You are a friend and friends tell it how it is to each other I value your advice and look forward to when your post.
W is a fantastic lady. Kind , caring , beautiful and great fun. ( who does that remind you of ? ) She has made choices for herself and if I'm truthfully I think she went becaus she couldn't handle family life and thought she wanted something else
The road home is not smooth and since the day she left I took over everything and it truly shocked her I always worked hard and looking after the bouse re maintenance and cars, gardening etc but I never helped enough around the house re day to day. Once she left I did everything and asked for no help Even when things got tough at work, I sorted everything Kids all turned to me and want nothing to do with W once she's out of family home Even today W was saying that she feels she is no longer needed as I do everything
Pink I did all this because W rejected me and I deal with this by just taking over and letting W do her own thing Part of the reason I gave up on R recently is because W is coming forward a lot but I know I could not deal with OM if she came home
I need to run now, but will post soon on this. I totally get about the OP stuff. I am questioning myself how it would be from now on if H and I reconcile. I saw him coming out of a hotel with OW. I sometimes wonder if it would ever be possible to let go on that image.
I agree with the OP stuff - how do you ever overcome that?? But fact is many people do. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's possible. It doesn't feel possible now, but with a truly contrite S keen to reconcile, that may be a different story.
Take care RD xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Its a really interesting discussion thats going on here and i can see all sides of it. Pinks viewpoint is very interesting and i have to say I can really see and could easily agree with what she is saying.
RD, how competitive are you? how do you react if someone says that you can't do something?
I ask because you really stepped up with your kids and in the process made a point of being the best dad you can be (arguably at the expense of yourself - some GAL please). You also seem to have made a point of showing you dont need your W. You know, she knows it and your kids know it.
But i also wonder how you are dealing with your emotions, for all that you say I find myself wondering how much sadness, anger and resentment you are carrying? and whether you are still squashing that down so that you can be the image of the dad you are trying to show your W.
now big caveat here in that i know full well your wife moved out and that so much of this is about her choices.
equally I'd either missed or forgotten the bit where you W had said about a M without sex and that you'd said you wanted to end things.
I know how i reacted when i heard that my W wanted to split - my world shattered and thats not put back together quickly.
There are different narratives here RD, I couldnt tell you what is true or not but I do know that things arent as we see them. what i do know is that we can try different narratives and see how they make us feel.
So can you try and come up with a narrative where your W is a good person, where OM is nothing to her except a burden, and that everything she does is driven by her feelings that she is not good enough for you?
Having said all that the move to the UK might be good for you and her, space can help us heal, her family will give her the support she clearly needs and hopefully it will break the link with Spongebob (OM)
Take care RD
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Just checking on you. Hope you can ride one more day as it is the way to go for us all right now. It's a day by day with a night in the middle to make us reflect in all what is going on and what direction we should, must take.
Jim is a funny guy, love reading his posts. And he writes words of compassion and yet seeing and feeling the reality that surrounds you.
Many times I did not feel good enough for my H. I felt that he was doing a lot to grow himself and instead of stepping up and do something for myself, I became a bitter person, full of resentment and a huge emptiness.
M point is that we (maybe for women) hold a lot of feelings inside us, we usually need or choose to live our lives for others... kids, H... and in a way we get lost and empty.
For sometime in the past, I decided to start working part time since the kids were older and I could do something else. Since the beginning I did develop a good relationship with one of the doctors here, he is M and so was I, we never had anything besides work, but that did not impede me to think how amazing he was.
I would compare him to my H and many times found comfort thinking about him and how wonderful he was. I never said it to no one besides in joke to some girlfriends. But the truth is that it made me distant from my H even further.
I am a faithful person and everyone knows it here. And I believe that was the work of some supreme power (my God) that separate us. This doctor is still working with me, he does not want anyone else to deal with his patients besides me. But he is about an hour drive from were I am now. The distance made that attraction to fade away.
What I am saying is that my H may never know what was in my mind and my heart, but it was there. The killing routine with kids, obligations and the all the same stuff became a big deal for my H and I and we weren't smart enough to realize it until it was too late and now things look really bad.
I try to put myself in your wife's shoes and by what you report here, I feel she just implode and is in a world of agony. Like a trapped animal that is hurting and does not have a place to escape.
I understand you had enough, that trust was broken and that you are dealing with a lot of pain, resentment and shame. But love is something powerful and we can be better people and love and understand each other as we go through the life challenges.
I wish you can feel my hug as a true friend that wants you to rest a bit, that wants you to let yourself just be, without impose so much burden on yourself. You may have a million reasons to be tough with yourself, but you find a trillion reasons to be gentle with yourself and let yourself calm down and heal with all you are learning.
And if is some consolation, I am learning to deal with all what is happening to me, my life. I really believe now that I need to develop myself into the person I want to be and I need to GAL with my kids, my friends, myself, and people that I will meet along the way. Don't close the door, force yourself into happiness and eventually it will become real.
For sometime in the past, I decided to start working part time since the kids were older and I could do something else. Since the beginning I did develop a good relationship with one of the doctors here, he is M and so was I, we never had anything besides work, but that did not impede me to think how amazing he was.
I would compare him to my H and many times found comfort thinking about him and how wonderful he was. I never said it to no one besides in joke to some girlfriends. But the truth is that it made me distant from my H even further.
I would bet this happens in so many of our marriages, the LBS, the WAS...doesn't matter. it creates a wedge. more than a few times i found that i thought just a little bit about "what if's".
I ended up placing restrictions on types of conversations that i was willing to have with women outside of my family because of any sort of skip-forward type happenings where emotional bonds were formed that were more than work related. I am not proud of those thougths from years ago, because things were bad at home and i thought about escape, but i know that i stayed the course and can look myself in the mirror and say that i didn't go there.
Hi Vanillia. The bloods need to be brought back within limits This is very important Vanillia. With all that's going in your life at the moment then you need to be well. If your run down and tired you can't put everything else back together. I hope I'm stressing this enough Health is more than wealth Vanillia , much more
Re the I/C , can you go every second week ? This is a must vanillia I know things are very tough but this is for a time in your life when you need it now I was under the impression Relate work on a pay what you can basis
I have seen first hand how intelligent you are. Finding 20-30 quid a week is not beyond you.
With work , cut yourself some slack , the past trouble with H has had you in a bad place and its going to take time to return to full on Vanillia again. You will get there I promise.
Vanillia I admire you so much, you have just realised that you have been in an abusive R and that's very tough. You didn't realise because your a kind and caring person who gives others the benefit of the doubt. You looked after H when most others would have given up. You took his abuse and still cared for him.
Vanillia is such a great person and she needs to accept that and move forward. This chapter with H is over and now it's Vanillias time
Vanillia , I want to thank you for being you Your kindness on this forum speaks volumes about you as a person. Please carry on being yourself because you're needed by a lot of us on here.
Take care. Rd. xx
RD, my lovely special RD!
It takes one to know one..............
If you ever think of V think RD and how much when he says these words he refers to himself. RD when we criticise then one finger pointed is four pointing back, when we give the gift of the higher power we give with an open hand and two reach back. Please know dearest friend how much you mean to me and those here, how positive and modest you are. How much we extend our love to you. Pink says so too.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/15/1508:23 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
dear RD, just a quick not to say I'll be signing off, but I wish you all the best in your journey.
Also, per the ongoing thread, I just want to say:
Although we are on a journey to become a person only a fool would leave, it is indeed our choice whether or not to put our life on hold indefinitely for a fool.
And sometimes we would be a fool to stay.
I'm sure you know what is right for you in your own circumstances, and that you will be fine no matter what you choose to do.
Keep being awesome!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
